14
   

My mother is freaking out on me

 
 
Lvsf
 
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 08:41 am
I'm 20 years old and my boyfriend is 22. Long story short, I'm a virgin (or was) my parents are super strict and had given me a chastity ring when I was maybe 14. anyway, We've been dating for 2 months and honestly I never felt so comfortable with someone and I just felt ready so we had sex. I told my mom the next day by giving her the ring and she flipped. Told me how I'm now worthless to any man, hows shes so disappointed in me she can't even look at me and how now that my boyfriend has taken my virginity hes going to leave me and we'll never be anything because I whored myself and all this really hurtful stuff. She's even saying since I want to act like an adult she should kick me out and act the way I'm acting somewhere else. I don't know what to do she's freaking out and now shes making me scared that he might leave me and she's making me second guess myself, making me feel like I honestly devalued myself. Its not like I'm a kid, I am 20 .. I just don't know what to do, honestly I just feel so upset, I didn't want to disappoint her but I also felt ready. what do I do?
 
Shnhrnnn
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:29 am
@Lvsf,
For 2 months you have a sex with him?
chai2
 
  7  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:41 am
The most important question is, did you use birth control?

Moving on. Was he a virgin as well? If you had sex with him, are his mother and father freaking out and telling him that he is worthless, that no woman will want him, and that you will now leave him?

You are now a 20 year old. If you're in the U.S. you are a legal adult. An important lesson that many people learn around your age is that you don't have to tell mommy and daddy every single thing you do, and that is not keeping secrets from them. That is privacy, and not discussing things that are not someone elses business.

The difference between giving a girl of 14 a piece of metal to wear around her finger, and making her promise to never ever do anything naughty until she's a virgin bride, and an adult woman who responsibly makes her own decisions about her own sexuality is huge.

It's unfortunate your mother doesn't appreciate you are able to make your own choices, and has a double standard for sexual behavior.
Lvsf
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:49 am
@Shnhrnnn,
No we waited 2 months
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:52 am
@Lvsf,
Lvsf wrote:
I told my mom the next day by giving her the ring


why in the world are you - an adult woman - talking about your sexual activity with your mother ? especially when you know she would not be onside with what you did

__

have you talked to the person you had sex with about this?
Shnhrnnn
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:53 am
@Lvsf,
But you doesn't make a baby?? Or you have??
0 Replies
 
Lvsf
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:54 am
@chai2,
Yeah I did use birth control and a condom it was completely safe. Hes not at all, hasn't been for a while. I just told her to be honest with her, I thought it would be okay to tell her not really thinking she'd fly off the wall. She just has this whole thing on values and how I should wait till I have a ring on my finger but thats not realistic and She refuses to talk to me like a grown adult right now, and keeps making snide remarks.
Lvsf
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:59 am
@ehBeth,
because I thought it would be okay to be honest with her - clearly a huge mistake and yeah I did I feel bad for him cause its just unneeded stress
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 09:59 am
@Lvsf,
Lvsf wrote:
She just has this whole thing on values and how I should wait till I have a ring on my finger but thats not realistic


people do it all the time
there is a former poster who waited til she was married - at 30 - to have sex

it wasn't how I was raised but not everyone sees sex as a natural, healthy activity for adults

__

if you wanted her to buy in , you probably should have spent some time talking to her about your plans beforehand - let her know your thought process, help her understand why you think/thought it was the right thing to do

giving her the ring afterward? uncool
celebritydiscodave
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:04 am
@Lvsf,
Look for what`s positive in terms of her perspective. How many girls do you know that managed to remain virgins until this late age, likely few, if indeed any at all? If few, then even if only by your mom`s personal perspective you have done comparatively very well. She is likely frustrated that his alleged love has not been given time to be adequately tested. I would likely have the same concern, for it can be all too easy to keep a relationship on track which has not as yet been significantly tested. Bare this in mind too, psychopaths are the absolute masters of deception, and then of course it is too late, one is trapped. Holding back on sexual activity is likely the penultimate test for genuine love. Most romantic love for most of the time tends to being either erotic or of self, self love. Self love is of course the nearest thing to hate.

Only your boyfriend himself is capable, or not, of reassuring your mother. Never be fooled into thinking that genuine love requires any sexual activity to be communicated. Some of the urgency to make a home with a girl may be undermined should sex be already freely available to him. You are not a bad person at all, and the fact that you are questioning your actions here rather than simply rebelling demonstrates you to be among the very best.
Lvsf
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:05 am
@ehBeth,
I spent the last month talking to her about this and trying to get her to see that I was comfortable and wanted to. She seemed totally fine, and rational about the whole situation. When I told her it was like a bomb went off in her rational side I have no idea. I gave it to her the next day, I thought you know I'd just give it to her, just rip off the band aid and get it over with. I did not think that she would be this harsh or threaten to kick me out. I don't feel like this situation is fair because if it was my brother they wouldn't bat a an eye
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:09 am
@Lvsf,
Did you and the guy talk about the ring beforehand? did he understand your family's expectations?
Lvsf
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:09 am
@celebritydiscodave,
The thing is I did test him on my part, I told him I wanted to wait a year and he was completely fine with that. A lot of the times he would even stop anything that was happening and say he was okay with waiting and he didn't want me to feel pressured. I think that was one of the reasons that I was so comfortable was because I honestly knew he would wait as long as I made him wait. I just hate that my mom is being so cruel when I just wanted to try to be honest. I understand that our family is religious and all but saying I'm devalued and she can't look at me? Thats just beyond hurtful.
0 Replies
 
Lvsf
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:11 am
@ehBeth,
Yes, for sure he even encouraged me to give it back to my parents and maintain the honesty. He says my mom is right to be upset because we should have waited longer, but that he has no regrets on his part because what happened, happened and its a part of life.
Below viewing threshold (view)
Lvsf
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:22 am
@celebritydiscodave,
No shes only been with my father and they've been married for over 25 years. and he has no problems with coming over or talking to her but like this is ridiculous, I wouldn't even want to come over after this **** storm
0 Replies
 
celebritydiscodave
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:23 am
@Lvsf,
What is part of your lives must be for the two of you to decide. It is not unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to try and reassure your mother because she is threatening to put your well being on the line. How might she of reacted had he of been twenty years your senior!! You could ask her, it might bring her back down to earth, it might help her get a handle on herself. Rest assured, she is totally over reacting. Her over reaction should not compromise you. Ask you father to give your mom that message.
Lvsf
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:25 am
@celebritydiscodave,
Yeah thats very true, and oh jeez I don't even want to think about what would happen
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:30 am
@Lvsf,
You must have had some idea what your mother's reaction would have been. Why would you announce the loss of your cherry so theatrically? She gave you that ring and you threw it back in her face with a smirk. When she blew up it can't have been much of a surprise.

Yes, you're an adult, and you can do what you want with your body, and no, you're not ruined for men. (I would be very wary of anyone who insisted their future spouse be a virgin anyway, too much of a control freak.) And don't for one second think I have any sympathy for your mother, but you can't deliberately set off a confrontation and not take part of the blame for what ensues.

She will always be your mother, and how your relationship develops is down to you, but it's still going to be a relationship. I would try to be a bit more tactful, if you know someone has a hair trigger don't try to set them off.
celebritydiscodave
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 17 Jun, 2017 10:34 am
@Lvsf,
Anything can happen - I housed one girl whom had been the property of a psychopath from the age of fourteen, and another that was abused by her step father and then her boyfriend in turn. If your mom has had no overtly negative experience in her relationships it is hard to imagine where this level of reaction is coming from.
 

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