Just married and freaking out

Reply Thu 20 Sep, 2018 10:03 am
I got married 9 months ago (best day ever). My now husband and I had been together for 4 years before we got married - all of which was great, but had never lived together and been long distance for a couple of years, as he's in the military.

When we were living apart we made it work for us, but we longed to live together and to have our own little life in our little bubble. Now that's become a reality- honestly, it's been a massive anti-climax for me... I thought it'd be crazy sex all the time and we'd be deliriously love-sick in a wonderful honeymoon phase. But instead, it seemed to go straight into the mundane with housework, 9-5 jobs, dishes, food shops and really not very much sex, or even conversation at times. I very quickly started to wonder if I'd done the right thing by marrying him.

ALSO it's important I mention that he is (and always has been) a very, very closed person; he doesn't share or show his thoughts and feelings at all. Our communication is quite dysfunctional, but up until living together has worked for us- now I find myself becoming a needy, forever frustrated person who's constantly clawing at any clues as to how he's feeling. I get angry at him quickly, over very silly little things and feel more alone than I have in a long time. *Also important to note that once married, we moved to a new city where I don't know anyone.

And NOW my mind is wandering towards to my ex from years ago, who was very much "right guy, wrong time". I am not a cheater and would never do that (I haven't spoken to this ex in years and he lives miles away); but it is definitely not OK that I'm thinking of him so much, when I'm supposed to be this super happy newlywed!

Reply Thu 20 Sep, 2018 10:09 am
That's a lot to cope with - newly married, new community, not great communication, military, newly living together.

Take advantage of counselling services available to military families.

It would have been helpful to work on the communication before moving in together, but you have to work with the situation you are in - so get counselling started.

Do let your husband know that the current situation is not acceptable - if he wants the relationship to succeed, he needs to be all in on finding remedies while in counselling. You both have to be active participants in making the relationship work.

Real life isn't for wimps eh.
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Reply Thu 20 Sep, 2018 10:12 am
mrsecll wrote:
I'm supposed to be this super happy newlywed

not sure where that messaging comes from

I wish more people were honest with each other about what moving in together, getting married, is really like.

It's work.
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Reply Sat 22 Sep, 2018 07:25 am
Separation/divorce happens when people realize that they'd be happier living apart than together. If you simply give up on relationships, you live alone and don't seek out new partners. That simplifies life because you don't have to worry about exes and divorce, etc. There are people who are married but live apart. Of course living apart doubles your household expenses, so if you can live together it saves money and you can help each other in practical ways, e.g. housework. If it feels like you're shouldering too much of the household burden, though, you would either need to get him to take his fair share or move out to avoid feeling exploited. Ultimately your loneliness can be solved by having children or getting a job working with children. If children aren't your thing, you can find a job working with adults or the elderly, or do volunteer work if you don't need/want the money.

Working relationships may not satisfy your dreams/expectations of marital bliss, but honestly marital bliss is a temporary thing at best, when it happens, and it breaks your heart when the honeymoon phase of a relationship ends. People get addicted to this level of emotional intensity so they bounce from one relationship to the next, each time reaching a level of drama that causes the relationship to fail, or leaving in disappointment as it fades. Do you want to progress through as series of failed monogamous relationships until you finally accept that they're not worth the pain and drama they cause, or do you want to keep fighting for a dream that will never last forever?
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