We married and he changed...help!?

Wow sounds bad you two should get help. IMO the age difference is not a good thing. I dated a man 20 years older then me and he did alot of the same things to me, needles to say we are no longer together.

Please don't think this rude, but I'm not sure what your question is. You said help, but I don't know what kind of help you are looking for. Do you want help in making him go back to the way he was before? I don't think that's going to happen. Do you want opinions on what you should do? If it were me I would give serious consideration to leaving. Do you want someone to commiserate with - you have my heartfelt sympathies. I think your situation stinks but I don't think it's going to change back to what it was.

((((HUGS)))) if you want them.

It sounds to me like he was putting a lot of effort into sealing the deal -- and considered the deal sealed once he got you to say "I do."

On the one hand, it's true that it's not realistic to expect all the little gestures of dating to carry over into marriage. On the other, it sounds like he was extremely unrealistic when it came to the animals -- never liked them, pretended to, and thought he'd somehow be able to change the situation when you got married.

OR, he could have just been self-deluding/ naive when it came to what it would be like to live with the animals as opposed to just occasionally visiting them. Sometimes things that you have the power to escape are not nearly as troublesome as things that you are absolutely stuck with, no matter what.

Along those lines, you could perhaps set up a no-cat zone for him -- his own office or something -- but I don't know if that would address the core issues.

Counseling definitely seems in order -- premarital is nice but you need to deal with the substantial issues you have now.

I wouldn't expect many changes from someone that old, nor changes that fast from anyone. He has been deliberately dishonest with you.

Like soz says, he thinks he's got a done deal, so I'll ask just how much you have invested in this deal.

false pretenses
Your hubby tricked you into marriage. A marriage is a contract between two people wherein consent is essential. He obtained your consent under false pretenses. He pretended to be someone he wasn't. He's an amazingly good actor -- but he was doing just that -- putting on an act. In contract terms, you did not get the benefit of the bargain.

The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. He's an imaginary character -- an actor in a courtship scene. He may have tricked you into saying, "I do," but the Play ain't over. In your shoes -- for Act II, Scene 1 -- I would pack up (cats and all) and leave the lying, deceitful a$$.

Yep I agree with the others. Debra said what I was going to say, pretty much word for word. This happened to me with the father of my son and it was just a big huge con job.

I've been there and I know how much it hurts to lose a man that didn't even exist. I would simply leave him. He's not who he pretended to be and what you see now is what you get.

(((HUGS)))

Zelanicat, this is so sad! To accuse you of loving your pets more than him is just bizarre. His other behaviors are also way over the edge, so it sounds like he has some Serious problems.

I have to agree with previous posters that the man you fell in love with simply does not exist.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to think about yourself for a change. Think about what you want for your future, about how you could make yourself happy. Husband or not, being happy yourself is one goal really worth pursuing.

Hugs to you, and to your cats & horse too!

Hello and thanks to all who posted. I would have responded sooner, but I couldn't log on from my home puter? oh well...

I intended to respond to this question first, though I have a dreadfully bad feeling I know the answer (based on everyone's comments)



The help I am looking for is how to have the relationship I had with Rob before we were married.

Admittedly, the fact that he deceived me is hard to swallow emotionally, even though I can see the truth before me. That the real Rob would do such a thing...and why?



A good, male friend of mine has suggested that Rob was so caught up in the "chase," that all his attention was diverted there, rather than in the reality of what his living situation would be like. In keeping as open a mind as possible, this scenario could very well be what happened. We were both caught up in whether my family and friends would accept him due to the age difference, whether our careers would be affected, etc. Even though we attended pre-marital counseling where issues like my cats and horse were covered, he might not have been able to fully participate until he was actually IN the situation as he is now. He is adamant when he tells me that he had no idea...but then again, he did spend the weekends with me, and he did cook there, and, well...it's a theory.

(oh, and the only no-cat zone is our bedroom, which is actually okay with me because 5 cats on the bed was nuts!!!)

I don't want to divorce and will do what I can within reason to avoid that.




Pickandstick,
Would you mind sharing some of your experiences?



That's precisely how I feel and what I've conveyed to him. It's either put up or shut up time for me: something must change because I can't live like this and I won't become a bitter, married woman.



Montana, ouch. Would you mind sharing a bit more detail? How did you know when it was time to call it quits?



*sigh* This is the part that I've been neglecting by sticking my head in the sand through various distractions: drinking, playing with my horse, spending too much time on the net (At work, during the day and occasionally at home, I frequent a few forums very religiously, and forced myself to a "read only" status until I get my head on straight). I have to figure out what I want and where I want to go. Easier said than done.

The man I am refering to is the father of my son. We never married, but ended up living together for 5 years. Before we moved in together, my ex was so loving and kind, but then about 6 months into my pregnancy, which is a few months after we moved in together that sweet loving guy did an about face and was slowly turning into a monster. He wanted to control me as if I was his property. He stopped taking me out to dinner, the movies, etc... It wasn't long before the verbal abuse started and by the time I was 8 months pregnant, the abuse became physical. God only knows why I stayed with him for as long as I did after that, but it only got worse over time.
I still think about how shocking it was to watch this man transform from being one person one month to a completely opposite person the next. He conned me until he had me hook line and sinker and then he let his true self come to life.
What a nightmare that was!

Re: We married and he changed...help!?


Nobody else has mentioned this, but this pattern, of being fantastically charming before marriage and very moody & critical afterwards, is typical of an abuser. He's never been violent towards you or pets or objects, has he? He may be a verbal abuser instead, which is almost as bad. Sounds like you can no longer do anything right.

Where's Brooke? I just had to bring this up. Tell us more, Zelanicat. I for one need some assurance that you're really OK.

His behavior has probably stripped you of your normal self-esteem. I'd focus on trying to bring that back for yourself....it'll help you regardless of what happens with your marriage.

I like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Rational Emotive Therapy....you might check your local library for these books, since they can start helping right away. And definitely keep your counselor appointment. If you're going with him, perhaps consider making another appt. just for yourself.

Another suggestion is to Force Yourself to do the things you suspect will make you feel better. Definitely see your horse, and snuggle your kitties a lot. Exercise helps, as does learning new things, calling an old friend, meeting new people, and doing crafts (we have 2 threads going in the General section; just reading about crafts can be fun, get your mind off things.)

You don't have to do Big, Difficult things, just start small with anything you think might help. Build up your inner happiness a little bit at a time. We're all responsible for that, married or not.

My heart goes out to you, Zelanicat. Please keep in touch & let us know how things are going, OK?

Edited because I said the same darn thing as Boriskitten....sorry for wasting valuable post space :wink:

You aren't the first one to ask me this, and it worries me. However, he has never been violent towards me or my pets. If anyone has been violent in this relationship, it's been me, because I'd get so mad at him that I'd slam doors or hurl minor objects at the front door (good target that can take the *bonk*). That behavior ended immediately about 6 months ago for 2 reasons: 1, I realized that it helped nothing and only made matters worse, and 2, he decided to "act like me" one night...and I had a tast of my behaviors. He picked up a chair and slammed it onto the floor, semi-breaking it. Scared me, yes, but I knew he wasn't going after me with it. In fact, my smart-arsed self told him that had I done that, I'd have broken the chair. Not exactly mature, I know... Still, it was a reality check for me because I saw myself in his actions. So I can proudly say that my temper is under control--but that was through active work and teaching myself "behavior modification" so I still feel the anger; I just don't let it govern my behavior.

I realized something I should add regarding my pets. He loves the dogs and practically spoils them. He's been nothing but kind to my horse when he was around her (his nickname was "Carrot Man"), but as for the cats...well, my mother says he did abuse them, but we have never seen him do it. In his weak efforts to show the cats that he's not a monster, they are coming around to him, which tells me that they were never physically abused to begin with?

You said that I can no longer do anything right. Yes. Absolutely. Pretty much the way I decide what I'm going to do now is by figuring out how he's going to react. For example, after work today I'm going to ride my horse. I know that's okay because he's gotten used to my coming home late. However, I also want to walk the dog when I get home...which means that I'll need to get home earlier to walk the dog so he doesn't start moping about my not being there. I hate that; I really, really do. Part of marriage is compromise--I willingly accepted that--but to make decisions based on how moody my husband is going to become is, well, blackmail. I don't know how to change that or if I even can...

As for verbal abuse toward me, no. He's never called me names...but then again, I may not understand the meaning of "verbal abuse". He's accused me of infidelity with my best friend's husband, which really hurt me. (We were at a party and I went outside with friend's hubby and another woman to get something...can't remember, but they fell over drunk, and I was laughing so hard at them that I fell over, too, so we all lay there, star-gazing for a few minutes...quite funny, actually, but Rob didn't like how we were laying in the grass.) What a way to misinterpret a situation. That took a long time to sort out, and he eventually apologized, but it's left an ugly taste in my mouth. There have been a gazillion other situations where he has misinterpreted them due to his own insecurity... (Is that verbal abuse?)

I realize that I am painting nothing but a terrible picture of him, and that's not very fair. I'll cite some instances that demonstrate the man he used to be and the man he is about half the time now: he took the day off from work to take care of me when I had an inflammed rib and a cold and could barely breathe (I was terrified that I'd stop breathing!). I also know that he'd drop anything to be with me/help me at any time. He does immense yard work and cooks for us every night. On weekends, we'll take off on little day trips with a picnic, and they are such good times. He made a screen for the garage door so the cats can look outside when they're in the garage. He brings me things I forget when I'm in the shower. He (usually) listens to me about problems and helps me find solutions. He supports my writing and encourages me to keep on trying to get published. He actually admitted the other day that some of the stupid things he does could be because of his insecurity. (it's a start). And no matter how rotten the night's gotten, I know he'll never walk out.



Montana, I hope to God that this situation does not become my own. And yes, it is shocking...and painful. The fact that the drastic changes happeneed immediately after the wedding is very, very disturbing to me. I am sorry you went through that garbage with your ex. Obviously, though, you've learned from it. Thanks for sharing.



Well, I'm re-instituting my daily walks; they used to be part of my daily routine, but that abruptly changed once I was married. Not that I blame Rob...that was a minor change that just happened. What I am afraid of is this: I deluded myself for a year; if I get "lost" in something I enjoy again, then I know I might just delude myself again. And thanks, BorisKitten. I appreciate the insight and support (from all of you).

I don't think you can do it Zelanicat. The Rob you had the great relationship with never existed. Anyway, that's my opinion.

"the stupid things he does could be because of his insecurity. (it's a start). "

That's exactly what it sounds like. You know you said the age thing was not an issue, maybe not to you, but perhaps this could be part of HIS problems, maybe he does not "feel" like doing these things (Walks, going to see the Horses) as often as you do and feels PRESSURED. Men can be funny about what THEY think affects their masculinity.

Offer a little reassurance and see if your situation improves, if not the other posts may contain merit.

I am not so sure he acted in the beginning of the relationship; I think he was genuinely attracted, and you were someone he wanted to have. And wanting to have is a slim line away from wanting to possess.

I don't think that even in close marriages one possesses the other person.

Sometimes when people get what they want, a kind of instant devaluation may happen, that is also not planned on, as in preconceived, but happens to the person. Or the opposite, maybe fear of loss heightens.

So, I don't put an 'entirely manipulated by him on purpose' cast to the situation, but I do think it's a woeful development that you describe, especially the part about modifying what you'd naturally do so as to avoid moods by him at his loss of control of your time, or loss of control of what he sees should be your mutual way of life... tidy, and controlled, controlled.

I agree this could turn abusive, and I don't usually see abuse around ever corner.

I see fear underlying some of this change, fright as exemplified by the outright jealousy of the cats, and then a need to control things in response to that fright.

I really hate to say this but RUN! I married somebody exactly like this. You fall in love with a false mask or an ideal that he has given you. Now that you are married, he can be himself. I tried living 10 years with somebody like this and tried counseling. It just got worse.

He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive.

Save yourself!

Oh, and I wonder what the ex would have to say.

Re: We married and he changed...help!?


Boris.....You are correct in wondering if he has ever been abusive to her.

Zelanicat.....your husband most definitely exibits signs that he could become capable of abuse. One thing an abuser does many times is an about face once they figure "ownership" has come into play. Meaning....marriage or living together. And it does seem to happen almost instantly.



There is always a fear inside an abusers mind that someone or something will become forefront in the relationship. During a time when he is trying to gain power over his victim....it can become quite bizarre, the things he will find as his competition. It can be something simple like a newspaper or the tv. ANYTHING at all that distracts his victim.



Sex.......becomes an obsession with an abuser. Many times they will want it constantly... morning, noon, and night....day after day. And it is never enough. Abusers love having power over their victims and sex is one way that they feel in control. (And NO not everyone that loves sex to this degree is a possible abuser. Sex can be fun and enjoyable and not in of itself a sign of possible abuse in the making. BUT one is loving...the other is not so loving.)



Again........a common occurrence.

Also........abuse can take time to completely unfold. You will soon be married a year. I have seen cases where it has taken even longer for the first fist to plunge into the victim.

He exibits enough signs that you should at least be prepared. By God's grace you will not have to suffer that first blow. But, don't be surprised if you do.

It never hurts to educate yourself ....just in case.

Regardless.......... your home is not a happy home. And love is not supposed to be that way. And YOU deserve to be happy.

((((Zelanicat)))))

Zelanicat, I was very glad to hear more about your situation. The cat thing bothers me. Cats, I think, are more like dogs than like people, in that they are forgiving. So DH may have abused them once, and they'll be nice to him later anyway. They just take more time than dogs to forgive (in my opinion).

I think the word "abuser" is scary and brings up all kinds of negative images that are frightening to apply to a spouse. It doesn't really matter what we call him, it's what he does that's important. I'm really glad Brooke has checked in here, since she knows a great deal about it.

A verbal abuser will want to control your life, even in tiny ways. That's a key to whether he's an abuser or just insecure: An abuser will try to control you, to have everything his way or make you face "punishment." He may feel threatened by your friends, your pets, your job, your hobbies, anything you could possibly care about "more than him." The fact is, we all need these other things, and it is not a spouse's place to prevent you from having them.

Even if he is just insecure, he's going to have to learn new ways to deal with things if you're ever going to be happy with him. So the counseling is a must-have, and I'm glad you're going ahead with it.

Very glad to hear you're going back to daily walks. I think you will have to be steadfast in doing what's good for you. If he loves you in a healthy way, he'll support you in these things because he'll want you to be happy. An abuser doesn't care whether you're happy as long as you do what he wants.

Please note, an abuser can feel he loves you madly. Not all love is good love. There's no doubt in my mind that he loves you. The question is whether that love is a good thing in your life.

Would he be willing to go through a book with you? A good one is "Fighting for Your Marriage," by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg. This will give you something positive to do while you wait for your appointment, and just addressing these problems seriously may help a lot. A book like this, and his reactions to it, can help you decide whether your relationship is ultimately do-able.

I'm afraid only time will tell, and Brooke is right that it could be years before he becomes physically violent. In the meantime, think about YOURSELF, and what YOU need to be happy. This will serve you well in either case.

Keep checking in with us, OK? And chin up....I think you're doing the right things!