Unsure if I'm being cheated on. The signs are there but...

Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 09:15 pm
I bet my username is a little misleading but I'm not the cheater. At least not anymore, but let me explain. I have not cheated on my husband but I have cheated in two other relationships in the past during my teen years. I have admitted it to both people but I'll get back to that a little later on.

I will try to make this as short as possible (since I am a rambler) without leaving any important details out. My husband and I have only been married for a few months but we have been together for a few years and have a young son together and another on the way. We are both young (mid twenties) with children from previous relationships/marriages. We met online and hit it off, eventually had a few dates then he asked me to be in a relationship with him. Everything was magical for the first 3/4 months of our relationship then he started to exhibit serious jealousy. Granted, my ex (child's father) came to town to visit his daughter and my husband travels for work so he developed some paranoia but I assured him that nothing would ever happen between my ex and myself, I answered his calls, video chatted him and answered any questions no matter how annoying. Ever since then (almost 3 years ago) I was constantly accused of sleeping with someone. I mean on a daily basis multiple times a day no exaggeration. Sometimes he would go a day or two without accusations and expect to be applauded for it. I am accused of sleeping with his friends, coworkers, etc and also just staring at people which all caused arguments. I've reassured and defended my case time and time again doing course I'm exhausted from it. So now after my initial I'm not cheating on you I get frustrated and it turns argumentative. Now the kicker is when I ask a question for reassurance (something I rarely ever did because I not only trusted him, but am very secure with myself) I don't get it. He either ignores me or won't give me eye contact and tries to flip it most of the time because he says going by my logic the accuser may be the guilty. The nerve of him especially since i've dealt with this for so damn long.

His accusations coupled with other red flags has now made me paranoid although I try to convince myself that I am in fact being paranoid so most of the time I say nothing until it builds up.
**Some background info which makes things even more confusing for me:

- he claims his ex cheated on him but he couldn't prove it during the relationship but is certain that afterwards he had his "proof"

-he says his mom cheated and left his father

-his ex doesn't allow him to speak to their child (I can vouch for this)

-I've found a size large hoodie in our back laundry room that he tried to convince me was my nephews. The only problem is the hoodie is slightly smaller than his hoodies which are sized medium... And my sister confirmed that it is not his. He asked all of his friends which they denied owning the hoodie then magically two weeks later one friend claimed it. Apparently he bought it while they were out on the road and forgot about it. Only problem is the hoodie appeared worn and had a broken zipper. First I was told it was picked up at a Walmart then it changed to a goodwill. Not sure if goodwill sells damaged items so I really can't say much about it.

-I've found an eyelash strip on my porch. Granted it could have been picked up and dropped off by a shoe without noticing. My sisters also were around so I asked them and they both said that they weren't missing one.

- he's come home from being gone for days for work with a longgg hair wrapped around his junk. Being that he travels I would assume that he would notice the hair at a rest stop. He claims that it was mine (I occasionally wear extensions) but hadn't for some time before that. Granted sometimes it does get in the laundry but I mean it was wrapped around it a few times. How can one not feel that all day?

-I believe he has gaslighting tendencies. I have caught him making up stories (even involving my child) to catch me in stuff that doesn't exist. He's claim to find some type of oil that wouldn't work for my truck, in the hood of my truck. I honestly didn't even know how to open the hood prior to that.

- came home from travel one day smelling like a different cologne. He says he tried to buy it from a rest stop vending machine but it sprayed him instead of distributing a packet.

-has asked me why I trust him so much when asked why he can't trust me.

-very vocal about his dislike of cheaters. He would bring it up often, mentioning how hurt he would be if I cheated etc.

Now more recently he went through a depression of sorts. We had a lot going on at home (necessary household items breaking which cost a lot of money, still unable to speak to his child) so he would avoid me.. Would hangout in a different part of the house than the kids and me. Barely spoke just looked to be in deep thought. Didn't initiate sex and even turned his back and went to sleep earlier but would leave more than usual to hang with his friends. It went on for about two weeks and during that time I let him know how neglected I felt. He didn't want to hear it and nothing changed and then it did. Sex life is still a little lacky but I'm also pregnant.
He blamed it on not speaking to his son just like he blames his accusations on that reason. Could he be spacing out and reliving his past relationship?

We've actually been on decent terms the last week or two so I'm not sure why in even here. I can't shake the feeling now that I've been oblivious. Or could his run ins with women shaped his outlook on trust? He also says other women he's dealt with have done some shady stuff and he stopped dealing with them for those reasons.
He gives me access till his phone but I don't really check it although he's always over my shoulder when I get a text or call. I believe that I should give the same respect that I expect. I'm very private with nothing to hide. I know he's emotionally abusive in a sense and I've suggested counselling. He has separated me from friends and family to the point where I really have no interest outside of my kids and him. Started arguments if I went anywhere without him but lately he wants me to go do things because now he wants to do things more often. He was always under me and now he's more distant.

Also before anyone asks why I married him anyway, I honestly believed that the more I fought for us and proved my dedication then it could open his eyes to my devotion. He hasn't made MANY accusations in the last few weeks but they slowed down around the time of his "depression". Not sure if he got the message or something else is up.
Could all of this be really bad karma for the mistakes I've made as a teen? (told you that there would be more on it). Thinking back on how I acted when I was up to no good it kind of relates but not as extreme. I would occasionally accuse even though I knew that my ex wouldnt do that to me until they finally had enough and actually did. Or is he just that damn crazy?
Although he leaves a little more than usual he still at home often enough for me to feel he couldn't be cheating. When would he have the time? Could it before he hits the road or on the way home? Are some of his hangouts with friends lies? Why does he calculate the time that i am gone but expects me to be okay with his absences when they do occur?
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Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 09:24 pm
LonelyWife2point0 wrote:
I know he's emotionally abusive in a sense and I've suggested counselling.

He has separated me from friends and family

so so so many red flags of a potentially dangerous situation


get counselling for yourself asap

get yourself involved with YOUR friends and family again - do not delay on this

it seems he needs counselling as well

perhaps couples counselling but focus on yourself and your children

and please, no more children until you get yourself and your current children into a stable situation

I understand that you are currently pregnant but make sure there are no more children until you are in a much better place emotionally and have a much stronger sense of self-esteem.
Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 09:35 pm
Thank you for your honest opinion. This current baby was unplanned for me but knowing how old fashion he is, he prefers that I would be a pregnant stay at home mom for life. I don't have many family and friends where we live being that I moved to the state I currently live in a few years ago. I've built my life in the last state being much younger and outgoing. I don't really know how to make friends being so shy.
Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 09:39 pm
You are going to have to take control of your life and your own birth control.

Get counselling. Talk to a local minister if that is the only option. Reach out to counselling services in your local community.

Focus on bringing your education up to the best standard you can with the time you have available. Study at home.

Join local parenting / mom groups. If any of your children are in school, volunteer at the schools.

Get out of the house as much as you can.

Get counselling support.
Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 09:55 pm
Forgot to mention that around Christmas time I found a pair of jeans from goodwill that he claims that a friend of his purchased and left in his truck while on the road. The moment I seen the jeans I knew that they were women's jeans so I couldn't understand how neither of them noticed. The jeans were sized as his jean size but skinny jeans. Looking at the cut of the hips its apparent that they were women's jeans. I'm a very petite person and they looked to be about my size pre pregnancy. His friend is small but definitely not my size but he does prefer skinny jeans. Could have been an honest mistake, I guess. Now I don't shop at goodwill not bashing anyone who does but my husband does like their deals. His usual style is jeans and a t shirt. Everyday. A few months ago he's been picking up sweaters. Could be nothing.

He objects to certain places to go to eat or hangout, even if it's of my chosing but we frequent certain places because he really likes the food etc.

He often says that in not attracted to him or don't love him which is the furthest from the truth.
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Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 09:57 pm
I work and go to school of course he was against it but I couldn't take being in the house 24/7
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Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 10:19 pm
Sorry but I keep remembering little details... About 6 months ago maybe a little more, he asked to see my phone so I gave it to him and asked for his. I went to his browser which happened to have no search history. I asked why and he admitted it was because he occasionally watched porn and it would be a hassel to delete each site after it was watched. Now he knows I don't watch porn nor am I a fan of it. Makes me feel uncomfortable and I kind of view it as cheating but it was a secret that he held on to since the beginning of our relationship. I would rather him watch it than cheat but the story changed. First it was he only watched videos where the girl is similar to me (creepy enough) to he watches various types of girls. Okay cool not all that serious but the fact that he told me that he watched it since before we got together until I found out but then tried to say that he only watched it when he wasn't getting enough although there was a point in time when he claimed to get it too much.
With that being said he was sure I would cheat because I needed it too much and now it's I'm not getting it enough so I'll cheat. Now he expects me to believe that he doesn't watch it all even when he's gone. Either way he hid it because he didn't want to be found out. There were even times that I jokingly asked if he still watched porn because I knew about him watching it before me and he denied it
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Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 10:32 pm
Very often, a spouse so paranoid and accusatory about cheating is, in fact, cheating themselves. Is that what you suspect?

You are finding women's clothes around. What does that tell you?

You believe his crap, mainly because you doubt yourself and your own judgments. Go to counseling and get some help with all this. .
Reply Wed 7 Feb, 2018 11:15 pm
Thank you for your response. I intend of going to counseling because I'm at the point where I feel that I need it for my mental health. I didn't exactly suspect that he was cheating because I figured someone so against it couldn't possibly do it themselves. Well for the last few months I can't shake the feeling but I try not to accuse because I know how annoying it can be. As far as the women's clothing I can't exactly say that the hoodie is in fact a woman. It's just a plain worn out black hoodie. Similar to his just the sizing would mean it's either a child's or is women's because it's similar in size to his medium sized hoodies. As far as the jeans go it could have been an honest mistake. Maybe the jeans were put on the wrong rack and the male friend assumed they would fit being that they were in his size. It's just when all of this is put into perspective as a unit it makes me question it. Separately not so much.
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Reply Fri 9 Feb, 2018 12:39 pm
Your intuition is probably right. Cheaters accuse their partner of cheating because they judge you by their actions. It also distracts you from their cheating. Perhaps they think that by accusing you it shows you that they care for you? In a weird kind of way. All the other things, the skinny womens' jeans, of course that wasn't a mistake in purchase. You're making excuses for him. They belong to some woman he has been or is involved with. You need to confront him with what you know. Take legal advice on Divorce and decide, that if he has cheated whether you want to stay with him or not. You deserve better than this. He's giving you a rubbish life. I'm sure there's someone out there that would give you a better life. You can't fail really.
Reply Sat 10 Feb, 2018 01:21 pm
My problem is I cant exactly figure out if im becoming paranoid because his insecurities/paranoia has gotten me to this point for enduring it for so long or if that's even possible since I have never allowed that to happen to me with past accusations. Could it be a mental illness and could it have severe effects like these? He requires a lot of validation and fishes for compliments by saying things like "you don't love me or why aren't you attracted to your husband anymore " but mostly doesn't like to give reassurance. He may claim to be annoyed of it and remain quiet or put his head down in his lap and ignore me without giving a response. I rarely ever ask because I know it can be annoying but how can he feel he doesn't need to answer my question when I could have just literally just answered many of his? That's when I became suspicious. I never noticed it before because I never really questioned him even when I was questioned. For the most part I can't find anything questionable without feeling like his explanations may be true despite my suspicions as he is home for the most part I guess, good dad, loving spouse (again for the most part, etc). I've been noticing things and wondering about things that Ive brushed off in the past due to blindly trusting. For instance the various items, in my mind what if those things really were just honest mistakes? They weren't exactly hidden but not out in the open either. I would hate to be the same person that I plead for him not to be especially unwarranted.
There are so many details that would probably shed better light on various aspects of the situation but I don't want to bore anyone.
Reply Sat 10 Feb, 2018 02:43 pm
Time to start reading about gaslighting: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting-in-relationships
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