Tue 5 Sep, 2017 04:50 pm
So, me and my wife have been married for about 2 years and I found out accidently that she had been talking to one of her male friends behind my back. (This friend, is someone she said she use to have a crush on way way way back and she had been to college in canada with, granted this guy lives on the opposite coast so no where near us, <we live in florida>). So anyways, I found out she had been talking to him and stating stuff such as " I miss you, and etc." .... intially she denied talking to him as i would bring it up randomly giving her a chance to spill the beans but Nada...
So eventually I confronted her about it and she asked what she wanted her to do, and she said should she stop talking to him, and I told her, No, I'm not the person to tell her who to not talk to but lying and being distrustful is another thing. So she said she would stop talking to him and only messege him on his birthday and thats it, So i was like yea, thats no problem.
Well, lo and behold, once again I accidently found messeges of them 2 conversing few months back (and when i say accidentally, truely mean it, I pick up her phone to hand to her and bam, on the screen is a messege from him...
One messege from memory, went like this :
Him: I don't want any trouble between you guys, i dont want your hubby to to get mad"
Her: Its ok he wont find out
I get that this may just be a close friend of hers from college or what not, and i truely dont mind if she talks to anyone, male or not....as long as they dont get too cozy...
but the thing is this goes past her saying that she wont talk to him anymore and basically lies about being on contact with him, Now, i have not confronted her about this, heck, she has no idea I know that shes still taking with this guy....but I would like to know you guys opinions, what do you think is going on.....
Am i being paranoid, that I wish i could just go through all her messages and see what she is saying or is this just normal and common throughout most couples.
Since my wife is very introverted, maybe this one person she could talk with from way back and has that sort of connection with, and im just overthinking everything...
It's affecting your marriage so she should stop.
But you have not dealt with WHY she feels the need to talk to him and stay close. That could be revealed during marriage counseling.
Is he married/committed? I would bet not.
I'd be much more concerned about the fact that she lied to you about ending the contact than the contact itself.
I don't like using language like confronting but I do think you need to let her know that you know she is still in contact - I think you should have mentioned it as you handed the phone over. No holding back and thinking about it - simply state - I see you're still talking to X. Let her know you would prefer it if she was honest with you about the continued contact. The fact that she hides it/doesn't tell you is the concern.
I agree that you may want to suggest to her that this may be a good time to take some time in a couples program to improve communications between the two of you. If you're religious, take advantage of programs available through your church. While I am not at all religious, I've seen people get really good results through some couples programming - especially those that connect newly married couples with couples of longer duration.
You are not being paranoid. Ask her why she is keeping this tiny, little flame aglow - is it because platonic love like this happens only once in a thousand years? I'd tell her she moves out the next time you find a single communication between them, including if he texts her.
Doing it behind your back, keeping secrets is a big red line. If it's all so innocent then why not share it? She also lied and/or deceived you by saying she would end contact, then didn't. Ask her where the two of you need to work on your relationship. When she asks why tell her what you know and say that, he must be fulfilling a role, that you aren't. Is she hoping to re-kindle a relationship with him? What she's doing is Emotional Infidelity. In 83% of cases these emotional affairs become physical. It could be that if it weren't for the distance then this would have already become a physical affair. You need to tackle it with her