Emotionally bankrupt....what to do?

photoman- Welcome to A2K!

There are a number of very important things that you have left out in your thread. How was your married life before her sex drive took a nosedive?

Was she responsive to you in the early part of your marriage? Can you put your finger on something that might have triggered the change in her eight years ago?

Have you discussed your unhappiness with the situation with your wife? If so, what is HER response? If not, why not?

Hi Mike, welcome to A2K.

Eight years is a very long time to be patient and I'm going to assume you've discussed your feelings with your wife and you have some kind of understanding about what happened back then, whether it was a medication she started taking or an event of some sort that shut her down emotionally.

I recently heard the often times quoted statistic of 50% of all US marriages ending in divorce updated to add that only 50% of marriages that survive are considered happy by both parties. It sounds like you're in the group of long-term marriages that go on and on but without happiness. I think that each of us has the right to pursue happiness and if you've gone through the effort of trying to resolve your wife's feelings and there's no hope for a future of happiness, then divorce is an option to consider.

The fact that you have teenage children complicates the picture but it doesn't mean that you need to stay in an unhappy relationship just for their sake. If you have a good relationship with them I think you will be able to maintain those bonds if you and your wife separate. Speaking of which, separation is a step you can take without proceeding directly to divorce. It can sometimes be a wakeup call and result in positive changes in a shaky relationship or it can show each of you that you're better off on your own.

Good luck to you. I can hear the pain in your post.

Phoenix and J_B, I will give you all the details leading up the the current situation. I didn't include them only for the sake of brevity. Since you ask, here is a brief synopsis.

Prior to 8 years ago we lived in a different house. Our sex life was great, our communication was great and things were fine. We moved into a new house and it's like within a very short period of time, the fountains of love were shut off. I've discussed this with her too many times to count and it usually ends up in a fight and her telling me that she doesn't understand why I can't just live without a sexual relationship in our marriage. It becomes pointless to discuss it.

During the transition into the new house, nothing was stressful and there were no other significant life events that were catastrophic or otherwise stressful. She just told me one day that she no longer likes sex and that was that. Between then and now she has grapled with anorexia and has been in and out of the hospital for the last five years or so. I understand how anorexia can wreak havoc upon hormones and body chemistry but the problem goes back way before she started on the path of anorexia. She is better now. She has gained back 35 pounds, has a job, and is functional and healthy. She did start smoking, which pissed me off to no end because her mother, uncle, sister, father, and others have contracted cancer. Her mother ended up dying from lung cancer and her father just had surgery to have cancer removed. She doesn't understand why I'm upset. She also hid the fact that she started smoking for over a year. All the while I was trying to figure out where the hell all of my money was going. A carton a week adds up real quick...not just a pack; a full carton.

Moving right along, we have had discussions all the time about my feelings, her feelings, how this affects our marriage, etc., but all she can say is, "I'm sorry", but then does nothing to rememdy the situation. I've asked her to go see her OB/GYN to have her hormones checked and to discuss this situation with her doctor but she doesn't do it. She says she's too busy. I ask her what is more important, her "schedule" or our marriage and that doesn't get any response either.

I send her flowers at work, I get her cards, I do the dishes for her, I do laundry, clean the house, all those things that are "supposed to" help a man's sex life and it makes no difference. In fact, it works out against me sometimes because I'll let the house get a bit messy while she's away and when she gets home, she gets all upset because I didn't clean everything up. I don't do these things all the time but I do them a couple times a week at least, just so she knows I don't think it's her "job" to do all of that. After all, it's OUR household, not HER household. I have as much responsibility to do those things as she does.

Anyway, this situation affects my behavior at home. I am not happy at home. I don't laugh much except maybe with my kids. I'm so lonely that I just want to die (not suicidal though...) and my heart aches for companionship, intimacy, romance, and those things that are supposed to be normal in marriage. Am I fooling myself into thinking that I can actually have a fulfilling relationship with a woman? Society has painted me out to be cold and indifferent and stupid. Well, wake up America. I like romance, I like intimacy, I like communication and fulfilling dialogue, I like sex, and I'm not stupid or the typical bufoon as shown in most TV sitcoms. I have feelings. I have needs and desires. I don't think it's wrong to expect to have those things fulfilled in my marriage.

Sorry for the long diatribe. That's pretty much where we're at right now. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for responding so quickly. I look forward to more dialogue with you all.

Mike

I don't think your wanting sex is wrong in any stretch of the imagination. Sex is important, whether people like to believe it or not. The fact that she doesn't want sex with you tells me perhaps, she doesn't love you that way anymore. It sounds like you are roommates, not lovers. How old are your children? Sometimes, it is better for the children that the parents get divorced. Kids know when mom and dad aren't getting a long. The see it and hear it and sence it. Living in an unloving home is just as bad (if not worse) as seperated parents. perhaps you should consider leaving. You do not deserve a life like this. LIFE IS FAR TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY.

You moved to a new house -- how far was it from the old one? Was her everyday life/ friendships/ work situation disrupted, or did she still have access to all the same people and everyday activities?

photoman- Yeah, but the emotional difficulty that caused the anorexia may be the same problem that has messed up your sex life. Have you studied the causes of anorexia, and determined why your wife is suffering from it? What strikes me as peculiar is that in the vast majority of cases, anorexia begins in late adolescence. Your wife was in her thirties.

Had she shown any other signs of emotional distress before the anorexia began? Have you discussed this with her psychiatrist? It might be a good idea to get some feedback from him. You probably need to see him together with your wife, or at least get her consent, in writing. He can't reveal anthing confidential to you without her permission.

It seems to me that you have a wife with some sort of chronic emotional problem that will be with you as long as the two of you are together. You have a number of choices. You can stick it out with her, realizing that you may have to forget about the sexual side of your reationship. You can tell her that you are willing to work hard with her, with the help of her psychiatrist, to help her get beyond this difficulty. You can tell your wife that you cannot live as you are living now, and that you will actively look for physical companionship elsewhere. Or, you can decide that it is just not worth the effort, and divorce.

As far as the kids are concerned, they are far better off with a happy divorced, parent, that a miserable married one.



If she's been in and out of psych hospitals, that's where she picked up the smoking habit. In my years of working with the chronically mentally ill, smoking appeared to be the one thing that gave most of them pleasure. The vast majority smoked like fiends. Back off on that one. If you decide to stay together, the smoking is one of the things that you can work on later. Don't pressure her.

Think this through, and decide what you want to do. Good luck!

Eating disorders are not an entity in themselves. They are a symptom of a problem which, if left untreated, become a problem of their own. The underlying issues of what led to the eating disorder still need to be resolved. Did she receive counseling or an evaluation for depression as well as for the anorexia? If the move was an event that triggered depression and it was never treated then those issues might still exist.

Regardless, I don't think you are in the least bit unreasonable to want happiness in your life. I'm not sure why you think society has painted you as cold, indifferent and stupid. I don't see you as any of those things. Asking a man to give up sex or intimacy of any kind at the age of 31 is a lot to ask. You said she can't understand why you simply can't live without a sexual relationship. The answer is you shouldn't need to. Even if there was a physical impairment that prevented certain types of intimacy, there are always other ways.

I have said before that when a relationship holds no hope for future happiness it is time to look at alternative choices.

Stories like this make me afraid of marrige sometimes.

I'll try to answer all the questions posted in one shot here. We moved to a new house but it's less than 1/4 of a mile away from our old one and so she didn't lose out on any friendships or anything as a result.

She has been seeing a counselor for many years about issues from her past and those issues have never seemed to interfere with our sex life prior to about 8 years ago. I still don't know if there is a correlation at this point but it can't be ruled out. Perhaps new things surfaced in her counseling that triggered this mode she's in but she doesn't know either.

She smoked when we were dating and I told her I wouldn't marry her until she quit. Well, she quit for about 18 years and then started up secretly while in-patient at a psychiatric hospital. I've studied anorexia and it's causes for years because it affected me so much and it also affected my children. It also caused me concern for my daughter, who is 13. I didn't want her to pick up mom's habits of not eating and all that. My wife was down to 68 pounds. Imagine, if you will, a woman who is 5'6" tall weighing 68 pounds. It's a terrible sight. Disgusting to see. I stuck by her and I provided stability for the kids during her lengthy stay in the hospital and I also incurred well over $100,000 in medical bills that were not covered by insurance. I missed a lot of work and I also run my own business, which basically went under because of the time I had to take to raise my children and try to make ends meet. I have been financially destroyed and I can't even get a loan to buy a Barbie Doll. My credit is destroyed and I have nothing left. Through all of that, I have stayed the course, raised my children, been the faithful husband, kept the household running, etc. I'm not trying to blow my own horn here. I'm just laying all the groundwork for all of you so that you can see the whole picture.

As far as the smoking goes, I don't ride her about it. She knows exactly how I feel about it and I don't have to say a word.

My concern in contemplating divorce is that my wife has no job skills really to speak of. She was a terrible student in high school, flunked most classes, was a pot head, and didn't care about her future. She didn't attend college or trade school and works at a job for minimum wage and only gets 25 hours per week. If I left, she'd be up sh*t creek without a paddle and I have a real moral dilemma in doing that to her. I wouldn't abandon my kids. That would never happen. But I'm also not willing to pay for her rent, electricity, groceries, etc., for the rest of eternity. I need to move on. I also wouldn't deprive the kids of seeing their mom nor do I think she would deprive me of seeing my kids. If it got ugly in court, I really don't think I'd have a hard time winning custody. I am a field engineer, have a very high security clearance, am very stable mentally, and I have no history of, nor any need for, psychiatric counseling or medication. I'm a decorated veteran and a good father as well. I am the one with the stability in my life that kids need. But I don't want to play that card. I want the kids to be OK. My children are very close to both my wife and I and to each other. I don't want to do anything to jeapordize that.

I guess perhaps I just need to tell her that I'm moving out because she isn't being a wife to me. She is more like a sister or roommate to me and that's not how a husband and wife should live. Perhaps the shock of hearing that will be a wake-up call.

Well, I've dragged on endlessly again. I apologize. I guess I just need to vent a bit. Thanks for allowing me to do that. Your advice is much appreciated and you can be sure that it has given me much food for though.

Mike

Tenoch, this really sounds like there's a case of major psychological problems -- not just the problems you'd expect to run into.

It seems pretty clear that the anorexia and reduction of libido are linked -- I mean, maybe just an accident of timing, but it would make sense. There are the hormonal aspects but also that anorexia is about (among other things) feeling ugly and undesirable, and from your words that obviously wasn't just a feeling -- when she was 65 pounds, you did find her disgusting. Understandably. My point is that perceived feelings of disqust, understandable are not, probably won't contribute to a healthy sex life.

Have you attended counseling together? There seems to be a rather astonishing lack of real communication.

Remember that counseling can smooth the ending of a relationship, not just attempt to fix it.

At any rate, there seem to be problems in your marriage that go well beyond the simple fact that your sex life is not satisfactory -- that seems to be a symptom rather than the cause.

Good luck.

Mike, I really feel for you. You sound like some sort of Saint, so I wonder if I'm just missing something....

As I female I would Never stay married for eight years with no sex...after all, sex is a large part of why we marry in the first place.

If I were you, I would consider separation from your wife. I very much doubt she will be motivated to change without some big changes in her life. Separation may be a wake-up call for her.

I believe the 2 of you can work out a financial agreement, if it comes to that, which you can both live with.

Your children know what is going on, whether you are aware of it or not. They are almost always better off with a single, happy parent than with a miserably married couple.

Seek your own happiness, and let her seek hers. As much as you may want to, you cannot make her happy; work on your own happiness...no person really has anything else.

Amen to that! I totally agree. You have all given the exact advice I would give. And to Tenoch - don't let this frighten you from marriage - not all marriages are like this. It's up to YOU and YOUR SPOUSE that determines a good or bad marirage.

Well it was bound to happen one of these days - finding a post where I felt sorry for the guy. I can't pick apart your posts Mike and say "BAM! You're doing this wrong, or that wrong" - looks to me like your ladys got some fault in this here relationship. Course that don't make YOU perfect (which you readily admit to, blast it!) but I gotta say, I feel for you man. I can't imagine being with a partner and not having those loving feelings (or sex) for 8 years.

I know you are trying to get her to talk to you but there is a question that needs answering here - does she love you? really love you? What discussion have you had with her with respect to answering that one question? If you do still love her and she truthfully still loves you then there might be something to salvage. If not, then I think it might be time to move on. I don't think you are prepared to live the remainder of your life this way, right?

okay I haven't been around in a while but what is that annoying green underlined word in my post that links to a dating website? Is that some new feature in A2K? Some words turn into weird links?

I don't see anything Heeven.

Mike, did it ever occur to you that by giving your wife a fiat, such as "Quit smoking or else, " that you may have communicated a my-way-or-the-highway sort of message? Perhaps you had better do some introspection and decide if you are the controlling type. Sorry to be a dissenter, but I think every relationship needs to have a two way street and not a cul-de-sac.

I'm 25 and i'm told that you've gone through most of your character developement by now. It's just scary to think that 10 or 20 years into your marrige people can still change and grow in opposite directions.

It sounds like you're not getting the communication you deserve from your wife. You need to go to joint counseling of some sort, be it family or marriage and get the issues out in the open to where they can be discussed.

It sounds like a wall has been built up and it's really hurting your marriage. Don't waste another moment, and schedule a session to either get over the wall, or atleast know what is on the other side.

Tenoch, people continue to grow and change and mature and develop into who they are forever. Sometimes as couples they grow together, sometimes they grow in different directions but are emotionally connected enough to make it through some storms and over some bumps. On the other hand, sometimes they grow apart as individuals and emotionally as couples. The person you marry will be the same person in many ways 50 years later, but they will be altogether different in many other ways.