childfree living

I love kids, but have not met a woman that I think can put up for 20 years. Shocked

My ex-wife now has kids, and I would not have had mine raised the way hers are...

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midnight wrote:

I'm 20 and everyone keeps telling me I'll change my mind but I feel like I've already raised a sibling and I want to focus on my career and some causes that I'm interested in.

I also voted like sozobe - have child(ren) but not for everyone. Not everyone wants a child or is cut out to be a parent. It is better for those individuals to not have a child - for them and for the child.

At 20 I would not suggest having a permanent solution for birth control. You may not change your mind, but then again you may change your mind. Alot of things could happen in 10, 15 even 20 years. I also focused on my career and continued my education after graduating college. Then at 35 I had a child and other child just shy of 40.

A friend of mine in her late 20s was going to have her tubes tied at 30. She changed her mind in her late 30s couldn't conceive and is now trying to adopt.

I'm not saying you will change your mind, but alot could happen - you could opt for some longer term birth control - I believe that some work for 6 months or more.

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Me: Female, 23, in a serious relationship, want kids but now is not the time. When I'm 28 or 30, then I'll have a kid or two.

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Hi, I'm a 31 year old male who is single, enjoys Italian food, walks on the beach, and cuddling next to the fireplace.

LLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO

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Linkat wrote:

midnight wrote:
I'm 20 and everyone keeps telling me I'll change my mind but I feel like I've already raised a sibling and I want to focus on my career and some causes that I'm interested in.

I also voted like sozobe - have child(ren) but not for everyone. Not everyone wants a child or is cut out to be a parent. It is better for those individuals to not have a child - for them and for the child.

At 20 I would not suggest having a permanent solution for birth control. You may not change your mind, but then again you may change your mind. Alot of things could happen in 10, 15 even 20 years. I also focused on my career and continued my education after graduating college. Then at 35 I had a child and other child just shy of 40.

A friend of mine in her late 20s was going to have her tubes tied at 30. She changed her mind in her late 30s couldn't conceive and is now trying to adopt.

I'm not saying you will change your mind, but alot could happen - you could opt for some longer term birth control - I believe that some work for 6 months or more.

So, if you were asked when you were, let's say, 30....Would you have said "I don't want kids"? Or, would you have said, "Not now"?

See, that's the part I don't get.

I can understand saying, "I do want children, but not for a few years", but not going from "I don't want childen" to "I do want them".

Having and not having children to me are exact polar opposites. Either you do, or don't.

What can happen in a persons essence, their core, that would cause such a 180 degree turn? Having a child will change absolutely everything in your life, for the rest of your life. How does a person go about realizing they want every single thing in their life to change permanently, without ever having desired, nay, even had said it was undesireable for them to have kids?

To go from one to another makes me wonder if the person ever really knew themselves.

Now, I do believe, as Slappy does, that quite a few people just go ahead and have kids, since they felt in was a better way to secure a mate. I think that happens a lot.

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BTW, I really like the way the title of this thread was phrased...

ChildFREE and opposed to ChildLESS.

I think I'm going to use that word the next time someone asks me if I ever had children....

"No, I remained childfree"

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Quote:

What can happen in a persons essence, their core, that would cause such a 180 degree turn?

For me it was meeting a child I knew I could not live without.

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boomerang wrote:

Quote:
What can happen in a persons essence, their core, that would cause such a 180 degree turn?

For me it was meeting a child I knew I could not live without.

mmm hmmm....I know about mo....

I was thinking of what would make you want to HAVE a child. The whole pregnancy, birth, raising etc., when prior to that you did not.

And by "did not" I mean really did not.

For instance boom...once you had mo in your house, did you then want to give birth to or adopt an infant and do the whole baby thing?

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Everyone's different, Chai that how. You can't understand possibly because you haven't ever felt that way. Probably because you change and experience different things in life. This particular friend in her 20s and even early 30s was a very aggressive driven individual - she worked hard and was at a high level in her career as a result. She was making tons of money and working tons of hours. One day she realized that there was more to life than this high paced career and money. She now has her own business that requires her attention only part time, earned about half her previous salary. Moved out of her expensive apartment next to where her boat was docked and did what she loved - sailing and helping people. She got married and now wants children.

You may be right about to go from one to another makes you wonder if a person really knew themselves. I doubt I really completely knew myself at 20. And I probably don't know everything about myself now 24 years later. Life is ever evolving - you experience different things in life and change as a result.

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I never wanted kids.
I like kids. I enjoy talking to them.

Did I think about having kids, yes.
But it was only a passing fancy. When I really thought about it, no.

No one believed me when I was younger. Pissed me off.
Now no one says anything.

I now am with a man with a 16 year old daughter and an 18 year old son. I'd say that in the past 5 years, I've said "thank god I don't have kids", to myself, at least once a week. Sometimes more.
Aggggh, teenagers!

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caribou, that "thank god we don't have kids" is said weekly or more at my house too.....usually by my husband....and he's the one who HAS a daughter Laughing

She's 27 now. He thinks the world of her, she hung the moon, and all that. I would never think of making him choose between her and me.

However, Mr. Tea will freely admit if it had been up to him, he never would have had her, and would have been just as happy with life.

He never wanted children, but, he's smart enough to realize that where the rubber hits the road, if a woman wants a baby, well, she's gonna catch a baby.

Linkat, I was hoping to avoid the old "perhaps I can't understand others feeling that way because you never felt that way".....let's put that back in its' drawer.

What I'm asking/say/talking about has nothing to do with being capable or incapable of understanding something one has never desired. I would like to think I'm saying that for everyone that is tired of that "you don't understand because you never...." bit. At least I'm saying it for me.

What I'm wondering, whether I "understand" or not, is how others came to that realization....you gave your personal scenerio, it was interesting, and I believe what you say. Your friend, I'm not so sure. However, since she's not here to discuss, no sense bringing up my ideas on that.

I do have this horrible feeling that there are far more people who have children who in there hearts never wanted any, than there are people who wanted them, but never had them.

If only people who truly wanted children had them, I wonder what the rate of child abuse would be?

For many, it's "just what you do....you have kids", without thinking past the notion

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Chai wrote:

Linkat, I was hoping to avoid the old "perhaps I can't understand others feeling that way because you never felt that way".....let's put that back in its' drawer.

but isn't this what a lot of discussions, here and IRL, are about?

I know that there are many posters here that say things that I simply don't understand - their comments make absolutely no sense to me. I don't have their background, their life experiences ... I don't understand them.

For example, I really don't understand anything you write about your feelings about music (and sound generally). I've never felt that way, truly can't imagine it.

IRL, I know there are women that absolutely do not understand why I am looking forward to menopause. They say that they see it as a tragic time, the end of their child-bearing years. They can't imagine that it could be something to look forward to, to have blissful feelings about.

~~~

In regard to your question about how and why people's feelings change, that's pretty much life/growth/change/development, isn't it? We can try to understand others reactions/changes/developments, but I'm not sure we can always 'get it'.

It's good to try to learn (I think), but feelings aren't like math problems. They're more like history lessons - depends on whose perspective the book was written from.

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ehBeth wrote:

Chai wrote:
Linkat, I was hoping to avoid the old "perhaps I can't understand others feeling that way because you never felt that way".....let's put that back in its' drawer.

but isn't this what a lot of discussions, here and IRL, are about?

However ehbeth, the enevitable throwing out of the "perhaps you don't understand" ball doesn't do much more than quash conversation. As in....you don't understand so we really can't talk about it..there's no sense in talking about it, etc.

Obviously, it's a given that no one can "understand" things that another person experiences during life.

It's So obvious, I think it isn't worth bringing up. Again...and again...and again.

Discussion would be much more interesting if it was generally accepted that one may not understand something, but still finds hearing others experiences interesting.

I don't understand more than a grain about quantum physics, by the end of my life I may understand one grain more, or nothing more. But, I still love reading about it, understanding or not.

I didn't feel the purpose was to get anyone else to understand necessarily...for me it's being exposed to other ways.

BTW, menopause...whatever...I barely noticed physically when it came or went. It did however, open up a huge creative sector of my brain I didn't know existed. So that was cool.

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Chai wrote:

Linkat, I was hoping to avoid the old "perhaps I can't understand others feeling that way because you never felt that way".....let's put that back in its' drawer.

But that's my point - I did not feel the way she did ever, so I can't fully understand, however, I can appreciate that everyone is different and has seen this incredible change in her. Especially since she was such a driven individual in her career and so confident in her choices when she was younger. And then one day (not exactly one day - but more over time) the rat race got to her and she slowed down and started to appreciate different things - got more introspective in a sense.

Hey, I'm not her and I did change, but not such a big change as she did. I don't question her - just appreciate seeing how she grew up and appreciated things she never did before.

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Yeah, I do think that for some people, it's something like "oh, it's time for me to have a kid now". Much like they are suppose to get married and they are supposed to do this or that.

Some people never think and end up with kids.

Some people want a kid for selfish reasons. (Okay, the few flights of fancy I had about kids was definitely, "What would they look like?". Not a good enough reason to have'em.)

Some really want kids.

And some change their mind several times over the course of their lives.

All of those people can be bad parents or good parents.

It's people. People are all different.
Some know their own minds and some do not.

For me, kids were a lifelong commitment that I never wanted.
For my man, kids were something that happened (I have serious doubts that it was all thought through, especially considering the person he had them with.), and he loves them desperately. He'd never give them up.
I'm a ponderer. He's a seat of the pants kind of guy. I'm think of all the consequences type person. He's a live in the minute.
Neither one of us is wrong.

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Chai wrote:

See, that's the part I don't get.

I can understand saying, "I do want children, but not for a few years", but not going from "I don't want childen" to "I do want them".

Having and not having children to me are exact polar opposites. Either you do, or don't.

What can happen in a persons essence, their core, that would cause such a 180 degree turn? Having a child will change absolutely everything in your life, for the rest of your life. How does a person go about realizing they want every single thing in their life to change permanently, without ever having desired, nay, even had said it was undesireable for them to have kids?

To go from one to another makes me wonder if the person ever really knew themselves.

Now, I do believe, as Slappy does, that quite a few people just go ahead and have kids, since they felt in was a better way to secure a mate. I think that happens a lot.

I can give you an example -- it wasn't a change in me as much as it was a change in situations/relationships. There was no way in hell I was ever bringing a child into a marriage with an alcoholic husband who hated children. In that relationship I was very focused on my career and didn't mind not having children. In fact, I had an unusually strong aversion to pregnancy, labor and delivery.

15 years later I was established in my career, newly married to someone who loves kids, and possibly hearing biological clocks which pushed me towards facing my fears.

At 20 (even 30) I would have said happily childless but at 35 I was happily a parent.

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I was a professed celibate at 19.
That didn't work out for me.

Still, I wasn't thinking about having kids (or even marrying) when I
re-entered "the world" eight years later. Not that I had anything against
kids, I was just too busy screwing around. That can take up a lot of time
and energy.

But then I met the future Lovely Bride and started rethinking a lot of
things, parenthood among them. I think I just found someone to give
me a reason to get serious about my life.

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Quote:

For instance boom...once you had mo in your house, did you then want to give birth to or adopt an infant and do the whole baby thing?

No. Not at all. Not for me. But it did a bit for Mr. B.

I admit to curiosity about being pregnant and giving birth but it isn't anything I ever felt the need to do.

I never felt that adopting a kid was something I needed to do or that I would ever be compelled to do or that I would even consider doing.

I always said I didn't want kids. People quit telling me I'd change my mind when I hit about 35 years old and was still happily child-free.

But no. I've never been tempted to jump on the have a baby wagon. Sometimes I do think about being a foster parent though.....

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I, on the other hand, always wanted to have children, and I was devastated when I could not have any. Luckily there was adoption available for me,
and I am glad that I took this route as opposed to remain childless.

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It seems that I am in the same boat as a lot of other people in the fact that I am undecided. I am the oldest girl (28) in my extended family and I had a lot of younger cousins that I had to baby sit. I swore to every god I knew of that I would NEVER be saddled with one of these bratty beings..

As I grew older and got away from my dysfunctional spoiled cousins, I felt a bit better. Not a lot, but a little bit. I almost got married to a man who wanted 6 kids and who actually made me promise that I would have the first one by the time I was 25 ( I was 19 at the time). It was the thought of having kids and being stuck with him as a part of my life forever that firmly pushed me back into the "hell no" decision on kids.

I woke up and dropped that whole part of my life and I am now married to a man I love very much and now I find myself wondering again.
I know if my parents had their way they would be knee deep in grandkids by now, but I vacillate almost daily. I have given myself until I am 30 years old to make a decision.

My husband is in the same boat I am. We both think it would be great to raise children and pass along a part of ourselves and everything else that goes along with parenthood, but we are not sure that this world is going in a direction where we would feel right to bring a child into it.
Also, we have gotten a bit used to life as DINKS and not sure if we want to give it up.

Like I said, a day to day changing of the mind.

I do know that I won't just have one until I am absolutely positive it is right for me.

I do keep hoping that my brother will have one so that my parents will get off my back about it.

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