Emotionally bankrupt....what to do?

awwwwwwww, She is Soooooo gonna kick herself if it doesn't work out. You know what they say you don't know what you have till it's gone. You sound just too perfect though. there must be some thing you do wrong. ya don't do windows right?
hmm heheh. Yes sex is something that should never be given up cold turkey, or gradually for that matter. This did make me worry though as you say you are 39 and this started 8 years ago. That would put you right about my age now and as i said it's starting to dwindle so your post was kind of a wake up call. I read it to my husband and told him i don't want to get to that point cause ummm i don't think I could be so patient. Anyhow you seem like an awsome guy keep up the good work and I hope she realizes what a great guy she does have.

Very interesting Devious. I didn't read Mike's post to my husband or even talk about it, but I did find myself being much more touchy-feely and huggly-snuggly than I've been in a long time. Was it Mike's post or the fact that he's going to Las Vegas next week that makes me want to make sure he feels loved? hmmmm, maybe both :wink:

Mike, you said you've found relief in being able to confide in us even though we're all strangers. Sometimes it's easier to confide in online strangers than your IRL friends and family because we don't sit in judgement on you or your wife and we can give our opinions until dooms day and it's all up to you what you do with them. I have a different forum that I've been on for two years and some real (and now IRL) friendships have bloomed out of it. I'm glad you've found this place and also glad to see you posting on some of the other threads.

I'm also glad to see you're going for some marriage counseling. I hope you wife joins you, but if she doesn't at least you'll be able to get some professional assessment of your marriage. Good luck to you.

J_B me too! This thread was like a reminder to give my sweetie and extra dose of loving. I'm smiling today!

Glad I gave you a chuckle Mike - however I don't suggest any boink-fests, just kidding!

Awwww, shucks.....
WHAT??? No boink fests??? And here I was getting my hopes up!! I guess I'll just have to fly out to San Diego and meet my destiny there...(inside joke)

I found out the problem today. I'm really a lesbian in a man's body. That must be what's wrong with me.

And yes, I DO do windows only because I HATE looking through murky and smeary windows.....hehehehe I'm pretty anal retentive when it comes to cleanliness....jeez, when I do the dishes, I even shine the chrome on the sink when I'm done because I love the sight of CLEAN!! (I know, I know....I'm hopeless and need to see a therapist. )

Need to run...just made a fresh pot of coffee and need my post-noon fix. Talk to you soon.

Mike (all my friends call me Mikey so feel free)

P.S. To the moderator.....sorry for posting my business info....it's a habit. I didn't mean to be trolling for business or anything. Thanks for not banning me for life.

Yes man, we generally reserve boink-fests for the single guys here, or at least some online flirting. But since cyber-sex can be considered cheating we will have to control ourselves around Mikey.

Although ya gave me a good chuckle with the lesbian in a mans body - I LIKE THAT!

Mikey is it? Hmmm I live 2 hrs from San Diego...... hehehehehe so if you come to SD to seek your destiny let me know... :wink:

((((((Mikey))))))

I am so glad that you are here and that we can be here for you. Happiness is not just an option we get to choose from in life....it is a god given right to seek and find.

You are one incredibly patient man and have been from day one it seems when you actually waited for 13 months just to consummate your marriage! And now having gone 8 years with nothing more than basic conversation with your wife just blows me away...

I am not unfamiliar with your situation at all, although some of the every day instances may be different. My fiance's former wife acted so very much like your own, in some of your posts, I had to make sure it wasn't him and not you. His wife literally shut down emotionally for the last 12 years (of 17) that he was married. She would not let him touch her in any way, nor would she express any loving gesture towards him. As you said, it isn't even the sexual part...it's the holding hands, cuddling at night, a sweet kiss in the morning, a gentle rub of the shoulders. HUMAN CONTACT!! Please do not let HER actions emasculate you in any way if you can help it. I can tell by your posts you are still as loving and caring and creative and smart and so longing for the love that you have always carried in your heart. Hold onto that!! It will come back to you one day, but as I said before, maybe not with her.

I don't know what your wife's medical or mental situation is, but just to share a bit of my own fiance's wife's experiences, she was diagnosed a long time ago as bi-polar, schizophrenic, paranoid and delusional. She has twice attempted suicide, has never worked a day in her life....either outside the home or in the home. He had done all of the bread winning and housekeeping for years and years and years and like your wife, she would always find fault with something..

As you pointed out, children learn what they live and they learn about relationships from their parents primarily. Good or bad. I feel your concern about your children very much and with my fiance, that was finally a big motivating factor to finally leave the relationship. He did not want his son to grow up believing that this was normal or right or even ok.
It was an incredibly hard decision for him to make, but one, that in the end, was correct for him and his son

I am thrilled that you are going to seek marital counselling, with or without her. I honestly think it will help you evaluate your relationship from an honest perspective and give you the tools and strength to make the decisions that will be right for everyone concerned. It's not about who is right or wrong, but about finding peace and happiness for you and your children. I do hope you can make it with your high school sweetheart and that given time, things will evolve into a once again true loving partnership.

You will always have us here, through the good times and the bad, we will not judge as another mentioned, but we will support you in any way that we can. You'll be amazed at how quickly we might turn into some of those friends you have never met.

You are much stronger than you may believe at this moment and my heart is with you.

Aw, Mikey, I love that name! And I think a Real Man isn't afraid to be called Mikey...or snugglebins, or bunnykins...

I think many people would not have stayed around after a full year of marriage and no intercourse; the eight years thing is mind-boggling.

You sound so thoughtful, funny, kind, smart, and good-natured that it's hard to believe your wife doesn't appreciate you more. Her loss!

I imagine if your wife got some real (I guess I mean medical) help, you'll find her problems go very deep...perhaps they can be helped by therapeutic drugs? I hardly ever suggest such a thing, but in some cases, at least for a time, they can help someone see things more clearly.

And speaking of seeing clearly, I love clean windows too, though I'm often untidy in other ways. Part of me believes a clean window means a clean (mental) view of the world. Teehee... someone once told me they thought my 25-year-old car had all the windows broken out of it, they were so clean!

Let us know how therapy goes, OK? I've really enjoyed all your posts, and look forward to hearing more from you.

BorisKitten, I chuckled when you said you think a real man isn't afraid to be called Mikey. I laughed because my job as an engineer has me working at a shipyard with rough and tough, weather-beaten guys who work outside building Navy destroyers all year round and so one would think that being called Mikey is a bit juvenille or feminine. Well, I am proud of my nickname and I even have it written on my hard hat on both front and back in large black letters. EVERYONE at the yard knows me as Mikey, the friendly, happy-go-lucky engineer that has way too many girl friends. (By girl friends, I simply mean by gender, not by relationship). You see, I find it very, very easy to talk to women and all the women I know tell me that I am a very genuine man and they do not feel threatened, intimidated, or duped into thinking I'm somebody other than who I present myself to be. You know how guys can play that "macho" crap and try to impress the ladies. Well, I'm not into that. If a woman can't love me for the man that I am, then why bother? I was told that I am "disarming" by one lady. I took that as a great compliment. She explained that she also felt like she could be herself and not have to worry about me having some ulterior motive for just being a nice guy. That is what friendship is all about, isn't it? Being yourself.

I just don't understand why the guys at work are afraid to talk to the ladies. They tell me that their wives would kill them. I told them that their wives need to get a grip because we work with them and are required to communicate with them. Sheesh. When I see a beautiful lady at work I'll go talk with her, introduce myself as "Mikey", tell her where I work and that it's nice to meet her. If she tells me her name, fine. If not, I'll tell her to have a great day and I'll walk off. What's the big deal about that? If she was a new person and weighed 400 pounds, I'd do the same thing because that's just how I am I guess. The guys at work tell me they are very intimidated by beautiful women. Why? Because they are afraid of rejection. hehehehe What exactly do they think they are being rejected for??? If they are going to try their macho crap and try to get laid, ya, they'll probably get rejected. If they just want to be friendly, I don't think that just because a woman is beautiful means that she is going to turn her nose up at a man who introduces himself. If she does, well, then perhaps she's not the kind of friend that I want anyway. However, I have yet to have any beautiful woman turn her nose up at me just because I came over and said hi, introduced myself, and walked away. Oh well. LOL

Now, about them therapeutic drugs....maybe I need to be doing some of those.....hehehehehe NOT! I'd lose my security clearance and my job. Can't have that now. hehehehe

Lady J, I already consider you a "friend I've never met" and I feel the same about everyone here who has been so supportive and caring. It really does make a difference in our lives to have friends and others we can confide in to share our pain, our joy, and the entire gamut of emotions in between. I only hope that I, too, can help someone out with advice when I read various posts here.

Uh-oh....need to run. I hear some Cocoa Pebbles calling my name up in the kitchen! Whoo hooo!!!

Have a great day everyone!

Mikey

Teehee, Mikey, if you ever get divorced, you'll be fending off other women with sticks! A LOT of sticks!

You're a great example to us all...male and female alike.

Well, I did it. Today after lunch and after the kids all disappeared to do their own thing, I confronted my wife about marriage counseling. I told her that I needed to know if she is still interested in have a real marriage. If not, I would look in another section of the yellow pages instead of in the couseling section. I told her I wasn't wasting my time anymore. We were either going to resolve the issues and get back on track or I was leaving. No middle ground. I'm either going to have a wife and a marriage or I'm not. No more pussy-footing around. I have a lot to give to the right woman and I would like to think that I'm worth enough to a woman to want to give back to me. Marriage isn't 50/50 as far as I'm concerned. It has to be 100% given both ways. I can't give "half" of myself in a marriage. I have to give ALL of myself in a marriage or the marriage is destined to fail.

I told her that we needed to resolve the intimacy issues or, dammit, I'm going to find someone whom I can be intimate with; someone who wants and enjoys making love to me and with me. I told her that I have been more patient than anyone I know in not having sex for eight years WHILE MARRIED. Hell, my stupid cat gets sex more often than I do. That isn't right. I don't need a frickin' roommate....I need a wife.

And so, tomorrow I will be calling my health insurance company and see if they have a list of local providers for marital counseling. If that doesn't work, then it's off to see a property manager for my own place to live.

And now I'm off to go watch the NASCAR race with my son.

Good day!

Mikey

Glad to hear you've made the first step. Best wishes and good luck.

So happy to hear it, Mikey! Seems like she REALLY needed a wake-up call.

Did her reponses give you any reason for hope?

Glad you got to talk it out. Like some said maybe you should go on your own if she wont go if only to get yourself some help. High fives the cat, you go kitty kitty.

photoman- But what was your wife's reaction to all of this?

My question too... I thought it a bit odd that Mikey didn't even mention her reactions.

Did she scream and throw things? Turn away? Not say anything at all? Say she'd think about it?

Well presumably since he's now searching for somewhere that does it she agreed eventually...

She agreed.
When I told her how I was feeling and we were either going to see a counselor or a lawyer, she said she wanted to see a counselor. She even suggested where I should look for one. I'll be calling tomorrow to get the low-down on some good counselors in the area. I told her it wasn't just counseling for the communication stuff....it was counseling to deal with the total lack of intimacy and my desire to look elsewhere for sexual gratification. If she won't provide it, I will find it elsewhere. That probably makes me a terrible person for saying that because it kind of cheapens the concept of marriage and fidelity but I just can't take it anymore. There must be at least one woman out there who would love a man who cares about a woman's needs and her sexual gratification and who also cares about the needs of her man.

My fingers are crossed but with quiet reservation.....

Take care.

Mikey

Gosh, Mikey, after waiting 8 years, I think there's little you could do at this point to become a "terrible person!"

Believe me, there's more than one woman out there who would be delighted to find a man of your caliber. Really!

So glad to hear she didn't just rant... crossing fingers too... Let us know how it goes, OK?

Thanks, BK. I'm humbled by your compliments. I guess I'm just so used to having zero self-esteem and no belief in myself that I gave up on thinking I was someone anyone would find attractive. I do have a very dear friend in CA who thinks the world of me and for that I'm very grateful and appreciative. Having good friends is important in life because somewhere along the journey we all fall into pits and need someone to pull us out. You are all helping me to see that I actually have something to offer in this relationship.

Thank you all for being my new friends!! You guys (and gals mostly) RULE!!

Have a great week! I'm getting ready for our 14 new inches of snow coming tonight. Whoo hoo!!!

Mikey