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Her fling: does it matter now?

 
 
Reply Wed 25 Jul, 2018 02:38 pm
My wife and I have been married about 40 years. Early in the marriage (30 years ago), she showed signs of playing around. She insisted nothing happened. I blew it off. There have been no signs of anything funny since then (and it's so easier to check nowadays, what with texting and social media). But recently I wondered if I was naive. One night when she was a little tipsy, I told her I worried back then that she might have been having a fling. She got quiet for a second and then asked "does it matter now?" which didn't exactly sound like the response of someone who had NOT had a fling. She's right that we should look forward and that things are good today. But I think I deserve to know. I'd be hurt but not angry, after all this time. She also said "we've both done things" (I slept with a co-worker years ago, before we got married) and that "I chose this path. I chose you." She passed out and we haven't discussed it since. So, DOES it matter now? And does "fling" always mean sex? Thanks.
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Wed 25 Jul, 2018 02:50 pm
@Longtime53,
Longtime53 wrote:
So, DOES it matter now?


Do you want out of the relationship? then you've found a way. pursue your line of questioning.

Well-past time to let this go unless you want to end the marriage.

Deserve? entitlement attitudes like that are stoppers for me.
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Jul, 2018 07:23 am
@Longtime53,
Longtime53 wrote:

So, DOES it matter now? And does "fling" always mean sex? Thanks.

No one else here is married to your spouse. The only answer to this question comes LITERALLY from you and no one else. Thirty years ago is a long long long time.

If you just want her to be honest about what happened? Ask her directly ... and when she isn't tipsy or partially inebriated. If you don't want to get the courage or find it important enough to ask then? Then let it go already.

Also... don't let it kill your marriage directly or through passive aggressiveness ... making it the proverbial albatross around her neck. Regardless if you ask or don't ask about what may or may not have happened.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
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Reply Thu 26 Jul, 2018 08:57 am
@Longtime53,
Really? Whatever may or may not have happened 30 years ago is irrelevant. Look, she has given you no reason to doubt her in the last 30 years. Why get hung up on something that you think might have happened just because in an intoxicated state she did not respond to your inquiry?

Let it go already. It has been 30 years. If you were talking only a year or so ago, my answer would be that the two of you really needed to sit down and talk about it. But it was not recent. And, per your post, nothing has thrown up any red flags to you for the last 30 years. If you don't drop it, you will only damage your relationship going forward. And for what? What MIGHT have been a ONE TIME unspecified indiscretion?



0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Jul, 2018 05:20 pm
So after 30 years you finally speak up and tell her you were worried about your marriage back then?

But she answered you today when she said (paraphrased) “You needn’t have worried all this time. I stayed with you. “

Longtime53
 
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Reply Fri 27 Jul, 2018 07:30 am
@PUNKEY,
I haven't spent 30 years thinking about it. It wasn't on my mind until recently, when I realized (actually, others pointed it out) that I might have been naive. But you're right -- her "I chose you" is the most important thing she said and what I should focus on in trying to let it go.
0 Replies
 
Longtime53
 
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Reply Sat 28 Jul, 2018 11:37 am
@ehBeth,
I hear you about letting it go. But "entitlement attitudes" -- when I'm the one who apparently was cheated on. Right.
neptuneblue
 
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Reply Sat 28 Jul, 2018 12:27 pm
@Longtime53,
So....

You want vindication because YOU cheated? Seriously, what IS the point to all of this? To throw it in her face? Why are you trying to get her to regret being married to you?

Longtime53
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Jul, 2018 01:59 pm
@neptuneblue,
I don't want vindication. I don't want to throw it in her face. I just wanted to know what happened. It's difficult to let go of, but I will. As for it being so long ago and why now, I've read of other people -- women and men -- in this situation who find out about such things years later, and it feels like it just happened to them, regardless of the time that's passed. I'm glad that hasn't happened to any of you. Anyway, I'm moving on. Thanks for all of your comments.
Medusax
 
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Reply Fri 3 Aug, 2018 05:23 am
@Longtime53,
It was 30 years ago? Forget it.
0 Replies
 
 

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