Fri 2 Jun, 2017 11:21 am
I am a woman in my late 20s. I am married. My husband has been the love of my life. He was picture perfect since the beginning. He is the most handsome guy ever (has been approached several times by modeling agencies) he has a strong personality, and is an alpha, which is what I like, highly intelligent, intellectual etc. We have a lot of mutual interests.
However I feel like he showed a certain side of himself in the beginning because he knew thats what I liked, and since then he has changed and doesnt show that side to himself anymore.
For the past two years of our relationship I have not been happy. He has been more and more controlling over me and my life. I was his first serious relationship, and it has been hard for him to understand the idea of being equal partners in a relationship. Being used to be a leader etc, he finds it very difficult to understand other peoples point of view.
I feel lonely and like he does not really see me or appreciate me and the efforts I make for us. I have different needs than he does. In order for me to feel attracted to anyone I have to feel extremely emotionally close to someone. Great communication, empathy, and interest in my emotions is really essential for me in order to even want to be intimate.
This has resulted in us not at all having sexual relations for over a year, because I do not want to be intimate with him. Before this we also had issues in our sex life, because I felt like he wasnt very romantic or attentive to my emotions.
On top of this, my husband has verbally and emotionally abused me. He has even gotten to the point several times where he holds me still so I cant move and screams directly at my face, and I have been afraid several times that it might escalate, but he has never hit me.
On one side he does everything for me. Regarding working hard, providing for us, being there to fix things if Im sick etc I can always count on him that he is there and takes care of me and makes sure everything goes well.
However, emotionally the situation is quite different.
I have felt embarrassed to talk about my issues in my marriage, because all my friends and family adore my husband and like I said he is picture perfect.
Recently I met a man who is a bit older than me. He was very comfortable to be around and very kind and sincere. I felt like he always noticed how I was feeling and he always was so caring, like he was the only person who really saw me. For some reason I started opening up to him about my issues in my marriage.
Other men might have taken advantage of such a situation, telling me to leave my husband, or making sexual or romantic advances towards me. This man has done neither, but has selflessly been giving me advice against his own best interest (I know that he wants to be with me)
I have never met a man like this. He is so extremely insightful about himself and his own thoughts and emotions, so emotionally mature, honest and attentive. I find myself looking at him thinking he would be an amazing husband and father. I know I have developed deeper emotions for him, and considering that I have only known him for a very short time, I dont know how my feelings will progress in the future.
This sounds very bad but I daydream about being touched by him. I just feel like it would be a completely different experience than with my husband. (I saved myself for marriage so my husband is my only sexual experience) I feel like he would be so attentive to my needs and it would be so much more romantic.
However I know that I am a person who daydreams about people a lot. I am a hopeless romantic and sometimes Im floating on a pink cloud. It has happened several times in my life that I met a boy who I fantasized about because I thought he was different than what he turned out to be. However... I feel like this situation with this man is so different. I have never had a more honest and mature connection with anyone, where I feel I can show every side to me.
My closeness with this man progressed to the point where he has been all Ive been thinking about and I started thinking about going away with him somewhere. So yesterday I told him I need to cut contact with him for a while and just focus on myself without his help. He responded that he will give me space and not contact me, just making it clear that the reason he wont contact me is because of this, and that he is still always there if I need something.
Is this real what I am feeling for this man? I am terrified that I will lose him although Im pretty sure I wont because I know how he feels. I certainly care about him and I would never want to hurt his feelings or give him false hope about something if I end up choosing to stay with my husband.
But the thing is, if I chose to be with this man, no matter how sincere and honest everything seems now, what if something would change in the future? What if it seems so much better now than what it would become?
What if this man would not be able to provide that practical safety that my husband has, or what if this man wouldnt be able to put up with my own bad behavior that my husband puts up with?
I feel like there might be essential things I could only figure out if I started an affair with this man.
I dont know Im very confused. Please help
Get counseling in order to create an exit strategy from your marriage. Your husband is abusing you. Full stop. I don't give a flying crap how pretty he is, and neither do your bruises.
Forget this other guy until you are well and gone from your marriage. Concentrate on saving yourself first.
Well he hasnt actually hit me like I said.. just held me still screaming etc and scaring me with sudden anger outbursts.
If I go to a counsellor of course my husband will know about it, although Im sure he would let me go to a counsellor if I said I wanted to. However it makes me uncomfortable because he would ask questions.
Also, We are renting a three floor house which is filled with my furniture and belongings. We are renting the house from a friend of my husband. If we were to split up and everything he would feel very humiliated for so many different reasons, as well as deeply hurt.
My problem is that I really dont know what the truth is anymore... Is my fear of him irrational and paranoid? And which is the real him? The one who deeply loves me and protects me? Or the other one? Which side to him do I listen to?
that will escalate. Its just a matter of time.
The fact that you're more worried about any face he may lose, versus making sure he stops yelling at you and doesn't start hitting you - that says a lot.
He does not have to know why you are going to counseling at all. You are entitled to privacy in that area.
Your husband exhibits some very disturbing characteristics. Yet you defend him and put his self worth above your own. (Really, you are worried about him saving face and what others think about dividing furniture?)
No wonder you have distracted yourself with this new guy- your knight in shining armor who makes you feel safe and actually listens to you. How helpless you must appear to him! He wants to rescue you because you play this vunerable damsel in distress role. Will he admire you any other way?
Put your big girl panties on and get some counseling for yourself because YOU dont feel good. No need to explain or report anything to husband or emotional lover either. You need to find yourself before you can make any decisions about these two men - neither of which see you as a capable, intelligent, resilient woman.
You seem very wise. I agree with you that this is up to me, I am responsible for my own life and I'm a grown woman.
However nothing is black and white. I know my husband has some disturbing characteristics but he also has some amazing ones.
Regarding the knight in shining armour, I agree that every mans dream is to save a helpless girl, thats absolutely true. Also maybe every girl wants to be saved. However, what me and him have goes deeper because we both share some unique interests and points of view on the world etc... I know he never met anyone like me before and I never met anyone like him. I dont want to go into details because I want to remain anonymous
But to sum it up, I agree with everything you are saying, but at the same time it feels more complicated...