should i stay married?

Reply Thu 17 Aug, 2017 10:05 am
I have been together with my husband for 11 years, we got married 3 years ago. When we first started going out, I wasn't in love nor really attracted, but I decided to give it a go since he was a nice guy. I didn't think it was serious, I was seeing other guys too, and was not really over my ex. Then about 1 year later he asked me to move with him to a different country. Since I had just finished my university study, I thought it was a great opportunity and said yes. So we moved together, in a foreign country, not really knowing any other people. Being with him all the time, I started feeling really attached to him, I felt I really love him. He was very supportive and kind, he took care of me financially until I got a job. We were like a family. But at the same time I was chatting and flirting with an ex co-worker. During the holidays when we visited our families back in our home country, I cheated. I didn't feel very guilty and I was convinced that no matter what, I still love my boyfriend and he is the one I should be with. I later had an affair with a co-worker, who was too in a relationship. During that time, my boyfriend proposed and I said yes. My affair even wanted us to end our relationships, because we both said we are unhappy. But I didn't want to, since I knew I am better off with my fiancee. After the affair ended (peacefully) I was happy and felt relieved and decided to concentrate on my relationship. We had a beautiful wedding and I felt happier than ever. But not a lot of time passed and I started to feel really unhappy again. Something was missing. I wanted to feel in love. A feeling I never had for my husband. I wanted to go on dates, feel excited..So last year I had another affair. Another coworker. He was single and I fell in love. He knew I was unhappy but never encouraged me to break up, he even said we would never get along. But he did care for me a lot, he was showing that, but denied it, until he admitted he was feeling lonely, but I shouldn't make any decision based on what he says. It went on for about 6 months, and when the intimacy stopped (not my decision) we managed to stay friends and still hung out every now and then and we texted every day. I only then started to realise how much I cared for him. But that ended too, and we are now just colleagues, going to lunch together and nothing more. We don't talk about any private stuff, don't text, but try to act normal, like nothing ever happend. And I thought since everything cooled off, I could feel happy again with my husband. But I feel depressed, I can't get over my affair and I ask myself if there is even a point to stay married, if I constantly look for love elsewhere. If you really love someone, you wouldn't want to cheat. And the cheating was never just about sex, it was emotional every time. My husband and I haven't had sex for 1 year. And before that it wasn't that great either, and we only did it a couple of times a year. But he is the most wonderful man, he loves me more than anything, our families and friends get a long and we've shared so many beautiful moments. He doesn't know about the affairs and I know he would be devastated if I left. We talked about our marriage problems and why we lost our connection (lack of communication, no sex) but he is willing to do everything it takes to get over it. And I'm not sure if I want that and if it is right to try to work it out, if maybe in a few years I find myself in another affair. I am not in love with my husband, and I'm not attracted to him. He is like family for me. I care very deeply for him and it breaks my heart to see him suffer. HELP
Reply Thu 17 Aug, 2017 10:46 am
You are not being fair to this "wonderful" man. He deserves happiness, too.

Don't bet that he knows nothing about your unfaithfulness to your vows.

Time to get real honest and make the break. Then you can look for another kind of love that you want.

Reply Thu 17 Aug, 2017 11:10 am
@miri sun,
You are constantly looking for excitement.. thats not love.. you have to work on yourself and have a control on your thoughts and emotions
miri sun
Reply Fri 18 Aug, 2017 04:04 am
Thank you for your honest reply! I know I'm not being fair! I talked to him about it. For him happiness is being with me, and I told him I believe he deserves better and I can't meet his needs (anymore) but he is convinced I will get over this and we can work it out. I was as honest as I could be (without hurting him with the whole truth) but he got so upset I couldn't handle it anymore and I told him we should give it one more try. We get along so well, have similar hobbies, same level of activity, we could be best friends - but not as man and wife. And this is the first time I'm being really honest to myself and started questioning if it was right to stay in such a relationship to begin with, and also if I could continue living like this. But it's so difficult having to make this decision for both of us.
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miri sun
Reply Fri 18 Aug, 2017 04:16 am
Thank you! You are right, I know it's my fault and I can't appreciate what I have. But something was always missing in our relationship - passion, and that's what I'm longing for. And I am also aware that all the excitement of a new relationship eventually passes away, so in order to stay in a relationship, you have to be compatible. Which we are. So I made the safe choice. The rational one. It's the emotional connection I'm missing.
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Reply Fri 25 Aug, 2017 05:53 am
@miri sun,
Oh my goodness. I'm going through a similar situation. Though my affair started about 8 months after we were married.. and we've been together a total of 8 year, married a little over a year... I've just now told him (my husband) that I cannot be with him anymore and honestly our relationship issues similar to yours started well... about 8 years ago. Now that I've told him (like you.. not the whole truth) that I'm unhappy and need out of this marriage though I love him soo deeply and I truly know that he deserves more than I can give him.. he's not taking it very seriously.. but my answer to your question is No. you should not stay married get out now while it's safer... imagine years down the road sticking it out, full of resentment, years waisted and you have another affair which will happen and it's exposed. And he's crushed you're embarrassed. Life's a freaking mess but you looked back and knew you had a chance to spare the hurt of ending a marriage in this way and you're horrified yourself. I'm telling you the answer that I look for as I research my own very similar issue. I know it's difficult and impossible to try to explain this situation to friends or family and this is probably something you never thought you would do but the more and more I truly reflect inward I know my husband will find happiness beyond what I could give him. I know there will be times I'll miss him so much (he's my best friend after all) I'll regret leaving the marriage. I know I'll see photos of him happy in love with another women and children that he wants soo badly and I'll think I could have been her. I can literally imagine that day now. But I'll know deep in my heart that that women could never have been me and I could not fulfill him the way he needed or even imagined. Eventually everyone will find their place but it's not fair for you and it's not fair for him. People might not see it now but they will eventually. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry for any errors. My eyes are soo dry, working very late, and looking at this tiny print. Anyway good luck again
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