What the hell????

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So my cousin comes over for a visit last night. He and his wife recently had a baby and we are talking about my new godson, when he starts telling me that how exausting it is to have a baby. Then he tells me his wife is the one who cares for the baby day and night all week and she's been complaining that he doesn't help her. He says that's because he works all day, as if to say that she doesn't. Now, as a single parent who raised my son on my own his entire life with no help from his dad, this ticked me off. I not only had a child to care for, I also had to go out and work all day, then come home to cook, clean and care for my son at night. My cousins wife may not be working outside the home at the moment, but caring for a baby is the hardest job that there is since you're always on the clock.
My cousin says that his wife is depressed and he can't even see that it's because she's exausted and she needs help. They also have a 5 year old and mom has her hands full.
So, my cousin feels that since he goes to work for 8 to 10 hours a day, that his job is done when he gets home from work and he has done his part. His wife also does all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, so she's pretty much his personal maid.
The father of my son use to tell me that caring for babies and doing the housework was a womans job, which of course is one of the reasons why he's my ex.

I can't believe in this day and age that so many men still have this attitude and I wonder if things are changing at all.
It's not like the old days when men worked 16 hour days and the women would take care of things at home. These days most women have to work as well just to help make ends meet and then after work they have to go home to cook, clean and take care of the kids for the rest of the night and even if they are stay at home moms, their job is 24/7.

I tried explaining this to my cousin, but all he could say was "Well, I work all day", and I responded with "so does she"! I told him that if he truly wanted to walk a mile in his wifes shoes, he should send his wife away for a week next time he has a vacation, so he can care for the kids on his own for a week to see what it's really like. Maybe then he'd realize how easy his job is and get off his ass to help his wife out with "their" children.

My cousins wife may be home now, but she is a teacher and will be back in class come Sept, so she is by no means, a housewife.

I would like to hear from the men out there who don't share my cousins attitude and actually meet their wives half way. I just want to be reminded that not all men have this stone age mantality.
Tell me what you do to help the women and children you love dearly.

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Tell me what you do to help the women and children you love dearly.

Montana- I was going to pass this thread by when I realized that you wanted replies from the men. Your last sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Do you realize that, unconsciously or not, you have bought into the old stereotypes? By saying "What do you do to help", the implication is that the job is the woman's, and what the guy is doing, is helping her, with what is, after all, HER job.

Over the years, I have observed a great change in the roles of males and females. When I was a kid, growing up in the '40s and 50's the jobs were clearly defined. The man worked, and the woman stayed home, kept house, and raised the children.

I had a friend, who had a child in the early sixties. She told me that her husband could not wait to get home from work, to diaper and bathe her little one. I can remember being shocked, and more than a little bit envious. In those years, men being involved in the day to day care of littke kids was highly unusual. The time that men did get involved, was when the child was a boy, and was old enough to be at the receiving end of a baseball!

A lot of men are not happy about sharing duties, especially the scut work, that in the past was automatically assumed by the woman. After all, it IS taking on more work. It is really a matter of working things out between the two people in the couple. Each couple need to decide, for themselves, the duties that they will assume, the jobs that they will share with their spouses, and the jobs that the other person will do. There is no right or wrong. Each couple is different, in terms of abilities, and interests. The important thing is that the jobs be divvied up equitably.

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You're right, Phoenix I should have worded that part differently.

Anyway, I just see far too many men still stuck in these attitudes that child care and housework is womans work and it truly makes my skin crawl. Of course I know that not all men are like this, but for every man that I have to hear talk with this attitude, I like to atleast hear from one who thinks differently about things and is willing to share the every day tasks at home that we are faced with.

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Most of the fathers I know do help out. I think the upcoming generation of men (those now in their 20's and 30's) have a better attitude. I could be wrong coming from liberal NY, but I think the old ways are dying a welcome death. I think women also have to stand up for themselves. In 1958 when my brother was born my father refused to change his diaper, my mother told him that was unacceptable and not a choice - by catching the problem at the first sign of it I think she was able to win the battle and eventually the war.

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Green Witch- Although I don't think that most men appreciate ultimatums, but in the case of your mom, it worked. I think that you hit on a key element. Many women, when faced with a husband who has difficulty in adapting, will take the easy way out, and capitulate. By standing her ground, you mother got your father to pitch in.

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So this whole thing with women having small feet so they can get closer to the sink is just a myth?

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ratzenhoffer- One of these days..........................One of these days......................................POW! Right in the kisser! :wink:

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Ouch!

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Most all of the men I know are NOT like that, Montana. My husband does at least half and often more than half of the housework. He works way the heck too much, but recognizes that it doesn't give him a free pass when he's home. He's done a lot of the childcare from when the kid was born.

He works with a professor who has basically made a conscious decision to have an OK but not stellar career in favor of spending time with his family. He works from home a lot, doesn't take on too many outside responsibilities, and keeps his focus on his family.

I've spoken before about my good friend who is a stay-at-home dad -- it wasn't planned ahead of time, (though he did make it happen, quit his job etc.) and he'd sometimes shake his head in wonder and say, "I never really thought I'd get married, much less buy a house, much less have a kid, much less have two kids, much less be a stay-at-home dad...!"

I don't think I know a single dad like your cousin.

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Maybe we have to ask more questions before we get married - Like: Do you think there is such a thing as "women's work" and "man's work"? What do you think is fair when it comes to dividing up the domestic work? Personally, I don't do the chainsaw work around our place and my partner has no talents around a stove, but we take turns cleaning the bathroom and throwing the laundry in. Perhaps we should all be careful about not marrying or reproducing with strangers.

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My wife and I certainly know that work is to be shared. She works at home, I work at the office, then we both work when we're both at home. Why anyone would give up that time with their kid(s) is a mystery to me.

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My hubby helps a LOT around the house. He cooks, cleans, takes care of the outside, does laundry and wakes up with me to get Mel ready for school. In fact I have had to in the past tell him to back off a bit and let me have some thing to do. One thing that caught us as odd and kind of sad is, We try to both take her out to the bus as we leave for a walk afterwords each morning. This one day we were doing just that and waiting for her to board the bus and say our see ya laters when this lil kid asks her why we both came out every day with her. Mel said that is my mom and dad and the kid goes ewww they live together? I thought wow is a two parent family so rare these days. Anyhow yes there are very good men out there still and every day more are put out by good mothers like yourself and others. I use to think that men are closer to boys as well but Tim is pretty good with Mel. I get a kick out of watching them two. One of my fave home movies that I love to watch is one where she is under the bed durring a loud storm and he is under there with her talking to her about how cool a storm can be. All you can see of her is a lil foot sticking out and Tims big ol body as he could only get his head and shoulders under there.
So don't worry there's still hope. ya just gotta look around and you'll find a good one.