Mon 9 Oct, 2017 03:18 pm
My husband has a bad habit of befriending mostly single, young women. It has been an issue off and on (more on than off), varying in severity, but all of his "friends" have caused problems in our marriage. Religiously deleting messages, hanging out at work after hours to give rides when he normally won't stay after house for ANYTHING, inviting these "friends" to our home while I'm at work-these things used to be normal behaviors for him, to the point that I could pin point with one look which girl would become a problem and what ways he was probably going to try to weasel her into his life. He always becomes friends quickly with new young, single women that come into his life, usually thru work. He always maintains that they're just friends, but it always ends up coming out in the wash that there's something about the friendship that he's hidden-be it her coming over to our house without my knowledge and I find out weeks later thru a friend, these "friends" giving him gifts that he lets slip out in conversation, these "friends" leaving items at our house, him not telling me anything about it being theirs, then inviting them to our house to "pick it up" while I'm at work- things like that. Because of this, the trust in our marriage has been broken and can't heal because it's constantly being bent. Because of this, I've begun being suspicious of every woman around our age and under that he becomes friends with. If it truly is just a friendship, I don't want to be an overbearing, jealous pain in the butt, but I also don't want to be naive and inadvertently turn a "blind eye" to something that might be going on. How do I find a happy medium so he can have friends without it making me uncomfortable and where I don't constantly feel like I need a PI to make sure he's not hiding anything, like he has before? I feel like I can't be comfortable with his "friends" unless I can be 100% sure its completely platonic, and I can't be 100% sure unless I were to follow him around every second of every day and read every text and facebook message he sends and see and hear every word of every conversation with these women. Obviously, I can't do that but I also don't feel I can trust his word, as he's lied before. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
No, you're not.
My husband's got female friends. They don't come over. They don't leave stuff at our house (impossible as they don't come over). And they don't see him without my knowing - and I don't insist on that. My husband just tells me.
Here's an idea: insist on meeting his pals. And see how eager he is to do that. If he is, then I think you can at least give him the benefit of the doubt that it's above board - and maybe tell these women yourself that you don't appreciate them coming over, full stop. You don't need to tell them why. They'll figure it out soon enough.
If he won't agree to your getting acquainted with his female pals, then you'll know where you stand.
PS He's already sneaking around, he's already crossed lines, and he's already lied to you. I get the feeling he'll balk at having you meet these girls, and then it'll all be over but the shouting. Might as well save $$ on a PI - you wouldn't need one in that instance.
Totally agree with @jespah. If he doesn't have any problem letting you meet these women and interacting with them and it all seems above board, then it might be kosher, possibly. The best way to root out questionable behavior is to shine a light on it. If he's defensive or accuses you of not trusting him or being jealous, then you have problems - this is a sign he's hiding something.
At that point I would request that all relationships of this type are ended. That's not being "demanding" or "nagging", that's just making the marriage the number one priority and protecting it from damaging influences.
Why are they all female and single? A coincidence maybe? Not likely, but let him have the benefit of the doubt for the moment. In a very reserved way of course! If he doesn't allow you to meet them, then he has something to hide. If you do meet them (unlikely imo) then make friends with them. I bet they don't come over when you're not there afterwards (which would probably indicate that when they did, that it was for sex). Do his 'friends' know about you? Can you place photos of you as a couple all over the house? How about leaving a pair of knickers in your bed? That would put most women off. Permanently place a pair there every day.
These are the symbols of cheating. Why all his female friends are single. If they are just friend why they come to your home after your back and your husband hide the things. I think you should openly talk and let know him how uncomfortable you feel with his female friends. If it will continue, your relationship can come into danger.