Fun things to do with an erect penis.

My monitor is melting.

I take a fence to that.

I like dancing naked in front of the streetside picture window while blasting ZZ Top's "Woke up with wood" from my stereo. I pick up lots of chicks this way.

When the fishing season has started, I find an over excited Todger is ideal for catching Rainbow Trout.
Tie a length of fishing twine (coat the manhood in foam rubber first, to avoid penile strangulation) around the convenient rim at the end, attach a particularly alluring flyhook to the other end, and cast.
There is an added bonus to this Todgerial fishing, as pleasing sensations are experienced
A) When you are moving "Percy" back and forth in order to "activate" the fly on the surface of the water,
and B) The enormity is being pulled after a Trout has taken the bait.
Safety Notice:- If you catch a Pike, cut fishing line immediately.

In spring, the Todger comes into its own when all those little jobs need doing in the greenhouse.
Re-potting plants? No problem if you have a Mr Throbbie to hand. Simply hold the plant pot at waist height, insert your throbber into the hole at the bottom of said pot, and push. Out comes the plant, ready to be potted up into a larger container.
Safety Note:- Always beware of broken terracotta at the bottom of the pot, normally put there for drainage.

In dry spells during the summer, Mr Stiffy can make light work of watering the herbacious borders, normally located behind the maze.
Simply tie the garden hose onto the end of your upright citizen, hold a cigar with one hand, a Pimms with the other, and play Hula music.
A particularly vigorous hula should achieve a refreshing coverage of three square yards per minute, and is very good for the waistline.
Safety Note:- NEVER spray onto electrical equipment.

Where I come from that kind of fishing is called trolling. The last time my buddy and I tried it, he yelled from yonder bank "Man, that water is cold", and I replied "Yep. Deep too.".

When Autumn arrives, and the leaves have fallen from the Cider Orchard,
Monsieur Ardonne is ideal for use as a "third hand". Simply tie a large rubbish bag onto the end, and have both hands free to collect the swept up leaves. The amount of leaves you can carry depends on the naughtiness of your thoughts. For instance, thoughts of a romantic nature regarding the delectable Teri Hatcher should enable one to carry thirty or so pounds of leaves.
Safety Note:- Never think of Grandmama during the task, as bag will slip off the end owing to deflation, and spill contents.

The winter Todger has a multitude of uses, in fact this is the time when the pink periscope really becomes an invaluable asset.
From serving as a portable hand warmer when out on a grouse shoot, through to thawing out iced up doorlocks on ones Bentley, a Trouser Snake is simply indispensible.
Indoor duties include being an ideal "model" for when one is making a papier mache snowman as a table ornament, something to hold the ribbon in place on a present , leaving two hands free to tie the knot and, of course, a simple tool when it comes the time to ascertain whether there are any giblets hiding inside the Turkey.
When one's wife has a Christmas hangover the next morning, it will serve as an extra handhold, and will provide adequate leverage, so that she may achieve the upright position in bed before the staff arrive with breakfast.

A Todger for all seasons...

I believe Lord Ellpus may be Gus' long-estranged fraternal twin brother.

Mental pictures...

Anyone care for a game of pool? No cues allowed.

It is theoretically possible I suppose, as Papa spent some time out there mopping up cheap shares after the depression in the 30's.
If Mr Ratzenhofer IS related in any way, he could always become a vegetable farmer and grow "squash".
Then he could take on the family name and be known as Gourd Ellpus.
Tell me, are there any other traits that you know of?
For instance, does he have a Valet?

I believe I am perfectly safe in replying "no" to that question.

Did you actually intend to ask if he is a varlet?

THAT, dear sir, is a horse of a different choler.

Well...he does like the letter "V" alot, as for the "alet"... more like, OLAA! bring on the "V's"!
And there we are, back to the beginning again.

'MR Stiffy!'

I am seriously offended!









<to be honest I am nauseated, but I'm saving that for the court action>

Court action? Anyone for tennis type of court action perchance?
I have a pretty impressive passing shot. Although I dont know about fifteen love anymore.....I'm lucky if I manage the odd one now and then.
But if it is pending litigation to which you are referring, I will say here and now that Percy has been known to put up a pretty stiff defence, apart from the case "Sisters of Mercy vs. Percy Ellpus" (Old Bailey March 1967).
A miscarriage of justice happened on that occasion, when he was
"bound over" for 6 months.

Ah - just wag your tail, puppy, and go dig up a boner....

Is there a female equivalent to this thread?

coat rack?