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Wed 10 Jan, 2018 11:15 am
I have got myself into a situation where I am not sure where to go…I feel like I need to get some counseling but my insurance does not cover “relationship” counseling…This will be long, but here goes…. My husband passed away about 6 months ago after a 2-year battle with Pancreatic Cancer. I was his caregiver in addition to working full time and keeping our home business going. We were together for almost 40 years (35 married). Upon his death, I was actually relieved because he was suffering so. I was soon after at peace with his death and while I had my meltdowns, I recovered from them pretty quickly and moved on. My Pastor said I had been grieving since his diagnosis and that is why I am not going through all the typical emotions (denial, anger, etc.) now – I’ve already have gone through them. While I have a busy life with my work, hobbies, family, friends, etc. I was feeling very lonely and decided to go on an on-line dating site, mostly out of curiosity, but also thinking perhaps I could meet someone. I indicated I wanted a friend and that a relationship could follow down the line. It might sound really shallow, but I need to be physically attracted to someone before I’d even consider dating them. I was not attracted to any of the men I looked at nor was I interested in any of the guys that indicated interest and/or emailed me. Pretty depressing!! Then, I got an email from a guy who lives in my area and I was attracted to him. Unlike my “plan of action”, things have moved along fast – we talked quite a bit on the phone, met for a couple drinks (public place), and found we have a lot in common as well as many mutual friends. In the last 2 weeks I had already met some of his grandkids, his son, and his parents; we went to church; we went to dinner; we slept together (don’t judge… it’s been over 2 years). He admitted to me that he has a past – divorced (wife cheated on him) and that he used to be arrogant and a player years back but that he changed his ways to live like God wants him to live – he is sweet, polite, and a Christian. He told me that our coming together was God’s answer to his prayers. I allowed him to stay with me for the past several nights and while I do love having someone with me, I know I am making a big mistake. He moved some of his clothes to my house so he could go to work; yesterday he brought some “nice clothes” over in case we go out. He texts and emails me throughout the day – A LOT -- songs that remind him of me and messages about how he loves me and misses me, etc. etc. He is a deep thinker and talker…he shares his feelings well. I, on the other hand, have never been one to share my true feelings and I clam up if the conversation gets too deep. He was talking about “when he moves in” and making all these plans in the future, i.e., taking me on a trip West. The other day, he told me that I seem different, that I am pulling away from him, he senses that I am having second thoughts about our relationship. I told him it I am feeling like it is all just going too fast for me. He said that a lot of people have had relationships that move fast and end up happily ever after – he feels there is no reason we can’t make this work and that he is 100% committed to making it work. He has expressed his commitment to me, his love for me, and said if we do break up he will probably never date again because there is no one like me (lol) out there. He cried…!! He told me that this could be our only chance at a really great thing…. That no man would love me like he loves me. He had my head spinning and I felt so confused and sad that he was sad. I agreed that I’d work on it and that I wasn’t planning on leaving him. A few of my friends have done some checking up on him via mutual friends and told me that he is basically a good guy, but he is known to “move fast in relationships” and can be possessive. Finally, something wearing on me is the reaction from my son (age 28). Knowing he is still grieving from the loss of his Dad, I was not going to tell him (or anyone) about our relationship, but he “liked” a bunch of photos on my Facebook page and my kids/friends soon figured it out…. My son told me he is not able to wrap his head around the thought of me dating anyone right now so I’ve given him his space, but I am so upset that he is upset and so worried he might drop in when I am with this guy. I am sick to my stomach as I write this….while I enjoy his company and think he is a super nice guy, I don’t think I am ready for this type of relationship. Your advice is greatly appreciated.
"I don’t think I am ready for this type of relationship."
Your quote, your feelings. Now own them!
Make sure this guy HEARS and UNDERSTANDS this. He sounds like he is not listening to you, either, and that HIS needs are more important or urgent than yours. Step back and slow him down. Boundaries up!
While I totally understand that you have grieved over 2 years, your children have not. Those of us who have children and grandchildren must lead them in the grieving process. That takes time.
Don't think you need to do anything or make any decisions about this guy. Most likely, he thinks you are the best thing ever to come along. You don't have to think this about him, and would not advise getting so involved with someone after just 6 months. He may just be your "transitional man."
@sonny2018,
I have a few thoughts.
1. It sounds like he is manipulating you. The "last chance or this will never work" is a common sales tactic. I think he is playing games with your emotions.
2. It sounds like you may have overly idealistic ideas of how middle-aged relationships work. We all come with baggage, things are never perfect. You need to find someone imperfect and work to build a relationship. This relationship seems to have gotten very emotional very fast, you may need to step back.
3. In my opinion... if you are having second thoughts then you need to make space for yourself. He needs to accept that, it means that you two have been going to fast. If he is a decent man who is serious about the relationship he will understand and give you space to work out the relationship. Set limits to protect yourself, and if he goes away than he was never serious anyway.
4. Your adult son has nothing to do with it. He needs to accept that you have a life. Acknowledge that you know about his feelings. Then go on with your life.
@sonny2018,
sonny2018 wrote:Unlike my “plan of action”, things have moved along fast – we talked quite a bit on the phone, met for a couple drinks (public place), and found we have a lot in common as well as many mutual friends. In the last 2 weeks I had already met some of his grandkids, his son, and his parents; we went to church; we went to dinner; we slept together (don’t judge… it’s been over 2 years).
I allowed him to stay with me for the past several nights and while I do love having someone with me, I know I am making a big mistake. He moved some of his clothes to my house so he could go to work; yesterday he brought some “nice clothes” over in case we go out. He texts and emails me throughout the day – A LOT -- songs that remind him of me and messages about how he loves me and misses me, etc. etc.
He was talking about “when he moves in” and making all these plans in the future, i.e., taking me on a trip West.
I told him it I am feeling like it is all just going too fast for me.
He said that a lot of people have had relationships that move fast and end up happily ever after – he feels there is no reason we can’t make this work and that he is 100% committed to making it work
He told me that this could be our only chance at a really great thing….
That no man would love me like he loves me.
he is known to “move fast in relationships” and can be possessive.
I don’t think I am ready for this type of relationship.
I think your overall instincts on this are great.
Too much.
Too fast.
Too intense.
This guy sounds waaaaay pushy.
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I'd be looking at a way to seriously slow it down. If he really can't listen to you and hear that he is pushing too hard, let him loose - there really are other good guys out there.
Sex - yes.
Dinner - yes.
Dating - yes.
Moving things in? no.
Meeting family? no.
Incessant texting? back-off.
__
I'm feeling crowded just from reading your post.
I'd find a way to give his belongings to him and tell him you're fine with dating (including sex) for now - more is not on the books. No more family get-togethers for now. Dating. That's it. That's all. Visits to museums. Movies. Sporting events.
Thank you! I just sent him a message that my son is coming over tonight so he needs to stay away, but I know he will be wanting to come after the coast is clear.... Is this a good time to break the news to him? What should I say?
I know he is going to break down and cry and tell me that I told him I would work on this and not leave him.... I am so mad at myself for letting it come to this...
@sonny2018,
It is Wednesday.
Send him a message that you'd like to go out for a coffee with him on Friday night. Make it clear that he is not welcome for a pop-in visit. Don't let him in if he still tries to come by tonight.
Talk to him about this in public. Have his belongings in your car to return to him.
If you have to, make plans for tomorrow night so you're not home for him to drop in.
Don't meet with him in your home for now - until things are sorted out. If he is willing to date / have sex - without further strings - then he can visit again (not move in).
@sonny2018,
sonny2018 wrote:I know he is going to break down and cry and tell me that I told him I would work on this
your message is that you are willing to work on the relationship and he needs to as well
he needs to back off right now and give you time / space
if he can do that, you can work on developing a relationship at a more normal pace
He sounds like a master manipulator. He turns on the tears whenever he needs to. He says if you two part ways he will "never date again".
He needs to accept where you are in life. You were with a man for 40 years and had to deal with his slow and agonizing death. Even when we know that the end is nigh, the final ending takes adjustment.
And don't blame yourself for this. You are a person and wanted to interact with another person. It moved more swiftly than you expected or feel ready for. If he is the right person for you, he will back off a little and court you as a gentleman should. Dating, romance.
Just an update on this. As of today, things with us are going very well. I took a short break from seeing him and we talked on the phone only. We had a lot of deep conversations on things that were scaring me and we working through a lot of things that were causing me to be anxious. My son has since met him and thinks he is a good guy and told me that he is okay with my dating. My daughter and son-in-law like him and are excited that I have someone in my life. So, for now, life is good.
@sonny2018,
sonny2018 wrote: My son has since met him and thinks he is a good guy and told me that he is okay with my dating. My daughter and son-in-law like him and are excited that I have someone in my life. So, for now, life is good.
good that the relationship is going well but I wish you'd held off involving him with your family
it's still kind of soon for that
@sonny2018,
sonny2018 wrote:working through a lot of things that were causing me to be anxious.
hopefully he has learned to be more relaxed about relationships
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