How to save my marriage and my sanity

Sat 25 Nov, 2017 05:15 pm
I've been married for over a year. My husband has terrible anger issues and resorts to abusive comments like everybody said u were bad i still married you.. you are indecent etc. Once hes calm he says it was out of anger. I had a job in canada lived freely social bird etc.. i moved out n lived in middle east a city where i wasnr allowed to drive or go anywhere without him. I had a small studio apt. I never complained i was happy it was my first home. In a year our fights were all about control he didnt like something i wore to be too revealing talking to a guyfriend he would yell and throw tantrums. We got past that and i would avoid topics to upset him and he was amazing then..i guess he adjusted to me too and what triggered me. The best husband he would be in our good times.. 6 months were great but i was living in hurt of all the emotional abuse he put me thru in the begining. Anyway i left middle east on a good note
In canada for 2 months .. i didnt board the plane today. He managed to fight with me everyday for the first few weeks here..i ended up blocking him waiting for him to apologize and behave..he sent me one sorry and lovey dovey email But when i disnt respond for 8 hrs he called me back yelling we ended up swearing and i blocked him again.. But he got worse and would email me harsh emails. My trip and seeing family after a year was ruined. A month of not talking i tried calling him conference with his best friend to try n talk sense in him. He yelled and blamed everything on me. 4 days before my flight back he started telling pls come back we will sort everything face to face. I refused. He started getting angry again n refused to settle in canada if i dont come back . A day before my flight he asked me if im coming again when i said no. He threatened divorce and blocked me. My flights missed and saudi arabia rules once landing visa date expires to reissue is months n months of long process.
I am so hurt. I miss home there that i left in tact. Last time i saw him at the airport.. I still miss him but knew i needed to be treated with respect. I miss our wonderful moments. I feel like i should have handled his anger better coz he was lonely there..i wish i could restart my trip home in canada again.. now only thingthat will bring us together will be immig to go thru i dont know how much longer.
Im experiencing major anxiety. hardly sleep eat and smoke every half hr. Last time i felt this way was when my sister died 2 years ago.
I dont know how to fix this marriage and i dont know how to make him realize.
Sat 25 Nov, 2017 05:33 pm
@Hurtingalot ,
My dear, he is an abuser. And you show all the signs of someone who is under the abuser's control ( blaming yourself for his actions, minimizing the abuse, accepting blame, trying to rationalize his behavior, thinking he will change, etc)

Please get some counseling. For this and for your sister's death.
Sat 25 Nov, 2017 05:46 pm
To add, contact a trusted friend in Saudi Arabia and ask them to send to you any possessions you want. Tell them you will pay the postage.

And for God's sake stay in Canada where you have family support and a fighting chance to get a divorce without this abuser coming over to kill you.
I'm not exaggerating. Abuse can be permanent. Want to lose an eye?

BTW, his lovey dovey bullshit is a standard abuser's tactic to get you to cave. Same with his 'model husband' behavior.

Please get a counselor and a lawyers and take care of yourself. And tell your family everything as I bet you have not. They will, most likely, be appalled and angry. Let their anger and outrage fuel you and give you the courage to tell your husband you are done for good.
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Sat 25 Nov, 2017 06:00 pm
@Hurtingalot ,
I completely agree with Punkey and Jespah, both are wise women. Please listen to them.

Do not try to save your marriage, that is wildly foolish and entirely dangerous.
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Sat 25 Nov, 2017 08:38 pm
Most people living with an abuser or addict hope that he/she will just stop the behavior. It's more than that.

This behavior is in his Character. It is ingrained. That's how he views women and how he handles frustration. Most likely it's what he saw as a child in his own home, how he was raised to see women. Or indulged or even abused by others himself.

Decide not to be the victim. Know that you deserve respect and authentic kindness and love. .
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Thu 7 Dec, 2017 12:26 am
The leopard cannot change his spots.
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