We married and he changed...help!?

You go to counseling and do what you need to do to get emotionally healthy. Going to Texas and putting on an act for the benefit of others won't help your situation.

He's the pretender. He pretended to be something he wasn't when he was courting you. Now he wants you to join him in the act. Don't do it.

He drilled me last night to find out if I was going with him or not. I said no, that we were not a healthy/happy couple, that I was not going to put on a facade, and that I needed time away from him. He blew up. He ranted about how his father is dying and that I'll never have the chance to meet him if I don't go. That much is true, and it hurts to know that I will disappoint his parents (whom I have never met).

The counseling session is tomorrow, thank God, and I have very high hopes.

We are now on day 3 of his "act" of trying to make friends with the cats. He even asked to go to the barn with me today, just for a little while. I suspect that this act will last as long as he needs to impress the counselor, and you'd better believe me when I say that I will make it very clear that my husband is the king of pretenders so the counselor won't get snowed the way our Pastor who married us did.

Again, thanks for all your advice, support, and insights. They are very, very appreciated!

Zelnicat, Recently, your husband refused to go to a counselor with you--and now, apparently, he is going. It's a safe bet that he will try to snow the counselor, because manipulation is your husband's strongest suit. So, please, be prepared well for this eventuality. Also, keep in mind that the focus of most marriage counselors is saving the marriage, usually by fostering some sort of give-and-take between the husband and wife. You can save a lot of needless wordplay--at which your husband is no doubt expert--by cutting directly to the chase. When you arrive at the counselor's, why not tell him/her right off that you cannot live with this man, that he is duplicitous, that you feel you were tricked into marrying him, that want to save yourself, that you are hurting, and that you see no good reason to have anything more to do with him? With this kind of start, you may be able to pre-empt the kind of word-games in which your husband seems to excel--and, instead, get down to the nitty-gritty.

When I am going to talk with a professional, whether it's a physician, a counselor, or even someone who is going to do work on our house, I write down (and take with me) the questions I want to ask and the points I want to bring up. I also take a pen, so that I can write down the replies and results. Good professionals appreciate this approach--it saves them lots of time. If you are polite--and you certainly sound very polite--no one will mind your writing things down. And knowing exactly what was said is a huge plus when you are trying to bring an issue into focus and/or make an important decision. Having a list with you is also highly beneficial when a person who has a habit of negotiationg in bad faith is part of a conversation. When I have the misfortune of having to deal with such people, I tell them right up front that we are not negotiating anything; we are merely fact-finding prior to my decision.

Hang tough, Zelnicat! You are a kind and thoughtful person, but you must be careful your kindness is not exploited. This is the time to express your true feelings about how you've been treated and ask why you should put up with any more hurtful play-acting. You can do it! You are perceptive and smart!

This might be a rather long post. The first part is what I wrote upon returning from the counseling appt. The second is what happened later in the night. Know that I am emotionally beaten up and cannot take this rle coaster ride anymore.

Well
We just returned from counseling and I do believe that I am in a state of shock.  (forgive the no commas but the key is not working)  I said everything I wanted to and Rob actually contributed as well.  I also made it clear that he can snow over anyone...not that it really mattered because real Rob showed himself.  I am pretty convinced that the psychologist wanted to punch him at one point and he (shrink) about choked when I suggested a second session.

The most heated part of the entire session was when the shrink was trying to show Rob that two people can hold two different things as important and though they may not be "equal" according to each other they are still valid truths to each partner.  Rob could not fathom how being friendly to my cats was anywhere near as important as my going to see his dying father.  The doctor kept saying that it was a matter of what was important to the individual and that the individual needed to respect what was important to his/her partner regardless of agreeing with it or not.  That was a very scary point in the session actually because both of them were raising their voices at each other and the shrink actually slammed his notebook on the floor when he said "You are not listening!" 

I think that Rob's exposure to a male psychologist who actually agreed with me was a real kick in the arse for him.  Further Rob knows that this counselor did not know me and therefore could not be biased...except by good logic that is.  

So here's the bottom line: the shrink got the message across clearly to me that by refusing to go to Texas I would be hurting our relationship because if I have any hope in saving our marriage I have to trust Rob when he says that he will befriend the cats and support me in my horse showing endeavours.  He said that I have to stop living in the past because all I have to deal with is the present.  In the long run should Rob not follow through then that would be the ultimate deal-breaker...but if I want to give us a chance then I should respect just how important the trip is to him and go with a willing attitude.  So I am going.

Time will tell if Rob means what he says about the cats.  He reiterated again and again that he had been deliberately hurtful to me by bringing up divorce and that he never should have done it bla bla bla.  He insists he doesn't want a divorce and that he's been a jerk in regards about how he treats the cats/me.  Words are merely words...time will tell if he means it.  So I am giving him another month.  If he means what he says he'll still be working with the cats/following through on his agreements still at that point. 

THEN and only then will I feel 100% that divorce is the right option. 
Please tell me your insights/ask questions etc.  You all have been very very helpful. 

I think the hardest part of this will be explaining why I am going to Texas to my good friend who has been my companion and confidant through all of this.  He sees Rob as a no-good lying schmo and I don't blame him at all.  I still don't trust Rob...but the point is that I have to tell my friend and I am afraid he will see me as weak.  In my heart I feel I am doing the right thing--for two reasons: because there is some hope for our marriage and because that's the only way I'll feel 100% about following through with a divorce.  Perhaps if I explain it to him that way.  One thing I love about my friend is that he's asked me only to be myself with him.  He is one of few that I consider a true friend.  In the long run he'll be okay.  (I think what you just read was my writing/thinking together...heh)

And now to what happened later in the evening:
He walked out of the bedroom to see me on the phone. As I was talking about the counseling appt. (I thought Rob was in the shower), I asked to call my BROTHER back. Rob thought I was talking to "Ed" my friend at the barn. No. Though I did tell him that it was Scot and I was telling him how the counseling went. Rob freaked and asked how many people know. I told him my brother, my aunt, and Ed. He really freaked and grew very angry, to which I responded with anger. How could he possibly be angry with me for reaching out the day I thought our marriage was over? If he was so apologetic about deliberately hurting me, then he should have understood...at least in my book. But no, appearances are all important to Rob, not the real deal.

I am fairly certain I fell apart last night. First I threw pillows at the windows, then I threw all the items in my bathroom drawer on the floor, and then I went outside where I couldn't even think. Rob came in and we screamed at each other. I started packing to leave, but then he left. I called Ed and then my aunt. I was so very emotionally wacked that I told her I'd rather die than endure anymore...and that turned into her telling me that unless I get somewhere safe then she was calling an ambulance. At first I called Ed, but he pointed out that my coming over there may make things worse, which is true. Somehow I got back on the phone with my aunt--Rob was in ultimate freak out mode at this point and very upset because his son left (he kept saying how his son didn't deserve this...), and I just passed the phone to Rob. I am fairly certain that she tried talking to him and then blasted him. Part of me celebrated and the other part cried. When I talked to her again, I assured her that I was not going to do anything foolish, that I was just in a lot of pain and want out of that pain...but not by taking my life.

Since I have sedatives for my anxiety, I took a couple extra and lay down. Rob came over and rubbed my back. When I tried to hold his hand--I have no idea why I tried that--he pulled it away. Then he rolled over and cried about his son. At some blessed point, the sedatives kicked in and I fell asleep.

Sidenote: when I was initially typing my post about the counseling, Rob thought I was communicating with Ed! Not only was he wrong about that, but I was also checking my students' work on the net!

And so here I am now: I want the turmoil to stop. If I divorce, I will feel horridly guilty...did I give this marriage a chance? If I stay and go on the trip, will I be hurting myself even more?

I'm calling my personal psychiatrist in the hopes he will see me today. Until then, insights/suggestions...

First and foremost, you need friends and family. It's okay to share your thoughts and feelings with them. They love you; they care about your welfare; and they are there to support you. But it does reach a point where your friends and family want you to achieve a resolution to the things that are causing you unhappiness.

I have a close friend who often vents about her husband and her problems. I've heard the same sorrowful complaints for many, many years. I still listen; I'm still there for her; but I don't feel the sympathy for her tears that I once had because she never does anything to help herself. I don't view her as weak. I just understand that sometimes she needs to vent (even if she is venting about the same things over and over again), and once she has vented -- she feels better.

And, I guess that is what you need to decide. Your husband is who he is. He's not romantic, loving, or affectionate. Soon after you married him, he changed. He stopped doing and saying all the important little things that caused you to fall in love with him. Because he's not making those daily deposits into the love bank, his account is dwindling and you're no longer in love with him.

He is most concerned with appearances. Therefore, he will do and say things to make himself LOOK GOOD to others . . . just like he made himself appear like Mr. Wonderful during the courtship. He wants you to go to Texas with him and act like you have a wonderful marriage to impress his dying father. He doesn't want you telling your friends and family that you're unhappy. He expects you to keep up appearances the same way that he keeps up appearances.

Your husband wants his son to live in a home that appears happy. Now that his son has seen the reality -- that your marriage is not what it seemed -- your husband is upset. The facade that he wore, the one he wanted his son to see, has been cracked.

But the question is simple. Now that you have broken through this man's facade and have seen him for who he truly is . . . can you find it in your heart to love him for who he is (warts and all) . . . and not for who he pretended to be?

It serves no purpose to vent, and vent, and vent about how he used to be and how he has changed since the marriage vows were exchanged. If you can't love your husband, the real him, and learn to be happy in the marriage, then you need to resolve this problem. You must accept him for who he is or you must divorce him.

Your friends and family want you to find a resolution to this turmoil in your life.

Zelanicat, I am unable to comprehend why you might feel in the least bit guilty if this marriage ends in divorce. You were courted by an actor, whom you married under false pretences. Such contracts, whether marriage or otherwise, are void when one of the part's has been knowingly misled. Although marriage is worthy of a very high valuation, you may be overvaluing a marriage that is not (and considering your partner's duplicitous behavior, was never) a real marriage. Right now, you are part of an arrangement, not a genuine marriage, and this arrangement profits your partner greatly but provides you with an increasing emotional deficit.

As Debra_Law notes in her very well-written post, NOW is the time for resolution of the problem. You've identified the problem; the counselor identified the same problem; and even your partner admitted to the same problem. And you are suffering from the problematic nature of your union.

As you seem an intelligent, sensitive person, it seems impossible that you will ever turn a false marriage, in which you were victimized, into a loving relationship. No doubt, your partner is willing to let you try! But, surely, you know his game by now.

You are young; you have skills; you have friends; you can support yourself. Why not give yourself a better chance for the happiness you deserve?

As Debra_Law suggests, NOW is the time to make a choice. And, I hope, considering the way you've been misled, this time you will make a choice that is going to give you a strong chance for happiness.

If you think a psychologist--a person trained in dealing with difficult folks--wanted to punch your partner, and they were raising their voices, etc., that's an important message for you. Hope you will figure it into your decision.

Above all, I hope you feel better soon. This kind of stress is very wearing. Good luck.

Zelanicat - I read this whole thread and I feel you are postponing the inevitable - divorce. You do not know the man you are married to, I doubt he even knows who he is and you state you don't trust him. You can't have love without trust. You deserve better and each day you stay you are delaying your new life. Good luck on your road I think better things await you.