What to tell my mistress

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When I was younger, I was involved with a married woman for almost 10 years (yes - 10 years). I understood the rules, I knew she would never leave her husband, and I never wanted to hurt her or her marriage.
The worse days and nights were alwys the holidays though. Especially their anniversary night. I was home alone, thinking and wondering what she and her husband were up to. That sick feeling in my stomach, knowing they were probably having sex. It was awful for me.

Fast forward to now. I am married, and am having an affair. I am not proud of it, please dont bash me for it, but it is something I never planned on or was looking for.
My "girlfriend" is the same way I was....she is younger and single - she is respectful to me and my marriage, and does not want to hurt that. She understands the rules and my limitations.
The only thing she does NOT know right now , is my anniversary date which is coming up.

We talk or text dozens of times a day. When we go more than an hour or so without some kind of contact with each other, we both worry! lol

My wife and I will go out to dinner and a movie (at least). I probably won't be able to text or call my girlfriend for most of the night.
I will have to let her know ahead of time why I can't be accessible.
I hate the idea of lying, but I also remember the long nights I went through with the married woman on HER anniversary, and the sick helpless feeling I felt the entire time in my heart and in my stomach.

Do I tell her the truth ahead of time knowing it will be upsetting to her, and it will make for a long, long night for her??
Or do I make up some other excuse.
I don't want t tell her after the fact, because that would go against the "open book" policy that we tell each other anything and everything.

It's like I am feelng sick to my stomach already FOR her.....

If you were her, would you want to know?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 8 • Views: 2,094 • Replies: 12

[+3] - CoastalRat - 06/28/2018Go back and re-read Jespah's reply. Then read it again. I'm trying to figure out how anyone can go out and celebrate an anniversary that obviously means very little to them. End this sham of...

@Steve1973,

Steve1973 wrote:

... I never wanted to hurt her or her marriage....

My "girlfriend" is the same way I was....she is younger and single - she is respectful to me and my marriage, and does not want to hurt that.....

Do I tell her the truth ahead of time knowing it will be upsetting to her, and it will make for a long, long night for her??
Or do I make up some other excuse.
I don't want t tell her after the fact, because that would go against the "open book" policy that we tell each other anything and everything.

It's like I am feelng sick to my stomach already FOR her.....

If you were her, would you want to know?

She is hurting your marriage. And you hurt that other woman's marriage. Tell yourself whatever you want to but don't lie to us.

What do you tell her? The God's honest truth. Why? Because you're already up to your elbows in lies. Want to pile on a few more?

And where's your concern for your wife in any of this? If you don't want to be married to her, then get a divorce. And if you think it'll be oh so horrible for your wife to get a divorce (that is, if you are thinking about your wife at all, ever), then think again.

Man up and let your wife go so she can find happiness with someone who respects her.

Sorry/not sorry you didn't want to be bashed. But you don't seem to give a rat's ass about your wife's feelings in any of this. It's all about you and your side piece. Stop pretending you're Mother Teresa with how you didn't want to hurt that first woman's marriage.

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You mean to tell us that your mistress doesn't know the “rules” when having an affair with a married man? The first rule is that she will always come in second. Surely you never led her to believe anything else, did you?

She’ll survive not hearing from you for a full day. This must be part of (your) baggage she has been forced to accept: lonely holidays and evenings, exclusion from family celebrations, and no financial security.

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@Steve1973,

i would rather know in advance so don't dream up other reasons that you are ignoring me. i would think that you and her would have discussed rules and feelings like this in early stages of your affair. i always do when i have an affair arrangement with a married man to avoid misunderstandings and arguments. honesty is more important with your mistress than your wife due her station in your life as secondary lover.

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@Steve1973,

Go back and re-read Jespah's reply. Then read it again.

I'm trying to figure out how anyone can go out and celebrate an anniversary that obviously means very little to them. End this sham of a marriage or end the affair and work on the marriage.

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@Steve1973,

I'm a mistress, and I would much rather know. that way I can indulge myself and do something fun.

You can make it up to her another time.

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@Steve1973,

Steve1973 wrote:

Do I tell her the truth

yes

past time to tell everyone the truth isn't it

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@Steve1973,

If you love your wife & appreciate her you never would have even close to considered cheating in the first place.

Shouldn't the question be

"How should I tell my wife?"
"Do you think my wife will forgive me?"
"How could I be such a low down human being?"

Let me tell you a little story right quick.

I met my father as a adult he told me about his cheating endeavors he would brag about it a couple times he paid me large amounts of money to drive him places to go cheat he also used to have me drop him off at the strip club every friday for quite some time.
I never wanted to do any of this in the first place & didn't feel right about it because it's disgusting & foul enough to simply lie to someone generally speaking.

Eventually I had a long talk with his wife while he was not present, they are now divorced she filed papers right after our talk.
The fact of the matter is she is a great woman, didn't deserve that & he didn't appreciate her,

Eventually your wife will find out one way or the other whether someone tells her or not it's only a matter of time.
The thing is that most men don't understand is -Women have a sixth sense for this kind of thing & just know.
She will figure it out & I can almost guarantee you she has suspicions of some sort.

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@MKABRSTI,

sixth sense? nope. I've been in an affair for over 3 years and his wife doesn't have a clue.

He's doing what works for him. Not asking for marital advice.

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@FlyingZephyr,

FlyingZephyr wrote:

his wife doesn't have a clue.

did she tell you that? if not, you have no idea what she knows/doesn't know/suspects. maybe she knows and is glad someone's dealing with his crap so she can enjoy her life/home/income/family

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@ehBeth,

ok, I'll rephrase.

To the best of my knowledge, she does not know of the affair. And I don't care if she does. That's her problem, not mine.

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@FlyingZephyr,

FlyingZephyr wrote:

To the best of my knowledge, she does not know of the affair. And I don't care if she does. That's her problem, not mine.

You're right, it is her problem.

You have your own set of problems to deal with. Namely why you'd settle for being a side piece instead of having a whole relationship. Maybe you have your reasons, maybe they even sound enough at the moment for you. And that's ok.

What isn't ok is knowing you're purposely cheating yourself. Cheating yourself out of honesty, integrity, respect, dignity and most importantly, love. Self love.

Knowing what you know, and why you do what you do, simply isn't sustainable. Three years. You've wasted three years on...what? Good sex? In-clandestine encounters? Fun? Excitement? Presents? Dinners?

You know all that will end. Most probably in the worst way, too.

You sound very indignant in assuring any one that you're ok with all of this. That you're ok. I don't think that's true. Or else you'd read and go along with your happy lil self. But you want people to know about you, see what you see. Maybe even agree it's not so bad being the other woman.

Nope, it's not so bad being the other woman.

It's not that great, either.

And that's where you are.

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@Steve1973,

WOW!! I missed SO much FUN not cheating on my husband!!!! WHY did I opt for such a peaceful, solid, uncomplicated life?????? *please note seeping sarcasm*

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