A long-distance long-term affair

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Ok let me start off by saying I know an affair is wrong. Believe me I have always been the good girl and never in my life would have thought I would end up in an affair. My husband and I have now been married 18 years. We have 3 wonderful kiddos. Yes my marriage has been up and down but I love my husband and we have a great marriage. I know people say you can’t love someone and cheat on them but I do. I met “Bob” online . I don’t even know what made me go in a chat room. We hit it off right away. We had so much in common. We both love our spouses, have 3 kids, same occupation, we both had only been with our spouses sexually and both had just wandered on this site and not sure why. After talking a few months on a Chat app I got scared bc my feelings were strong. It was hard for me to imagine his feeling being true. I lost my phone and took that as just end it all. Well 6 minus later I could not stop thinking of him so I logged on. He immediately responded to me. We decided to only talk to each other.
That first meeting was 5 years ago this spring. We still chat everyday even if it is just a good morning and/or goodnight. We have voice and Video chatted throughout the years. We love each other we have been there through a lot. We talk about and share every joy and trial. We on opposite ends of the US. We finally met a few months ago. It was amazing. AMAZING! We had the best time together. We have seen each other twice since that first time and each time is amazing. Those 3 meetings were not easy to get and I’m afraid we may not see each other anytime soon again. It’s hard I am torn. I love my husband but I also love him. I struggle with jealousy and heart ache not having him. I don’t want to lose what I have at home but I don’t want to lose “bob” either. It’s messed up the way I feel. I desire him greatly. I know I should stop but I can’t and really I don’t want to. Has anyone been here? I struggle with the pain but it is also pure bliss. I feel very guilty sometimes bc his wife is AMAZING. I have no clue why we do what we are doing. We have so much on the line at home and we love the dearly but we love each other also.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 4 • Views: 1,312 • Replies: 11

@Sga,

Understand that chatting and online life is curated. People don't logon when they're feeling truly crappy. Even if you've seen 'Bob' tired or depressed, you still haven't seen him truly and completely let it all hang out. I guarantee that - no one would or could go online with, say, a migraine or the like.

So you are seeing a better than average version of him. Same thing with the meetings. You see him clean, happy, willing to do whatever. You don't see him leaving his dirty socks on the floor, having to be told four times to pick up the kids from the airport, or when he's just had three-alarm chili.

You see all of those things with your husband, and of course I understand they aren't pleasant.

But they're real.

Hey, if you want to toss that for what is a pipe dream at best, you are an adult and you can make your own choices. Or you can work with a counselor, talk about what's missing in your life, and maybe get your husband to be a part of that counseling and see what both of you are going to do about things.

I am not against divorce - far from it! But when there's no abuse and the party says they still love their spouse and have a great marriage, then I think throwing in the towel is downright foolish.

I'm against not trying.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thank you for your reply and advise!

1 Reply

@Sga,

Just to reiterate: your husband is reality, warts and all.

Bob is escape and fantasy.

So many people will be hurt because you hide in the fantasy.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

I appreciate this and need to hear it. Thank you

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@Sga,

I completely understand where you are, and that's a normal feeling. It's unexpected but also complicated. I recently began a relationship with a woman that I find I can't stop thinking about. I even get antsy sometimes when I don't hear from her after a couple of hours because we talk a lot. I also love my wife and don't want to leave her, but I'm crazy about this woman. And the more I get to know her, the more smitten I become. It's hard, believe me! But it's also hard to turn off those feelings.

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@jlamb76,

Thank you for your reply. Yes it is hard to turn off the feelings. VERY hard! Even when I know what I could lose and everyone I could hurt. I get the antsy part I get that way also if I haven’t heard from him in a few or hours. After 5 years of talking I can say I have struggled some off and on with the well if he did this to the wife he loves then he could be talking to other people too. Which is true but it is so out of character for both of us. Luckily we have that open communication we talk about our struggles in this relationship we are very open with each other. It’s just so hard to explain to someone that has not been there. It is easy to judge.

2 Replies

@Sga,

I have been having an affair with a married man for 8 months. I join him on his his work trips, I know its wrong but the connection is so strong it’s tge driving force. I get so depressed when our 3 days come to an end, and I always say to myself that it’s not worth it. But I just returned yesterday from my 6th trip with him. I have not advice, but sure wish I had the answers. He goes back to his wife and kids and I’m left without a partner hardly seems fair.

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@Sga,

Sga wrote:

It’s just so hard to explain to someone that has not been there.

how's it explaining to people who have been there and think it's wrong?

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@Sga,

Sga wrote:

I love my husband

If you truly truly love your husband, talk to him honestly about what is going on. Maybe it'll be ok, maybe not, but he has the right to know about the relationship he is in and to choose if he wants to continue to be in it.

That's what you do for people you love.

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@Confused heart ,

That's how it is with the woman I am seeing, I know. I wish I could see her more often, but we can't. We try to see each other a few times a week, mostly just little get togethers here and there.

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@Sga,

I know what you mean about being judged. Unless someone has been in that exact circumstance, the most advice people will give back is "Stay with your spouse and end the affair." It's not that easy, especially when a connection is made. Like you, we also both have a lot of open communication and talk about our struggles with the relationship. Neither of us have ever done anything like this before, and so we're just taking it with each day and not looking to the future. Still, it's hard to turn off those feelings. I was upset she went out with someone the other night, but after talking things out, we both realized that neither of us had cause to worry as the guy she went out with was someone we both knew not to be interested at all. Hope it's all going well with you, and if you can figure out how to balance the feelings when you're not around that person, please let me know!

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A long-distance long-term affair

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