Real feelings of a mistress

It all started when I started having marital problems with my ex husband now. It started off financially, no money for anything, small child and he doesn’t try...I picked up 12 hour shifts, was getting fever every night from exhaustion, I was just tired and frustrated, then it came to a point when I really felt disgusted having sex with my now ex husband, I would make up excuses every time...I wanted to leave but surviving in a huge expensive city with no family here and a small child appeared nearly impossible, I felt stuck, I tried I went for therapy because I was feeling depressed, started taking pills, not long after that I’ve met a married man at work who was significantly older then me, omg I thought I fell in love, felt a breath of fresh air but it just felt wrong, no I was not jealous of his wife or anything like that, maybe because I had a family and that was strictly sexual? When this affair started feeling heavy to me I decided to call it quits, it was hard leaving someone when u still got feelings but I was the right thing to do, I didnt want to be more attach d to him then I already was, I cried and cried and cried, but realized that it wasn’t me crying after this guy it was me crying because of how miserable I was, I didn’t want to come home, my now ex husband lost his job, it became even worse, he wasn’t looking for a new job, but we continued paying for child care even with him being home and available, I was tired, we were not making bills and barely affording food and stuff, marital and sex life issues became even worse, I just felt trapped. I talked with my husband about it and he seemed to understand that we were just not working out as a couple anymore, and here came a day when I met him, a day after being on a dating website for fun and just to unload, I even told my husband for the laughs( I know I will get judged, but when 2 people live like roommates and don’t move out because of financial issues) He seemed weird at first, promised me a lot on our first date, and of course turned out to be married as well. I was unsure how I felt about it, but eventually we started seeing each other, it felt magical, he is the most caring person I’ve ever met, I know that he won’t let me fall no matter what, he will be there for me anytime of the day. Fast forward a month after we met he invites me for an out of state weekend vacation, this is when I decided it’s time for me and my now ex husband to part ways because we were just miserable, I left for 3 days, the most nerve racking days of my life...everything was perfect, he is such a gentleman, but most importantly he is a strong male, alpha male, something that I was always subconsciously looking for, someone who I’m in a way scared of, jealous, hot headed for me...we have a big age gap as well, not to mention I’m well taken ware for, financially, I live comfortably, I don’t need to work at this point at all. I know I will get judged but if is what it is, I’m just trying to share how a mistress who is being taken care of truly feels. He spends every given minute with me, we are together everyday, we are intimate everyday, both of us can’t stand being apart from each other, I know he loves me, I have been introduced as weird as it sounds to most of his friends and some family members. He is like a drug to me, I can’t be with him but I can’t be without him, I already reached a point when I can’t live with myself when he is with his family, extremely jealous, even tho he is never home, I feel bad for his kids and for him he can’t rip himself apart in 2 pieces...I love him to deal th but every holiday I cry in bed by myself, no family, no husband, no normal life, I can’t be without this man I can’t imagine no one next to me, he is my soulmate, I’ve seen him cry, we went thru a lot together, but the more I see the other side of his life the more I realize that this relationship is deadly to me, I became very strongly attached, all I do is stay home, I feel trapped, I want to be with him, but I always remember that guys like that will never leave his family.
Girls please never date married men, all it brings is pain and loneliness...all I do is live day by day, but a sword to myself I will never be with a married man because it’s always a dead end.

Ps my now ex husband is happily living with another woman, at least I did something good and maybe brought happiness to his life by getting g us apart