How should I handle my wife betraying my trust again?

Forums: Marriage, Cheating, Affair
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So 5 and a half years ago my wife cheated on me with a guy that went to class with her in high school while we were dating and engaged. I caught her a few times sexting him during the early stages but I blew it off when she said there was nothing else and she would stop. She had been sleeping with him continually for about ten months and then they resorted to texting and only hanging out a few times when our daughter was born at the end of 2012. I'll add that she was still sleeping with him when she knew she was pregnant with my daughter. I always knew she had a thing for him but I never knew it went this far. I found out about all of this a year ago when she admitted (after trying to lie) she was on her on her knees with him in his house while on a visit home. During the resulting conversation she tried to lie about what happened 5 years ago, how many times it happened and whether they were still talking. She said they slept together once but it was actually 15 times over 10 months. We had a lot of long conversations about my feelings and how she regretted her actions and regretted lying to me. She promised she would block him on social media and never talk to him again. Against my better judgement I moved on for the most part. However, I found out recently that they have had several text conversations since September, she friended him on Facebook, had him block me, and had a nice conversation on the phone late at night as soon as I leave for work while she's laying in bed saying who knows what to him. She doesn't know that I know. I know that I'm going to confront her, I want to know when the best time is. Should I wait until we visit home next month for her high school reunion (where he will be) to see if she tries anything or should I do it now? Keep in mind that we've talked about this thoroughly and I've given her several chances to not talk to him and make amends with me. It's hard to keep it to myself but I feel like there might be a better opportunity later to put the nail in the coffin when there is better evidence. Also if somebody has a good creative way to confront her I would appreciate that. I'm in the navy about to go on my first deployment by the way.

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[+4] - jespah - 05/08/2017First of all, I am sorry this is happening. And this is, unfortunately, not the first time a soldier being deployed has been cheated on. It is a stressful situation no matter what. You already...

@JSSavage,

I've read your message and can only add that I feel your pain. I hope you're able to gather the strength you will need to confront her (directly and soon). It won't get any easier later on.

Lastly, thank you for your service to our country.

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@JSSavage,

First of all, I am sorry this is happening. And this is, unfortunately, not the first time a soldier being deployed has been cheated on. It is a stressful situation no matter what.

You already have all the information you need. And in the US, pretty much everywhere, you can get a no-fault divorce. You do not need to prove cheating. So cut that out. You're done doing that. Anything else you gather up would be for shock and punishment value, and to feed the drama.

Same thing with waiting around for some 'gotcha' moment with this guy. You have already become your wife's judge, jury, and executioner. No sense in waiting around for her to give him another BJ or whatever. I am not excusing her behavior at all but waiting for a 'gotcha' moment serves no purpose other than to punish and amp up the drama.

A divorce is drama and punishment enough.

So cut it out. And instead, quit focusing on how hurt and pissed off you are (and I am not saying you aren't justified in feeling either of those things), but instead concentrate on your daughter.

Build the best possible post-divorce life for her that you can, and that means not being a total dick to her mother, no matter what the mother deserves. Because your daughter, inevitably, is going to get older and is going to ask about the circumstances leading up to her parents' divorce. And you can take the high road and honestly tell her that you did all you could and you treated her mother with decency and respect and were shat on for your troubles, or you can tell her that you were petty, nasty, and vindictive. Or I suppose you could lie to your daughter.

Why wait? Why play games? Call your lawyer now (you should be able to get a referral from your base if you don't have a lawyer already). Tell your wife now - and nothing out of a movie - all you need to say is: "It's over. I want a divorce." Period. She will know damned well why you want one.

Everything else is just childish games and it makes you look bad. Want your daughter's respect? Then let an opportunity to be punitive and vindictive against her mother slip by in favor of what is best for your daughter, who is innocent in all of this mess.

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@JSSavage,

Plenty of good advice from others and I would urge you to confront her sooner rather than later and not try to add any additional drama to it.

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How should I handle my wife betraying my trust again?

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