President assures Americans: We won't lose anyone I care about
Partial transcript of President's speech at MacDill Air Force Base
THE PRESIDENT: To the fine troops gathered here today, I want you to know there's no higher honor than to serve as your commander-in-chief. America appreciates your service and sacrifices for our country.
(applause)
You and I serve our country in a time of great consequence.
(applause)
While you're prepared to be shipped around the world to make mincemeat of any brown savages you encounter, I'm prepared to be dogged endlessly by chickenshit liberals who cross me every chance they get.
The American people, too, have made numerous sacrifices. Already, many of them have given their sons and daughters to a cause which I've deemed worthy. Those who have lost their children are angry, confused, and likely to continue to support my presidency to find some justice and meaning in their unfortunate loss.
And as our best and brightest continue to hunker down on those dune monkeys, I want all Americans to rest assured that I'm doing just fine. I'm keeping up with my workouts, I've given up sweets, shaved a few seconds off my miles...life is good when you're the King.
But, it's not easy committing the lives of thousands of those who, no doubt, voted for me in the election of 2000. In fact, it's just plain stupid. Sacrificing likely voters is no way to keep up your job security, but that's one of the hard choices that go along with this job.
(laughter)
But despite the hard choices, Americans need to know that we won't lose anyone in this conflict who I actually care about.
I know what you're saying, that I'm just putting on a strong "vibe" for the sake of the confidence of the nation in myself. But it's true. I want America to know that I'm fine with giving up your kids for this conflict. It was one of the easier choices, actually.
I'll be fine, America. My twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna, are safe and sound, likely clubbing around town, making the mistakes of youth which will no doubt continue until middle age, as I did.
(applause)
In fact, to those who pray for the government and its continued leadership and inspiration to all Americans: rest assured that we're mostly all completely emotionally unconnected with what, I'm told, is the pure agonizing purgatory that is war. Except for a select few, who clearly didn't run the right kind of campaign, our children are not serving in military, and likely won't ever have to work for anything, ever.
America, you can have confidence we in the government aren't distracted by such annoyances as maiming and death. We're only concerned with winning, and thanks to your sacrifices, we can concentrate on that.
Again, don't worry about me. Thanks for all your prayers and support, but I never needed your permission to send your kids to hell.
God Bless America!
(applause)
thegrandoldparty.com