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Love my husband but no sexual chemistry

 
 
Reply Thu 10 May, 2018 09:32 pm
I am 31 years old and have been with my husband for 8 years, married for the past 4. When I met him, I was not looking for passion or physical chemistry, having had little experience of sex before we met. He is a kind, generous and loving partner who gives me a lot of stability, but I have never been sexually attracted to him. I travel overseas for work and last year began an affair with a colleague that lasted several months. This has since ended but I feel restless and unfulfilled. I feel awful knowing that my husband is so wonderful in so many ways, but I long for a passionate sexual connection. He is very into me, but I just cannot feel the same way in terms of our sex life. We have no children. I feel that if I am to leave or stay, a decision needs to me made now - I have agonised over this for the past year and feel completely torn. It will be devastating for us both to separate, but I fear the appeal of another affair etc.
 
jespah
 
  0  
Reply Fri 11 May, 2018 06:12 am
@Musicgal88,
It'll be worse if you don't let him go early, if it's as bad as you say.

But is it? Is it his look, his behavior, his technique? Much of that can be changed but you've got to be willing to work on it - both of you. And the problem needs to be acknowledged.

Tell him you think you need couples counseling. Better that he knows than that he's blindsided. And possibly with a sex therapist (or maybe a surrogate?).

If you work together, then you may be able to salvage things. If you can't, or you're not willing to, then throw in the towel now, before either of you wastes anymore time.
KM1946
 
  -4  
Reply Fri 11 May, 2018 11:01 am
@jespah,
I was in a similar situation when I was in my early 20's. Married but absolutely no physical chemistry at all. He was terrible in bed and when I was younger it did not matter to me because I did not know what good sex was. I had to ask myself if I could be content to have zero sexual satisfaction for the rest of my life. He was a premature ejaculator and if sex lasted more than 2-3 minutes it was a plus. The answer was No, I didn't want a relationship like that forever. Once the kids came along it would have been much, much harder to get out, so I left. He survived and I did too. I had a wonderful sex life with a great partner for many, many years. Unfortunately, things change over time and my relationship, with great sex, is on the brink of absolute collapse. You are still young and have many good years ahead. My advice is to not waste another minute being unhappy. He will survive and go on with his life without you. Sometimes in life, a person just needs to put themselves first.
0 Replies
 
Musicgal88
 
  -4  
Reply Fri 11 May, 2018 03:42 pm
@jespah,
Thank you for your advice - we have attended some couples' counselling over the past year, which is useful for addressing most minor issues between us, but I feel as though sexual chemistry cannot be created, it is either there or it isn't. I can't really describe what it is that makes me attracted sexually to someone, it is not just looks, it is that connection and energy between two people.

I wish there was a way to feel that spark, because then I would be content; not to say there aren't other issues but I see those as things that we can work through.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sat 12 May, 2018 02:01 pm
Let this “ wonderful” man you see as a friend, not a lover, go.

So he can find someone who is hot after him.

You are right. You can’t make someone feel sexually turned on. Apparently he lacks qualities that turn you on. I fully understand this.

You really need to figure out what turns you on in a man so you don’t make the same mistake again. Also realize that sexual energy and passion diminishes after a while. Then you get down to looking for “ wonderful” qualities.

Go to counseling by yourself to make sure you have thought all this through. You don’t want any regrets.

Really, he’s going to be all right. He may be relieved.
0 Replies
 
JJ910
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2019 10:31 pm
@Musicgal88,
WTF do you mean you’ve never been sexually attracted to him? You married him. And now you’re saying you have the option to stay or leave? This isn’t about you anymore. You had your “passionate sexual connection” behind his back and obviously want more so stop dragging this out. Let him start the healing process so he can begin a new life with someone better.
0 Replies
 
JJ910
 
  2  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2019 10:47 pm
@Musicgal88,
No PHd or counseling is gonna help fix what you have created. It’s also pretty shallow of you to have the nerve to sit in counseling sessions with him over “minor issues” while he remains clueless that you’re spreading your legs to other men. Poor guy probably even paid for the damn session. I hope he finds out sooner than later.
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FreedomEyeLove
 
  0  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2019 11:33 pm
@Musicgal88,
Quote:
I have never been sexually attracted to him.


Then why did you marry him?

Quote:
I travel overseas for work and last year began an affair with a colleague that lasted several months.


That's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself. But based on what you've described here, you're the type of person who doesn't consider how your actions affect others.

Quote:
I can't really describe what it is that makes me attracted sexually to someone, it is not just looks, it is that connection and energy between two people.


Let me guess, your husband isn't an alpha male is he? You want to be dominated. Your husband doesn't fulfill this for you. It's not a mystery, there's no magic involved. You want a man who projects higher value than you. It's a very base, evolutionary drive.

Quote:
It will be devastating for us both to separate


Incorrect. Your husband who put his faith in you will be devastated. He may even become so depressed that he becomes suicidal. But you will be fine. If you weren't fine with separating, you wouldn't have broken your husband's trust in the first place.

Quote:

I wish there was a way to feel that spark, because then I would be content;


No you wouldn't. Because that 'spark' fades. It even fades in the most intense relationships with the strongest sexual chemistry. That is not something to build a future on. It's fleeting.

Quote:
We have no children.


Why not have a child before you leave? Then you can trap your husband for child support and force him to pay for the new house you buy for yourself and Chad Thundercock.

Quote:
(I) Love my husband


No you don't. By your own admission, your actions, including lying and deceiving someone who put their trust and 8 years of their lifetime into you, don't show any 'Love" at all. You are selfish. What you're looking for here, is for someone to tell you that what you've done and continue to do is justified. It's not.
0 Replies
 
holyanderson
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 19 Jun, 2019 05:36 am
if you love your husband but don't have sexual relation, please try to discuss with them why they don't have sex with you. if there is any problem, try to solve it mutually
0 Replies
 
 

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