GF excited to see single male friend

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My gf and I met on vacation, we are from different parts of the U.S., but she never went home and we’ve spent almost every day together since we met 4 mos ago. She lives with me (not too far from where wet met on vacation) and overall it has been going well. We are both 46. She is (has been) in the entertainment industry in a large city, not close to where I live. I know who her good friends are and have met one. We have a trip planned to her hometown city where her father lives and where her best girlfriend is going to be for the weekend, and I look forward to meeting both. She also wants to see an old male friend (single, straight, successful actor) who will be in town, and who is from and lives in another country. I was slightly uncomfortable with this to begin with, but I was in for going to meet him. Then I asked her if he knows we are dating. She hasn’t told him. I asked her if she told him that she had split with her previous boyfriend (who she was living with when we met, but the relationship was essentially over. She still has most of her stuff at his house, and he is supposed to be shipping it to us, but it doesn’t seem to be happening). She said she had not told him that, then I pressed her on it and she said well yes I guess I did. Then she read to me an email she had sent to him. In it she told him she had “broken up with (previous boyfriend), that she is solving her midlife crisis on vacation (very extended vacation bc of meeting me). She said “I am drifting along with no direction. I need your help! Please come visit!!! Love, (her). She didn’t mention anything about me and he doesn’t even know I exist. He is 40. Not loving this email and the situation, I asked if she could see why I felt the way I did about it. She responded that he is a close friend of the family and is like a brother to her. She has lied to me before and I’m not sure I can believe this. She also said that we had either temporarily broken up or I had upset her when she sent that email. Understandable if true, but I don’t remember anything like that, and she is quite skilled about smothing over the lies, or apparent lies, with distorting the facts, another lie, etc. We have gone twice to couples counseling to keep things smooth, and so that I could address what I see as her often being dishonest. So I brought up this email and our plans to the therapist. We worked on her understanding why I would feel the way I do about the situation. The therapist asked me if it would help if she showed affection towards me in front of this guy rather than barely act like I’m there. I said absolutely, I think that would help and make it ok. But I don’t believe she will do this. She’ll have an excuse why it didn’t happen. Hopefully I’m wrong and things will go well. I’m perturbed about this and have considered not going, which would end the relationship. Any thoughts please?

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@Boone42,

If your relationship is just 4 months old, and you are already seeing a therapist because you feel she is dishonest. It also seems you don't trust her enough to meet with a male friend of hers without hooking up with him, despite being involved with you. It doesn't sound like the basis for a good relationship to me, but ok.

Two scenarios:
a) She is going to meet him with the intention of hooking up with him, or establishing a relationship with him. If that is the case, then you won't be able to stop her regardless: all that not trusting her and ging to therapy is going to do is make up her mind for her she would be better of with him than with you.
But I doubt that's the case, because she is going to meet him together with you, right? If she really wanted to hook up with him, she would meet him alone: much less hassle that way, after all. Besides, this guy lives in another country apparently, and that brings its own problems to a potential relationship as well.
b) She is going to meet with an old friend, and that's it. If he does live in another country, it's probably not all that easy for her to meet with him often, so it makes sense she'll try to meet him if she is able to. She's taking you along as well, which I interpret as a good sign, see above.

I guess it just comes down to trust. If you can't trust your partner to not try and cheat on you, then what sort of future do you see for yourself with that person?'So go along with her, and just see what happens: if she is truly as callow as to try and hook up with this guy while you are there, then she isn't worth starting a relationship with in the first place.

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Dude- Really? Four months and you moved in with her?

You are just now discovering her "baggage."

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@najmelliw,

Thank you, that is helpful. We both believe in couples counseling early on in a relationship- the therapist said that is not common but he also felt like we do that talking through things with an unbiased person is helpful even if your issues aren’t critical. But yes there is a trust issue that I think in therapy is being helping with. The relationship is only 4 mos., although we have been together every day, most all day every day, so it has advanced rapidlly. Which brings up the issues that go along with moving too fast. I feel like we should maybe take a little time apart, but she hasn’t wanted to and I had given in early on to her resistance to going more slowly. The guy lives in another country (London), but she has lived in London before and in her current state of flux with where she’s going to live, I think she would have no problem moving there. You’ve made some great points though and I appreciate your input.

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@Boone42,

My read on this is that that guy, any guy, isn't the issue for you to pay attention to.

She is 46 years old and has taken (so far) a four month break from her real life. She didn't return to work. She didn't return to her friends. She didn't return to her life.

If possible, encourage her to work with a professional on sorting out what's preventing her from returning to her life.

Her email to her friend points out that she recognizes the problem - that she is drifting and needs help.

Offer her support around that.

Boone42 wrote:

My gf and I met on vacation, we are from different parts of the U.S., but she never went home and we’ve spent almost every day together since we met 4 mos ago. She lives with me (not too far from where wet met on vacation) and overall it has been going well. We are both 46. She is (has been) in the entertainment industry in a large city, not close to where I live.

Then she read to me an email she had sent to him. In it she told him she had “broken up with (previous boyfriend), that she is solving her midlife crisis on vacation (very extended vacation bc of meeting me). She said “I am drifting along with no direction. I need your help! Please come visit!!! Love, (her).

Don't worry about the guy. If she had an interest in him, she wouldn't have told you about him, wouldn't have included you in a trip that might involve a meeting with him.

It does read that you feel insecure - and I believe there is some reason for that but it's not directly related to another person. She needs to make decisions about her life. She's taking a time-out with you. Enjoy the time, be supportive of her needs, but realize that she feels like she's drifting. She needs to find a way to go forward with her life.

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@Boone42,

Boone42 wrote:

I feel like we should maybe take a little time apart, but she hasn’t wanted to

take the time apart

it will be healthier for both of you

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@Boone42,

Boone42 wrote:

Thank you, that is helpful. We both believe in couples counseling early on in a relationship- the therapist said that is not common but he also felt like we do that talking through things with an unbiased person is helpful even if your issues aren’t critical. But yes there is a trust issue that I think in therapy is being helping with. The relationship is only 4 mos., although we have been together every day, most all day every day, so it has advanced rapidlly. Which brings up the issues that go along with moving too fast. I feel like we should maybe take a little time apart, but she hasn’t wanted to and I had given in early on to her resistance to going more slowly. The guy lives in another country (London), but she has lived in London before and in her current state of flux with where she’s going to live, I think she would have no problem moving there. You’ve made some great points though and I appreciate your input.

You are of course welcome. I'm not entirely sure how easy it is for a foreigner to move to England permanently, I reckon it depends on the country they come from, but I doubt it's as easy as just collecting your stuff and getting on a plane to Heathrow.

So, if she agrees in couples therapy then that is of course a different story: I didn't get that from your original post. It sounds like an excellent thing to do, especially now that ehBeth has posted, as what she says makes sense(as always): therapy might be helpful for your gf to deal with her own midlife crisis as well. I also agree that some time apart might be a good idea as well: perhaps it might be good for her to spend some quality time with her best friend, after your trip is over. But good luck with it all!

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@najmelliw,

najmelliw wrote:

You are of course welcome. I'm not entirely sure how easy it is for a foreigner to move to England permanently, I reckon it depends on the country they come from, but I doubt it's as easy as just collecting your stuff and getting on a plane to Heathrow.

It is very, very difficult, verging on impossible, for most people. If you don't have British citizenship, you need a visa, and they are only available in a limited number of categories, and even those cost a lot of money.

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@Boone42,

Boone42 wrote:

The guy lives in another country (London)

London isn't a country.

1 Reply

@centrox,

centrox wrote:

Boone42 wrote:
The guy lives in another country (London)
London isn't a country.

I repeat: London is not a country.

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GF excited to see single male friend

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