I am afraid i'm going to lose my marriage over this.

Well, you don't give us much information as to how long you've been married and if you have children? Did your wife work before? Is she contributing to the family financially? Since we don't have much info, I'll give you generic terms: It always takes two to tango, a marriage should be a 50/50 union in every aspect. That translates to both contributing financially, both sharing chores, both sharing childcare (if you have any), and both be there emotionally for the other.

I suggest you sit down with your wife and start talking what bothers her and what bothers you and see if you can arrive at some solution that suits you both. Communication is the key to everything!
Good luck!

Not all marriages can be saved, and not all marriages should be. If you can accept this, it will make it much easier to make rational decisions. Often leaving a marriage that isn't working turns out to be the best for everyone involved. It isn't healthy for you to be completely dependent on your family... this isn't the way to a good marriage.

My advice would be to get into counseling. Get yourself some counseling... it will help you to get a third party opinion about what is reasonable (which is difficult when you are in the middle of a problematic marriage). You might want to insist that your wife join you for marriage counseling. It takes two people to work on a marriage... you can't do it all by yourself.

You have every right to set a budget and to stick to it, particularly if you are making all of the money.

Sorry about the lack of details, we have been married for 5 years and have 2 boys right now, oldest is 2 and the younger one is 6 weeks.(this is one of the stress factors).

My wife worked up until the point in our relationship when we moved in together. The day after I moved in she quit her job and hasnt worked since. She has "attempted" to work, I have backed her on every endeavor she wanted to go on to find the right job, paid for courses and then she will drop out and not mention anything about it until I ask 3 months after the fact.

The issue isnt communication its my ability to hear her complaints and take action on them, I get so caught up in everything else in our lives I almost forget I am married. I need to re prioritize but have hard time doing this so I guess I am just coming here for attention and an outlet to vent to at my own downfalls.

This doesn't sound reasonable. A good marriage is equal... does she hear your complaints and take action on them? (Actually, I can't see "hearing complaints" as a part of a relationship I would want to be a part of, but if it were it should at least be equal.).

Recognize that childcare is a job unto itself. Forget what happened earlier. According to Payscale, a childcare worker makes around (at the median) $9.82/hour, and your wife is undoubtedly working off the clock, so it's beyond 8 hours and it includes weekends.

Let's say she works 10 (there's a round number). She could be easily putting in a 70-hour week in childcare, particularly as your children are so young and they probably want Mommy all the time or most of the time. That's $687.40 (no taxes taken out) you are saving every week because she is a stay at home mom.

Also known as $35,744.80 per year because she doesn't get two weeks of vacation like you do.

This is not to say that you do not contribute to childcare. Perhaps you do 100% of the time when you are at home, but she is still putting in 8-10 hours at least Monday through Friday because you are out working or commuting.

So don't say she doesn't work. If she was at a job, you would be paying someone else to do that.

But still sit down and talk. Discuss everyone's expectations, including what will happen when your younger son can go to pre-K or the like. Will your wife be expected to work part-time? Or are you going to want to have another kid? Or something else?

Talk about spending, too. Many, many marriages have fights over money. Have a discussion. Be frank about the bills. Mortgage (or rent), utilities, food, and clothing (for kids who are probably growing out of their clothes pretty fast, and will for a few years) are not really negotiable.

Talk about where you can cut spending, and it may be for things like you taking a lunch or riding the bus, or giving your younger son hand me downs from the elder and picking up some of his clothing at Goodwill or from swaps with other parents if you can swing that. Maybe you can cut cable or drop your landline if you pretty much only use cell phones, and don't get the latest.

Do you have subscriptions you don't really read? Then read them online and ditch the newspaper and magazines which only clutter up your house, anyway.

Switch from soda to water (it's better for everyone, anyway). See if you can make more food from scratch rather than prepared (you might want to invest in a slow cooker; they are awesome for this, very easy to use, and require nearly no attention).

What I am saying is, approach this as a partnership, and that includes acknowledging the very real contribution that childcare is. I am not saying you are 100% in the wrong at all - just don't forget that what she is doing has a real value, too.

This is politically motivated nonsense! The issue here is whether the wife is spending beyond the means of the family. This has nothing to do with the ridiculous feminist analysis of the economic utility of a stay at home mom.

The real issue is whether the husband can set reasonable limits for the good of the family. The political bullshit is irrelevant (of course I will indulge anyway).

I live on my own and have custody of my daughter 50% of the time (meaning that I wash the clothes, clean the house, help with homework, enforce bedtime, etc. etc.). No one pays me any portion of $687.40. She is my daughter... I don't worry about pay. In a marriage with two parents... the mom should be responsible for half of that anyway (since it is money for her own children). These types of calculus are nonsense.

I agree that stay at home moms have economic utility (I don't think anyone disputes this), and I understand the idea that men who are the only earners shouldn't control all of the money.

The myth is that this has ever been the case. Women, White women in particularly, have had great economic influence. In the 1950s (before the woman's liberation movement of the 1970s) women were targeted in advertisements... White women were considered key to marketing products because it was they who were making the buying decisions.

Now we have more of an ideal of "equality", but it isn't equality. If the work done by women is hyped up, and the work done by men (including work raising children and maintaining a home) is devalued, this is no longer equality, it is a political ideology of virtuous women and inadequate men.

In my opinion, the family acts as an economic unit. Once you start assigning economic value to members of a family... the marriage is pretty much screwed anyway and you might as well get a lawyer now. Each person works for the good of the family (whether that be earning a paycheck or taking care of the children). And each person needs to spend with the family in mind.

If one person in a marriage is spending too much money, that is a problem.

Sorry, Jespah.

But, as a father this part really upsets me. You are perpetuating gender stereotypes of a kind that are somehow excepted by modern society. The fact is, fathers are parents.

When I was married, I worked and my wife didn't. I came home and took care of my daughter. I changed diapers. I helped her learn to walk. I read to her almost every night. I taught her to read. On the weekends I carried her around strapped to my chest (something that fathers enjoy quite a bit). The assumption in your post is that fathers do nothing. Go out on the MBTA on any weekend summer day and you will see fathers with strollers, fathers with kids in tow fathers playing ball.

Your stereotype couldn't be more wrong. The assumption that women are virtuous and men are clods isn't helpful in giving advice to people in a marriage.

Fathers are parents. If we truly want an equal society that we need to recognize this.

You actually told a father that children "want mommy all of the time". That is bullshit!

Oh please, I never said fathers weren't parents. I never said they were clods or anything of the sort. I also never said women were virtuous. Quit seeing words where they aren't there.

All I said was that she is there during the day. Period. And yes, they want Mommy a lot. Why? Because if she is nursing in particular, then they are going to want her. And since she is there a lot during their waking hours, they may want her more. And I said probably - I'm willing to admit I could be wrong here. Are you?

I am also trying to get them to sit down and talk about their finances. Is the wife overspending? Neither of us really know that, now, do we? We only know what the OP has told us - and a good chunk of what he is talking about he admits is groceries. Or is she not supposed to spend anything on those?

I am outta here. I apologize to the OP if I have misunderstood your issues. The rest of it stands.

We both agree that they should sit down and talk about their finances. I have no problem with that, in fact I went further and suggested counseling if they are fighting every night.

I object to the political nonsense about a parent taking care of his or her children being a job. Given the OP I see no reason for you to have injected this. The OP made no suggestion that the money of the family wasn't to be shared equally. The rhetoric you were using comes with quite a bit of political baggage that does minimize the role of fathers.

I don't suppose you have raised children. In most families, children want to spend time with their fathers. Even when they are nursing, daddy time is important to young children and children will ask for it. Sure, we don't know about this specific family... but I know quite a bit about the importance of the relationship of father and children.

I work from home AND take care of my four year old. Watching a kid all day is a damn job, it's work, it's stressful at times, it's fun at times. That's why people pay someone else to do it...it's work. There is no politics about it.

P.s. I'm a guy and conservative.

That's a fine example Tibble. Have you ever assigned a dollar value for the work you spend with your kids? And (more importantly) have you ever brought up this type of calculation when talking to your wife about money?

In functional marriages that I have seen, money tends to be common and decisions are made by both people involved... not mine and yours, but ours. I would be interested to hear if your experience is different.

I have also spent quite a bit of time watching my child. I have never considered it to be a job.

I don't assign a dollar value to it because it's between me, myself, and I. If somebody was busting my balls because I stayed at home and didn't add to the income of the household my response would be, "Fine, I'll work outside the home, WE can pay for child care, and see how it affects the family finances." Around here, even a mid level job would barely offset the cost of decent child care, and then you're paying somebody else to raise your kid and just cross your fingers they don't **** it up.

Watch your child every single day, all day, no holidays, no vacations, and get back to me on whether or not it's work. I don't mind it all, he's my son, it's my responsibility to raise him, but I don't like the job I'm doing marginalized.

You really do this? Your wife doesn't help you at all? I think you are overselling your case a little bit. And no one is busting your balls anyway. If your wife isn't helping at all, and if you aren't getting any time to yourself... then you are getting screwed. Tell me if that is actually what is happening. Do you really not get any time to yourself?

I do have a child 50% of the time (she is with me right now) and when I have her she is my sole responsibility. Honestly, for the most part, kids take care of themselves much of the time. You have to give them some attention, but I have never had much trouble working with my child at home. That is not to say it doesn't an effort... but it isn't work for me at least.

But that isn't the point in this thread.

The OP is a husband whose wife is spending money. When he tried to talk to her, she attacks him (if the genders were reversed, this would seem like abuse). The knee-jerk response is to justify the wife's behavior based on the assumption that the man was doing something wrong.

If your wife thinks you are spending too much money, and instead of working things out you are insulting her when she tries to talk to you about this.... then this thread applies to your situation.

Tell me if that is the case. Otherwise your story may be noble... but it is rather irrelevant to the Thread at hand.

My wife either lays in bed with "chronic back pain" or "depression" or "anxiety / panic attacks" or is just knocked out with meds for any combination of the above. So yes, I pretty much watch my son all the time. My mom and dad help a little, but they are both in their 70's and he wears them out quick. I do get some time to myself, usually between 9:00pm and whenever I go to bed.

I apologise for being touchy about the topic, I do feel a little screwed sometimes, and my situation isn't similar to the OP. I do feel that a stay at home parent deserves credit for the work they put in though and that work should not be marginalized IF they are being productive while at home.

No problem. In these threads, there is a narrative is that women do all this work that men don't appreciate. This is a ideological narrative that is brought up even when it doesn't fit the facts (as in this case). I was reacting to the knee-jerk response.

I never meant to argue that a stay at home parent deserves credit. Rather I was objecting to the implication that marriage problems are always fit into these basic politically convenient scripts even when the facts don't warrant it.

I absolutely respect that you raising your kid without the normal support. It would be difficult if I didn't have the time when my daughter goes with her mom. And I agree with you that stay at home parents deserve all the credit and support.

It does get easier. As kids get older they need less constant attention.

Be OPEN and HONEST.
In my situation all I really wanted was for my husband to talk to me again.

Tell her what you expressed here :

I do not know how to change myself for my wife.
(let her know this, tell her that you want things to get better)

We are currently going through some very challenging life events and the stress levels are high. I am currently the only one bringing money into the household and we are struggling financially, so I feel as though it is my fault that we are broke.
( open up to her about this and let her know that you don't mean to take things out on her. let her know that you currently feel like the burden is all on you)

All the mean while my wife spent $700 on random items, $140 of it was for groceries but we had agreed to discus s it prior to spending any money.
( let her know that you need her support, both financially and emotionally)

As of right now we are arguing almost every night about everything we can think of.
( let her know that it hurts that you love her and that you dont want to argue. just telll her how you feel about this)

Specific she says that I dont show enough emotion for my family and for her, she feels as though I dont care at all about any of them and that I treat her like a child when she has an emotional breakdown, which I will admit I do sometimes. (I need to stop doing this)
( acknowledge this to her. let her know that you do hear her and you will tryto do your part. reasure her of the love that you feel for her and your family. remind her that you chose her and that you still do)

I am looking for some advice on how to show her that I care, I care deeply for my family, they are the only solid thing I have in my life and I probably wouldnt survive without them.
( omg , definitely tell her this. its very sweet. let her know that you want to show her that you care but right now you dont know how . ask her how to.)

Please help I dont want to lose this marriage.

( tell her this )


honestly you know what to say. sometimes its just hard to find the words to tell the person that we care about. dont be afraid to be vulnerable. remind her that she is your person, your best friend. Start by talking. Just say everything you wrote here to her. Just be careful not to accuse her of things because then things will naturally get defensive. Just say " sometimes I feel and not "well you doing this doesn't help".

you feel like all the financial responsibility falls on you and she probably feel s the same about the household responsibilities. remind her that you guys are in this together. you chose eachother for this adventure. let her know what little things could make things easier for you , let her know what you need from her. Also , make sure that you ask her how you can ease her burden and what little things could make a huge difference for you.

good luck

Thank you for that, we have been working on just talking now and not attacking each other. Things are seem like they are already getting better, I know it's going to take time to fully mend the fences. I just feel like I'm on the right track now. So thank you to everyone who replied to the thread and I appreciate the help.

-Jared