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Fri 1 Dec, 2017 03:36 pm
Hello,
I am an Indian wife married for 2 years, staying with Indian husband in USA. I really need advice on my current relationship situation. To ask you question, I would give you some background to understand my issue.
I am 28 years old, married in 2015 to a software engineer. I am also an Software professional having 5+ years of experience in IT industry. I married my husband at the age of 26, which was the arranged marriage.
Initially during our courtship period, he was very kind and caring towards me. But one night, we had a huge fight before our marriage which even lead to break our engagement, but I somehow handled that situation and got married to him.
After marriage he rented an apartment which was close to his office but required 5 hours of travel from my workplace. By the way, he never used to visit his office and often worked from home. I struggled like hell to go to office and work for household thing. He never helped me in any work even though he was free all time as he was not allocated to any project in his office, all he wanted to do is play his Video games day and night.
After 5 months, he got a chance for US project, he was always wanted to have an onsite opportunity, so he moved to US without even thinking about what am I going to do? Then after 5 months he started to ask me to leave India and accompany him in US as he was alone here. He promised me that he will file for my VISA and will try to get a job for me here. Believing in his idea, I resigned my loved job and moved to US. After coming here, he wanted me to do all household work, he barely helped me in anything. I started asking him for my job, he always ignored and never gave me satisfying answers.
I started freelancing to pass my time and earn some money as here I didn’t have any friends or family other than him. But he always expected me to do all the chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He is never ready to offer any help as he thinks that I am sitting at home and doing unimportant work in freelancing. The only thing he want to do in his free time is playing video games. He never takes me out as he thinks eating outside is waste of money. He didn’t gift me anything on my birthday or our marriage anniversary. He never let me buy anything I like because he thinks I already have much e.g. cloths, cosmetics.
In US, I am completely dependent on him because my dependent visa does not permit me to work in US. He never gives me any pocket money, I do have 200$ in my valet but I never use them. I agree that, he pays for our rent, bills and groceries, but in return of it he expects me to do all work in house. He would help me sometimes in cleaning and laundry but them make me feel ashamed of it as I am making my husband work in home. He has drinking habits and looses his control after drinking.
We had a huge fight last time when he grabbed my hand and dragged me to get out of home, the major reason of fight was his Video game. I have conveyed him lots of time about his Video game and drinking habit but he just says that he will lessen it but never does. After that fight, he apologized and said that he will change his behavior towards me. For some days everything was fine, but soon after he started his annoying habits again.
Now, I have decided to apply for master education in US. For which I needed some money to attempt entrance exam and for college application for which he paid. But last night, it was my best friend’s birthday and I asked her about the gift her boyfriend gave her. On a funny note, I mentioned this to my husband and playfully said him that he hasn’t gifted me anything, in the reply of this he said that, he is paying for my exam fees which is equal to a gift. The next morning, I was sleeping as I was little bit upset with his reply, he started yelling at me and asked me wake up and make breakfast for him even though he knows that I am night owl. He always expects me to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for me 30 days a month. He is an unappreciating person, who never say good words about me, never appreciate my work, never comment anything good about the food I cook.
I really don’t know what to do, I cannot tell this all to my parents as they are already struggling with their medical and personal problems. I don’t believe that my in laws can help me in this. I don’t know how can I behave so that I can make him treat me equally. I fear to get divorce because of my family pressure and society reputation. Please help me and advice on this situation.
@RashmiK,
Work on getting your own visa so you can work outside your home.
As for social pressure, etc., divorce is well-known in the United States. While it is different in India, you're here in the US now. You don't have to stay together - although I do urge you to do your best to get your own visa so you're not dependent upon him.
Do you stay or leave? The guy sounds like a jerk but the whole arranged marriage situation is rather different from how most of us operate in America. If you essentially 'have to' stay, then I would suggest talking to family members or friends in similar situations. If they bowed to pressure to stay, what happened?
I realize I am kind of all over the place with this answer, but that's more because I'm trying to be sensitive to your cultural issues. If that wasn't the case, I'd tell you to tell him to shape up or ship out - but I know an Indian marriage doesn't necessarily work that way.
One of the realities of coming to a new country (and not just the US) is that you often take on the mores and culture of your new home. He cannot expect you to be exactly the same way you were in India now that you've seen how we live here.
@jespah,
Thanks a lot Jespah! Your reply helped me get some insights in my situation.
I am applying for higher education as that's the only way to get a chance to work in US for dependent visa holders. But I am worried if his behavior will change when I will actually have some important things to do than just cooking and cleaning all day.
@RashmiK,
Hey, you're welcome! And best of luck with your education.
@RashmiK,
Hi, I just want you to know, you are not alone. I understand some of what you're going through. I know it's really hard. I honestly do not know what it is with relationships, that turn into marriage. If its wives who show husbands through our actions, its ok to let us become like your mom.... And even s, that's not right. If in the beginning of a relationship or marriage we work hard at spoiling our man... I'll make your coffee, or I'll iron your clothes for work. And in the beginning they help out too, maybe to show their worth. But maybe they become immune to our nurturing nature, and let it take over, while they turn on auto pilot. And eventually we realize.... "hey, wait a minute, I am doing all of this for you, and I'm getting nothing extra in return." But they are so immune to it... telling them won't change a thing. I have heard some women have had success by, not doing what they once did. Example, stop going to the grocery store to buy that nice breakfast food... That way when he wakes up in the morning and asks for you to cook, you can say, there's cereal in the cupboard... make a bowl. This way he will be able to see there is no replenish of special food. Or do your laundry and not his, when he asks where his clean clothes are... you can say, I don't know they must be in the clothes hamper. (Now... he will think, I am working providing for you and this is your job..... No, No, you made it very clear you didn't want to be a stay at home wife. And you are providing for him too. You are going to school to not only better yourself, but to better the both of you. Because the end result will provide you and him with more financial income.) Another bit of advise I read a book and took a relationship class, called Love and Respect, By Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I highly suggest reading this book, it helps if both of you are reading it, but it also works if only one partner is. Its not a cure, but it does show insight on decoding how men and women think differently, and it helps you to attack those problems head on and achieve results. Lastly, I will say marriage is not a one way street, it is a partnership, two people working together. I am struggling in my marriage as well, my husband plays video games all day. I feel like a fixture on the wall... I use to say, I am a fixture on the wall that only gets taken down when needed.... but the gaming takes up so much time, I don't get taken down at all now. You will be in my thoughts.
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