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Cheating on My Boyfriend with Two Older Men....

 
 
Reply Mon 17 Jul, 2017 09:43 pm
Wanted to get this story off of my chest, because I literally have never told anyone and it's eating away at me. I am 27. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He is an absolute catch and the best thing that has ever happened to me. Physician, caring, respectful...my parents love him and so do I. We have discussed marriage and children, and this is approaching very soon.

However, for all of the two years...I have been keeping up two secret relationships with older men. Just for some background, my parents have been married for 35 years and my father is an amazing man and has always been in my life so no I don't have daddy issues. For some reason I have always had a curiosity or interest in much older men. Although curious, I never really acted on it. I think every beautiful young woman in her twenties gets hit on by older men...so I never thought much of it.

On one occasion I was at a concert with a friend and we were backstage and I met an amazing (not married) 53 year old ...I was 23. We instantly connected and chatted the whole night--exchanged phone numbers, and have been inseparable ever since. He is apart of the crew that travels with a very popular musical artist so he is always on the road. I found myself traveling to see him and having very lustful and memorable sexual interactions every chance I got. It was so fun and different. We still keep in touch until this day and still have a strong connection. He cares about me deeply as I care about him. We understand each others situation (he is aware I am with someone). When we met I was lonely and in grad school so I was looking for some excitement, my situation is totally different now and I really don't need to be with him...but can't find it in my self to break it off.

The other secret relationship is with a man that is .... I can imagine the amount of disdain and judgement I will get from this...but he is currently 68. After grad school I went back home to live with my parents while I searched for a job. I took a temporary job at a state department while I searched for something better. The job went well and I worked with all older people. Everyone was so impressed with my maturity and work style...including the director of the agency. I noticed that he would take extra attempts to make sure he saw me throughout the day. He supervises over 100 workers so I was surprised he was even worried about a temporary person that would only be there 6 weeks max. I received a job offer about 5 days after working at the agency so I was set to leave even before I got settled. On my last day, I was called into the director's office for an "exit interview". I was thinking I have only worked here 5 days why would you care about my opinion on the agency. But during this time...we talked and really had an amazing conversation--we connected on inexplainable levels. Exchanged thoughts about books we have read and social viewpoints during this chat. I left feeling very refreshed after our conversation. After leaving, I sent him an email with my contact information per his request. After that we exchanged email after email about ideas, books, and just anything we found fascinating. We connected on this intellectual level that was unlike anything I have ever experienced. He requested to see me again for lunch before I left to go move to another part of the state for my new job. I was excited thinking this guy could be a great mentor for me. We exchanged phone numbers and he called me first to schedule the lunch...but it quickly began to start our 2-3 hour long conversations. We have continued this for 3 years straight. I met him for lunch and ended up heading back to his hotel room (I knew better) and having sex with him for hours. It was one of most passionate sexual experiences I have ever had. This was a first for both of us. We only get to see each other maybe once or twice a year (in which we always have sex) and we carry on phone conversations almost every day.

I have carried on both of these relationships for 3-4 years and although they don't mean the same thing to me as when I first started these situations I am having trouble moving beyond this. I feel like the worst person in the world and honestly don't even have an explanation as to why these things are happening.

I really need to move on ...so I can build a life with my amazing boyfriend. I feel like an absolutely horrible person and the thing is I cannot talk to anyone about this because no one would EVER expect anything like this from me. I have always been a "goody two shoes" as everyone calls it. I have never been in trouble, never ever been involved in anything like this. That's why I really need someone to hear me out...I have gotten so far into this whole mess of a thing...I am struggling to even move beyond this.
 
tibbleinparadise
 
  3  
Reply Mon 17 Jul, 2017 10:53 pm
@CountryGirl08,
You probably should seek some professional counseling before moving any further with any of the relationships. Given how long term all of them are, it's going to be challenging to simply move past any of them.

No judgement on the older gentleman. My best friend (35) is dating a guy that's 70ish. They have a great time, have been together for about two years now, and are currently on a cross country vacation for about a month.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 06:21 am
This will all resolve itself in 10 years, but do you want to take the chance?

You could lose your amazing guy if he finds out - and that will come, believe me.

Have you thought about why you just can't seem to let these guys go? Are they buying you stuff? Do you see them as some kind of emotional mentors or wise in some way? Are they handsome and rich? There's got to be SOMETHING that holds you to them, at your BF's expense.

Just think about the consequences.

If you have decided that you can't give up these "side" things, then let your guy go. He deserves your undivided attention.

TomTomBinks
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 06:42 am
@CountryGirl08,
No judgements about the older men, you're a free individual and can do what (and who) you like. The fact that you can't end these relationships when you are engaged is the problem. It's not that you can't, you most certainly can, it's that you don't want to.
It's not fair to your fiancée. Before you marry you should either resolve the situations or tell him.
These men are giving you something that your fiancée isn't or can't. Figure out what that is. My guess is that because they are older and you are apparently beautiful, they "worship" you in a way a younger man probably wouldn't.
Maybe counseling is a good idea. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 07:36 am
@PUNKEY,
I would add that these 'amazing' intellectual experiences can be achieved in a classroom setting - although they probably wouldn't be spiked with the flattery that is a part of these encounters, I suspect. This is ego-stroking, writ large, for the OP and both of the older guys.

The second one in particular has no boundaries. BTW, if he's looking for flings with temps, he's probably done it before - and since.

I agree with the counseling idea.

I would also say, though, there are ultimately two choices, if the fiancé is as truly beloved as the OP claims:

1. Bust the older guys to friends (or, better, block them both), come clean about the communications with the fiancé (and probably the sex, too, but certainly the attention and communication and all the time that's been invested) and let the chips fall where they may.

or

2. Give the ring back.

Why? Because either one would be an act of love to this 'amazing' fiancé. Either tell the guy what he's getting himself into - and try to give him your fullest attention and do your best to make it work, or free him to love someone who will. This in-between bullshit is unfair to him.
CountryGirl08
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 10:33 am
@PUNKEY,
I ageee with looking at reasons why I cannot let these two guys go....the money is not an issue as my boyfriend makes 4-5 times what either of them makes. I think I enjoy how wise the 68 yr old is, and how much he knows about life. He would have made a great mentor but abused that when we slept together.

I have decided that I will let both of them go and can be as easy as blocking their number because both live 5+ hours away from me and never make visits to my actual place.

I agree my boyfriend deserves my undivided attention. Do you think we could eventually work if I gave up both men and only focused on my bf. Such as do you think I should tell him even if I vow to myself to never speak to them again?

Because I definitely knw the relationship would be over should I tell my bf all the details of these two relationships. Which is a consequence unfortunately of my actions but not something I am looking forward to doing.
CountryGirl08
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 10:40 am
@jespah,
Agreed with the ego stroking I think that our relationships are sooo very different than our reality is why it makes it so unique. With the 68 year old this is his first time doing something like this and I am very sure this is the case because of his reluctance.

I have not gotten engaged yet, know this does not change the fact that what I am doing to my boyfriend is wrong. So no ring involved.

This has been going on for so long alot of our convos and connections are more friendship like. But I know it would never work as jus friends and think it is wise to end it all together.

Counseling never crosssed my mind but when looking at this situation from afar it is really messed up and will definitely help to talk to someone from an outside party.

Thank you everyone for not treating me like the monster I know I am !!!
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 10:57 am
@CountryGirl08,
I would not tell BF. End these relationships quickly and final. No friendship talks or any kind of contact. Tell them both you are getting married. They will be wise enough to step back and end it completely.

If you CAN'T end it with one or both of these guys then you must let your BF go.

You must be warned that there are always these kinds of men around. They enjoyed the whole scenario - adoring, sexy 27 year old ego builder who demanded nothing long-term or complicated.

Now you have a young man who is going to require exclusity and commitment from you and a focus on the relationship. Are you going to be up for that?
0 Replies
 
k32
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jul, 2017 09:06 pm
@CountryGirl08,
Gently, i'm sorry for the position you find yourself in, i can only tell you what i would do and perhaps help you understand that ''there is no bad in good and no good in bad''. People all to often claim a gray area to things, especially when they are too weak to do what's right, the choice you make is either Black or White, all that follows thereafter you could conceive of as shades of gray if you wish, but don't allow yourself to be fooled by those with bad intentions. Ask yourself how you would like to be manipulated and lied to by the very person you thought you could trust more then anyone else, this is essentially the position your boyfriend is in, the only different's being that everyone except him knows he is being betrayed, this is incredibly cruel and humiliating. If you will only put yourself in his shoes it would dawn on you that what you are doing is as evil as it get's, inherently selfish, and no good will come of it. You may think you are getting away with it, but this couldn't be further from the truth, if you want a successful and lasting relationship with your boyfriend, then you must commit yourself to him as he is committed to you. A lasting relationship is build with trust, honesty, open and honest communication, also allowing yourself to be vulnerable with him. I cannot stress enough how important honesty is, if you want your relationship to stand a chance it is absolutely essential that you tell him the truth, and i don't mean bits and pieces, i mean the full truth, by doing this you are allowing him to make his own decision, this is a Major step in the right direction, it also shows him that despite what you have done against him you still respect him, that is huge for a man, and no doubt for woman as well. I think you already know that telling him the truth is the right thing to do, but you were and are still hoping that perhaps lying and cheating can somehow be a good thing, that will never happen. Last of all, the two older men you have been deceiving you boyfriend with ( they are accomplices ) are in fact a pack of Fools, not wise by any standard and by their actions it is obvious they most likely will Never become wise. Sorry but they are fools, not wise men, a wise men would never deprive the great potential of a youth for self gain, this is what they are doing, taking advantage of you and your boyfriend, of your youth, your innocence, your boyfriends innocence, using their knowledge for pure self gain, i can tell you that any real wise men would say the same. If your father knew i guess he would probably strike them down for being the bastards they are. Please get away from them, do not allow yourself to be used any longer and tell your boyfriend everything, EVERYTHING, don't get defensive, allow him to be upset, angry, allow him to make his own decision, and don't run from him, learn from this experience, don't deny yourself this knowledge. Right now everything looks dark, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just don't give up, there will be many people telling you what you want to hear, just remember that for every one person speaking from the heart, there will be 100 speaking from their ego. Please be strong and stand upright, don't be afraid of what might be, as long as you do what's right you will always shine bright, and so will your future.

I so hope that my words resonate with you, and that you and your boyfriend will create a ever lasting bond together. Truth and honest Countrygirl08

0 Replies
 
Garibaldi59
 
  1  
Reply Mon 2 Oct, 2017 09:46 am
@CountryGirl08,
You're damaged goods. Hope your boyfriend finds out before he makes the mistake of marrying you.
0 Replies
 
bigmike43
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Oct, 2017 04:30 am
@CountryGirl08,
Sorry but you a cheat Hussy with no heart that does not deserve that man shes with. You dont know how you got here? you been juggling 3 men for 4 years that takes work. You have no right to marry this man he deserves better then you because you will not stop even after your married. said my peace
0 Replies
 
bigmike43
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Oct, 2017 04:32 am
@jespah,
AMEN
0 Replies
 
Southernplus40
 
  2  
Reply Thu 26 Oct, 2017 12:27 pm
@CountryGirl08,
I assume that your boyfriend nurtures the idea that you two are exclusive and the discovery of these relationships would be a deal breaker for him?
If in fact he is faithful to you now and your significant contribution to the relationship is a lack of reliable and honest fidelity, you are in fact engaged in an ongoing lie . Imagine he marries you and you become pregnant with his child; will you go to one or both of your lovers during your pregnancy.? Will you go to them as a lactating mother? Your wonderful boyfriend deserves better than the truly trampy behavior this is and will become. What a deceitful person you are!
0 Replies
 
 

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