Emotionally bankrupt....what to do?

Still, you have no control over how your partner grows. they can fall out of love with you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Wow, you have your hands full. I doubt if a request (or ultimatum) to stop smoking would cause such a riff. I noticed you mentioned your wife has been hospitalized for a disorder in the past and sees a counselor now. Maybe it's time for the two of you to see a counselor for the marriage. Sometimes a disinterested third party can break down the walls of resistance and get both parties to acknowledge the problem. On your wife's behalf, she could have entered early premenopause and that sometimes causes a decrease in libido. Problems like these don't resolve themselves and I urge you to get a good counselor. You should also keep in mind that the first counselor you talk to might not be attuned to your plight so if one doesn't work out, see somebody else. The problem might just be a matter of medication correction or it could be more serious. I can't promise you that everything will work out the way you wish, but you need as much information about what is going on in order to plan for the future. I hope you get a happy resolution and wish you and your family nothing but the best.

I agree JB people do continue to grow throughout their lives, if you want to grow together you need to continue to do things together - which will result in growing in the same direction. Sacrifices need to be made to do that at times. If you truly love your spouse and want to be with them forever you have to compromise and be unselfish in every way.

And as for Mike - I don't think he sounds like a controlling type at all. The stop smoking remark was said prior to their getting married, and she did stop for 18 years and only took it up later - in the past year I believe.

You can also love someone but not be IN love with them. There is a big difference. You can also love someone and not like them.

alsoarty made a very good point....while you can't MAKE anyone do anything, you can do all you can to express your own affection to your mate, thus making it a great deal more likely that they WILL stay in love.

Also very good points about what "love" really is, alsoarty....though I fear the definition of "love" varies from person to person.


Mike, where are ya? I feel like we're talking about you after you've left the room, which hardly seems polite.

My first thought was, he gave her a car?

Boris, that's exactly what we needed. A little levity. Love it.

fiat money and a fiat car,
That's the kinda lovin' that will go far.

Sorry, Mike. Just funnin' around.

Seriously, think of this: Just suppose that Mike had said, "Hey, you lose twenty pounds, or let's call the whole thing off." One shouldn't make conditions and expect things to run smoothly.

Al, eighteen years? I must have misread something.

I think the desire to revert back to an old, long given up, unhealthy coping mechanism is natural during times of crisis. Mike said that she had a number of issues from her childhood and teenage years and she probably used cigarettes as a crutch to get through those times. I admit that when I'm extremely stressed I'll crave a cigarette even though I quite over 15 years ago. It's the first thing I want when I need something to help me relax. Alcoholics have to fight off the urge to drink whenever they're faced with an emotional crisis even years after giving up booze.

I'm not surprised she started smoking again while in-patient for psychiactric issues. Particularly if she was surrounded by other smokers during that time.

Love the little song Letty, you know you could make Big Beans writing stuff like that....

I also don't want Mike to think we don't care, because we do. Mike, we're hoping you at least get a laugh out of this, if nothing else. I misread a LOT of things, and often it's quite funny.

You know, I thought he said she quit for 18 years, too. Seems like an awfully long time. Was it really that long, Mike?

That's what he said. It still doesn't surprise me.

Guess I'll remain beanless then, Boris.

Mike, I'm sure you'll work it out. Things are rough in any relationship, whether it be with family, friends, or spouses.

and incidentally, Welcome to A2K.

We all went off on the cigarette thing - that is not the problem - he has accepted that and has not forced her to quit or even spoken to her about that problem. He sounds like a very patient and understanding man - to have to sit and question why no sex in 8 years tells me something about the man. She is a foolish woman not recognizing what a gem of a husband she has.

Hi alsoarty, welcome to A2K.

I don't think she's foolish necessarily, but definately troubled and I agree he's been more than patient. Everyone has a rope they eventually reach the end of and it sounds like he's there.

Mike, if you're still reading, be well, take care, and keep us posted if you choose.

Thanks for the welcome JB.

Hi gang,

Yup, I'm still here. I didn't post much yesterday because I was so very tired. I went home and then tried to nap but needed to pick up my son from his friend's house. When I got home I ended up going to a friend's house for dinner and then came home and went straight to bed.

I am so touched that so many people have stopped in to share and give encouragement. You all have some great advice.

Here is my plan for now. I'm going to call a marriage counselor and tell Beth that we need to see the counselor. I will make further decisions after I see her response to me wanting to get counseling for our marriage. I am convinced that she has certainly fallen out of love with me but still loves me. She's not IN LOVE with me anymore.

Last night I was not in a good way emotionally and even my kids were asking me what was wrong. Beth asked me what was wrong and I just told her that I was frustrated. I left it at that because the kids were there. It's pretty much to the point that she knows why I'm frustrated.

I think I'm going to also talk with her and tell her that I am just at the very end of my rope and there is only one strand left. I think I have been more than patient and I have tried many times to rekindle the fire. I am never disrespectful to her as a woman by trivializing sex and I am not rude or crude about it. I merely ask her what it is about me that she finds so repulsive as to make her not want to make love anymore. I'm not God's gift to women but I do take care of myself. I'm fit and trim, I dress well, I am even teased by my wife because I love to take care of my skin by using Oil of Olay and body lotions and stuff. I just like soft skin and I like looking much younger than I am. Heck, I even got carded at a bar last year at 38 years old. She said it's not about me at all. Well, ok, then what exactly is it? She says she just doesn't know. Can I accept that answer? I guess I really don't have a choice. She says she finds me attractive and she expects me to find comfort in that. I explained to her that she NEVER tells me she finds me attractive and by never touching me or showing me any affection is sending me an entirely different message. When you're attracted to someone, ESPECIALLY your husband (or wife), your actions reflect that. You show affection, you show desire and passion, etc.

When I bring these things up to her, she just seems very indifferent about the whole thing. I was trying to explain my feelings to her about two weeks ago and I was just reduced to tears and weeping and couldn't finish. It didn't seem to have any effect on her either. And if you knew me well, you'd know that I have to really be in a bad place to be reduced to tears. I don't cry easily at all. Just due to the nature of my job and my personality, I'm not prone to giant mood swings or emotional outbreaks. I told her that I was profoundly lonely and felt like I was living in solitary confinement in my own home. I told her I needed touch (non-sexual as well as sexual) and that it was a basic human need. It's been said that we need some sort of physical touch (non-sexual) something like 8 times a day. It helps in our emotional, mental, and perhaps physical development.

Just between you, me, and the thousands reading this stuff (tongue-in-cheek), I don't feel like a man anymore. I have no self-esteem, no belief in myself to accomplish anything anymore, and I have basically been emasculated. I told my wife that I might as well donate my sex organs to the Smithsonian Institute so they can study what happens to them when they are never used. That statement didn't go over well but it's the truth. In any event, I personally recall how when we were younger and she was attracted to me and made love to me and even INITIATED sex with me (God, how I long for those days again), I felt like there was NOTHING I couldn't overcome. There was nothing in the world that would stand in my way. And WHY was that? Because I had a woman who LOVED me, a wife who made love to me and made me feel like a man, who made me feel validated and nothing else mattered. I didn't care if the sky was falling because I HAD A WOMAN WHO LOVED ME AND FOUND ME ATTRACTIVE. That is gone and with it, all of the feelings of humanity and manhood. I took great pleasure in knowing that I could make love to my wife and she RESPONDED to me and made love BACK to me. And I took great pleasure in knowing that I could bring her to mulitple orgasms because I took my time to make sure she was satisfied before I ever concerned myself with my own gratification. I felt that if I didn't make her climax, I had failed in my rseponsibility to my wife. I realize that a woman doesn't necessarily need to have an orgasm to feel satisfied sexually but I think you know what I'm saying. Her satisfaction was just that important to me. Now I have no one to pour out my affections on and it's really starting to tear me up. I have so much to give and nowhere to release it.

Well, I've babbled on endlessly again. I apologize for that. I guess it's the English major in me (coupled with the fact that I type 98 words a minute...LOL).

I'll close for now. Thank you all so very much for your concern, your advice, your encouragement. I look forward to more posts here and I will certainly keep everyone up to date on how things are going. Stay tuned! Film at eleven.

Mike

OK Mike, not a good idea to put your name and phone number here. Your posts are so emotionally effective with women that you are going to have us calling you for a boink-fest. Seriously man, don't you know that women love men who can TALK about their feelings and here you are, pining for some emotional and physical loving - you are going to drive us wimmin crazee!

Mike, our new resident photoman....

I admire the fact that you are able to recognize your needs, not only as a man but as a human being. Yes...we DO need the affection you speak of, even in a non-sexual way. A touch or a caress or a hug or a kiss. They are basic and they do keep us secure in our humanness (if that is a word!)

Making an appointment with a marriage counselor is WONDERFUL! Thank you for giving yourself that. Even if your wife refuses to go, please, please go on your own without her. In order to recount all of your feelings and emotions, you can also print out this thread and take it with you.

From your descriptions thus far, it appears your wife has completely shut down emotionally. Tuned out and detached herself from any pain and also any joy. That's a serious problem. Indifference, not only to you, but also to herself it seems.. Her inability to show any emotion now, where she was able to in the past calls for some examination, I would think, on the underlying causes, as many have already mentioned.

As we already know, there can be only one person who can truly make us happy and that is ourselves. The journey you begin today means there is a light at the end of your dark tunnel and somehow I feel you will find the happiness and joy that you so richly deserve. It may or may not include your wife, but you are definitely headed in the right direction.

I have a question. You mentioned kids. I assume they are yours and hers? or are they from a prior relationship? If they are both of yours then was there any change after child birth? I have a friend that after giving birth changed from night to day. Was very cold to her husband and even though it was not her first child was not even close to being the mommy she was with her other children. She changed incredibly. She became sick, angry, and very depressed.
I too am going through this kind of. We have been married 14 years and sex has slowed waaaay down. Neither of us are cheating and I can't just blame him as some times I just feel blah myself. I think maybe labido changes with ae I dont' know. But we're not old so not sure what the deal is in our cse. What we are trying is to change up things. try new stuff, new places. And lastly being checked medically as I think that is where the problem is for us anyway.
I agree with other there sex is a big part of marriage and It sucks when you really want and it's not available. You sould loving enough to try and find the problem and that is good. I hope you can get the help you need and the bedroom starts to brighten up for you again smile. Have a good day.
Always Maria.

Mike, you sound like such a sweetheart, and I'm really happy you've decided to see a marriage counselor...even if she flat-out refuses to go for some reason, go alone! You deserve happiness.

Wish you all the best, and big big virtual hugs to you! Let us know how things go, OK?

Hi Gang,

Heeven, your post gave me a good laugh this morning. You know, I love to talk and love to make new friends so feel free to call. As for the, er, "boink fest", well, I'll have to refrain from commenting on that one in a public forum. (but all bets are off in private.....hehehehe)

Lady J, you are right. My wife has pretty much shut down emotionally. She has even isolated herself from all of her friends. She won't call them or go to see them and when I go over to our friend's houses, it's always by myself. I usually end up feeling like a fifth wheel because everyone else has their husband or wife with them. I hate that because then I have to explain why Beth didn't come with me AGAIN. I gave up on trying to make excuses for her and just tell everyone who asks that she has just isolated herself and she is going to have to pull herself out of it because no matter what I say, it doesn't help.

Last night was the night from Hell at my house. My son asked me what was wrong and so I told him that I didn't think mom wanted to be married to me anymore. He said, "but she loves you." I said that yes, she may love me but she's not in love with me. I asked him when was the last time he saw her hug me, touch me, kiss me, make eyes at me, or anything like that and he couldn't remember. He then talked to her about it. I was upstairs painting my bathroom and heard him ask her if she loved me anymore and if she wanted to be married to me. I heard her say yes she did and then he said, "They why the hell don't you ever touch dad?" She said she didn't know and then didn't really talk to me for the rest of the night. It should be something they see us do EVERY DAMN DAY! Kids learn about affection and intimacy from their parents. They learn from me how to treat a woman and my daughter should learn from my wife as to how to treat a man. I feel very sorry for my daughter's husband if she follows my wife's lead. He'll be out the door in no time. My daughter is the apple of my eye and receives affection from me constantly and so I hope that she knows that is how she should be treated by a man. She is almost 14 now and is getting into that phase where she pushes me away but she does it while laughing because I will give her a big hug and then blow on her neck to make funny noises. She cringes, laughs, and yells for help but we have so much fun. I love that. I used to do that with Beth but not anymore. Her loss I guess.

Moving right along... Devious Britches, all three children are mine. My wife and I were both virgins when we got married because we felt that sex was meant for married couples. We dated for almost three years and then got married (actually, we eloped but that is another story). We, um, attempted to consummate our marriage that night but we couldn't. In fact, as it turns out, we weren't able to consummate our marriage until about 13 months later because any time we tried to have intercourse, it would cause her a lot of pain and I just didn't want to hurt her. We kept trying to no avail. I guess I'm one of the few people married who didn't have sex until 13 months AFTER the wedding night. SIGH...... As far as her libido after our children were born, it was fine. In fact, it lasted until well after my youngest was born. And then it just shut off like a faucet. I had to give up sex cold turkey. That's not really my favorite way to give it up, nor would sex be my choice of things to give up cold turkey anyway...hehehe

You know, when I go to the beach or the mall (or anywhere for that matter) and I see the ladies hanging on their guy's arm or stroking their hair with their fingers or laughing and joking with them, I get all teary eyed because I long for that soooooooo much. I love romance, I love touch, I love hugs, and I LOVE to spoil a woman in every possible way..... I love long foreplay, fireplaces, bear skin rugs, hot tubs, and just being able to look into the eyes of the one I love and please her to the utmost of my abilities but she doesn't want that at all. What's a guy to do, ya know???

I think today I'm going to start looking for a good counselor. I didn't get to do it yesterday because I had other things to attend to but I'll start making some calls today. Fortunately my company will pay for it all (except maybe a small co-pay). This lady was my high-school sweetheart. We dated from my sophomore year until right after I got out of boot camp from the Navy and then we got married. I think that's worth at least trying to save and so I'll give it my best shot.

Thanks for all your support! You are all awesome! I feel better just being able to talk about it with you even though you are all complete unknowns to me (but I do look forward to learning more about you all and being friends!!)

Need to run....I hear a hot lunch calling my name!!

Mike

Well Mike it looks like you truly love your wife and are going in the right direction in finding a resolve to your dilemma. Best of luck.