To tell or not to tell

No. As you said yourself, your goal is to make him "pay". Telling his partner is not going to satisfy your need to punish him. You've found the truth, now remove yourself from the situation and move on.

I guess I am confused. You have been friends with benefits and you have been fine with that. So what if he has been seeing someone else steadily for a year or so? How did that affect your FWB relationship? If I were him, I would be confused by your reaction. After all, you two are only friends. What should it matter that he has a girlfriend? Who knows, maybe the GF knows about you. In any case, it is not your place to find her and tell her.

Tibbleinparadisе,
Thank you for your response. I have removed myself from the situation already. I guess the need to tell her is a way to punish him but I realize I'm punishing her too if I do. She doesn't deserve that. That's why I am here on this forum working through to make a wise decision and not hurt anyone

What was your definition of FWB?

You had no "exclusive" contract with him. That is understood with FWB, as I understand it. You wanted the best of both worlds.

It seems he understood perfectly what it meant. He really had no obligation to tell you what he was doing outside of your "friends" role.

This is why, I believe, FWB never works, especially for women.

Purely from a psychological perspective exacting justice or vengeance does not result in healthy internal feelings (in a situation like this). There are so many variables beyond your control that your chances of succeeding are mixed at best. And if you do succeed, is it really going to make you happy? And, if it does, how does it make you feel to know you've caused others hurt to make yourself happy?

Yes, it's confusing. Seeing someone else is not what is upsetting for me, but not letting me know is. We have both verbally agreed to let the other know if one of us meets and wants to be with someone else. It was a mutual agreement that at that time the FWB would end. I guess it was him wanting to have the best of both worlds since he was lying about not being in a committed relationship. Had I've known that he has and lives with a GF I would've never ever consider to get myself in that situation. So, that's how it matters - I feel like I was sleeping with a married man, and that's huge no-no for me.

We were very good friends but neither of us wanted a relationship. He would call me and talk to me about any problems he had. I have helped him any way I could. I have asked him for help too and he's always been there for me.

Correct, "exclusive" doesn't go well with FWB. Naturally, I have never expected to become "exclusive". He knew that I would withdraw immediately at any point he wants to date. The fact that he has a GF doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he was lying about it.

You are correct, he had no obligation to tell me what he was doing. However, we have discussed it many times and we had a verbal agreement to tell the other one if and when a third person enters the scene.

I have to agree the FWB doesn't work when people involved are not honest. As a matter of fact, no relationship will work if all involved are dishonest.

Two - three years is a long time. I cant believe that she doesn't know. Perhaps they have an open relationship.

I sense you are frustrated that you didn't get an explanation or closure and that's frustrating. After this long, he really should explain why he broke the rules. His non- response is like being dumped.

But, really, after 2-3 years, your relationship should have moved into something more. You spent (wasted) some quality time on him.

If you really want to force this, tell him that if he doesn't explain, then he will have to tell her, or you will. Since you are angry and hurt, it will take everything in your power to just listen and not argue with him. You just want an explanation, after all.

But expect just to find out that he is a needy, horny coward who can't commit to anyone.

you've done what you can in terms of making him pay

you've ended the FWB deal you had with him. that is a loss to him

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anything further hurts his girlfriend, not really him. what you would want in her situation doesn't apply. you aren't her and you don't know what she wants or what she knows about his other relationship/s.

You've done the best thing you can for yourself. Congratulations on having the willpower to do it. It's not easy.

Keep yourself busy and move on from the liar.

I am so thankful for your responses. I know I tend to hold onto "stuff" and it takes me time to get over. I am trying to rationalize and explore my feelings and let it go. Many times it's so easy to say then do.

I doubt she knows, even though it is possible.

Yes, I am frustrated... it was all preventable...

It wasn't possible to talk when 'the revelation' happened, and we haven't talked since. As I mentioned previously, it all happened at my work place. I knew he would be coming and he knew that there was almost 100% possibility that his case would be assigned to me. We saw each other couple of days prior to this and I have explained to him in great details what to expect in terms of his case, step by step what the procedures were. He told me that he would be coming with his daughter and "my friend". He always alluded to "my friend" as him or he. It sounded a very weird that his friend would like to come but I thought " I don't know him (the friend) and I shouldn't judge their friendship."

You can imagine my surprise when "his friend" walked in.... it wasn't a guy as I thought, it was a lady. I treated the situation professionally as I would with any other client.
He didn't even had the courage to introduce her properly. Speaking to my coworker (I wasn't present at the time) he said "this is my daughter and my lady friend"
You might say he wanted to come out clean and that's why he came with her.
It would've been much easier on me and especially on him had he told me that he last time we saw each other. I would've even arrange do not be on his case or not even at work that day. Very confusing....

It was very obvious on his face and his behavior that 'the revelation' was taking a huge toll on him.....maybe he was fearing that I would make a scene..........all preventable had he had the courage to tell me prior to this meeting.

I think the feeling is more of being betrayed than feeling of being dumped...

I wasn't expecting a committed relationship....I wasn't ready, obviously he wasn't either. Then, longer I got to know him, more and more I realized that even though we were getting to be good friends, we couldn't be more.
I didn't waste my time on him, I was and still am living my life. There is nothing I would've done differently hadn't I known him.

You are right, I feel like I want to force him to explain, but I don't want to do anything I would regret later. I was very angry at first, thank god it didn't last long. Yes, I'm somewhat hurt too. Listening to his explanation will not be a problem at all. I don't feel the need to argue, no mater what he says, I just want to hear it. Needless to say that I probably will not trust much of what he says anyway. If we get to talk, I know that I can have normal conversation. I do not have any expectations.

Punkey, I appreciate your responses and you all your support very much.
I was thinking to ask him to explain and ask him if he was going to tell her or he wants me to do that.

"But expect just to find out that he is a needy, horny coward who can't commit to anyone."
You are right on that one too. The neediness had crossed my mind many times and within the last week I've found out that the rest of your sentence is very true too. I won't be surprised if he admits to keeping his lifestyle because of convenience for him. Really, nothing would surprise me.

he was ready for a committed relationship - but not with his FWB

just accept that and move on

he wanted a relationship and he found someone to have it with. he continued his convenient FWB with you on the side.




truthfully, what happens in his relationship is absolutely none of your business.

move forward and leave his relationship with his partner alone
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You weren't in it for a relationship.

The FWB deal is over.

Spend some time reflecting on what you want next - another FWB? a friendship? a relationship? then move on to finding that

Time to take care of yourself.

I suspect the FWB and I came into the picture while he was already in a committed relationship.

Being on here is part of moving on

You are right, what happens in his relationship is none of my business.
I am counting my blessings that I was the FWB.