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Thu 27 Apr, 2017 01:22 am
Hi, I don't even know where to begin.
Let's start with why I married my wife. I think I married my wife because I had low self esteem and basically because I'm a people pleaser. We planned for marriage a year in advance and about a month or two before the marriage date, I had intense doubts about our love and marriage (cold feet). I told her that I really cared about her but I never felt any real love for her the way couples are. I told her that I don't think the marriage will work, I won't be able to love her the way she should be loved and it is best to not get married. She burst into tears and I felt like the biggest a-hole in the world. She told me to leave so I won't feel bad seeing her cry. I felt really bad and even in her worse moment, she still cared about me. So, instead of leaving, I stayed and comforted her. She was relieved right away and told me to marry her and see how it goes. So, being the idiot and ignorance, I married her despite feeling like it might not work out. I even talked to a co-worker (who was divorced 3 times herself) and she told me to run away as fast as I can because I will be in misery and eventually get divorced. Needless to say I didn't listened to her advice either. And look what happened now... things are becoming miserable and painful for me.
Getting married to her has become my biggest regret and it is just painful for me to say that about my wife. Who really cares and loves me with all her heart. And to boot, we have two beautiful daughters together. Now I really can't get a divorce...
We have been married for 5 years now. I still feel like we are in a loveless marriage, I just go about my life pretending like I fine, but I'm a very depressed person who don't have any close friends to talk to. I do have a good job with great co-workers who I hang out occasionally. Worse yet, I constantly think about a girl who I felt intense connection and sparks with. I constantly get flash back when I was younger when she tried to talk to me before I got married. I remembered at a party when she asked me a question and talk but I was with my girlfriend (current wife) so I didn't proceed. We also danced and hugged before and I remembered how she was so scared and nervous of me, I was so nervous in front of her too. Now, I looked at her Facebook account to see what is she up to. Well, come to find out she now has a boyfriend, which she finally revealed on Facebook 2 years later. I know, I know, I tried to not look at her Facebook account but I just couldn't help myself. I thought maybe if she looked worse, maybe I could let her out of my mind. But it did the exact opposite, she is still as gorgeous as ever, and I imagine my life with her. So, now, I get these intense sharp pain in my heart knowing that I might have missed out on true love. I had this dream where I was with her and it was the happiest day of my life, I was never in this state of blissfulness with my wife. My life was so complete in that dream when I held her in my arms. And then I woke up, knowing that I am married to someone else and not her. I occasionally get dreams of her and of course, I wake up and get intense, deep pain. I also feel really bad because she must have found out that I got married before I even gave her a chance. I feel horrible thinking about how she must have felt, how painful it must have been because I am feeling it now. The terrible feeling like we will never be together because I am stuck in a marriage, I look at some of her pictures of her from behind looking into the distance. People commented on her picture why are you so sad, which guy struck your heart, etc, etc. So, I naturally imagine in my head that she must have been sad because of.... me. I don't know if it's me though.
Well, back to my wife. We sleep in separate bedrooms because I am a night owl and I also work different hours. Last time we had sex was over 1 and half years ago. Our rate of sex is about once a year. We used to have sex about once a month before we had kids, and every time we do, I feel like it was my duty and I had done my job, in other words, I didn't feel passion. I barely talk to her because honestly, I don't think she is on the same intelligence level. Whenever I go out in public, I am not proud to be with my wife, she isn't somebody who I look up to for help or advice. I get cringes when she talks to me because I am afraid that she will ask for help with something. The same way I get cringes when she tries to touch me as well. I don't call or text her to see how she is doing or what she is eating, etc. I don't share my achievements with her either because I don't feel proud telling her about it. Whenever I hear guys say that their wife or girlfriend motivates them, I just think, "man you are so lucky, I my wife de-motivates me, I just wish I had somebody that motivates me."
So, I have been reading advice online and listening to Dr Laura on the radio. Dr Laura, a lot of religious people and I guess old school folks believe that you should stay in the marriage and basically suffer the consequences because you have children. So, I'm thinking how do I fix thing marriage with so many things wrong with it. I am not perfect myself, I don't have friends, I have personal issues, I have self confidence issues, and life is just a pain, literally, I wake up and my heart hurts. I really, really hates to even say these things about my wife because she is a good person. She is not ugly or mean. She truly loves me and wants our marriage to work. She has agreed with whatever I wanted but I feel like I am missing out on things. I want to feel whole for once. I feel like I want to love somebody and care for them. I often think why I can't feel this way for my wife, who cares about me the most. She deserves to be loved and treated like she is a queen. I feel like a scumbag for not loving her but I just can't find myself doing it. I hug and kiss her sometimes but it is superficial, I just do it to make her happy. I have been sticking it out for the kids and it makes me feel like I am in jail. I am in deep depression and I just feel like this world is so cruel, that there is nothing good in this world for me. I cannot wait until the day that I die so I can beat the living crap out of all the demons and Satan for causing all this pain and misery, I cannot wait until the day that I die so I can finally fight the final battle.
First of all, this built-up fantasy of this girl from the past needs to be put at rest. You have ASSUMED that her "sad" attitude is because of you, but you did not have a real relationship with her, so how could that be? One incident of sparks is hardly the basis of a relationship. Besides, so much time has gone by, she is probably pining for another. Or maybe a depressed personality, whiner or spoiled. Who knows? Just because she's so pretty and acting vulnerable, you are caught up. Stop the lurking and fantasizing about the unknown.
Next, your marriage: You are unhappy, but it doesn't sound like your wife (SHE) is the reason. With two children, she does not have time to develop herself. Have you ever asked her what her future plans are (in terms of work, school, community involvement, etc) when the kids start school?
I would bet that your wife is unhappy, too. Have you ever asked her?
You seem unhappy with yourself, somewhat moody, aloof, and aren't getting enough attention - the way/kind you want.
I'd suggest a separation, but you need to get evaluated for depression, first. Your pessimistic attitude about her and your life in general is of concern.
Go to counseling, preferably with a male counselor. Then marriage counseling. But only if you want this to work.
@MakersWish,
I would recommend some counseling to address your own mental health. Once you start to get a handle there you and your wife could benefit from counseling as well, or a divorce, but action needs to be taken.
@PUNKEY,
Yep, I have depression for years now. I basically tick every check mark for a depressed person. I've lost everything in this world. All that I have is my wife, children and family. Life has a funny way showing you things and then take it away just for the hell of it. I don't understand the purpose of life. There must be a reason for existence, I'm born to lose. You should be eternally grateful if you have a happy life. Not everyone is created to be happy.
To add to what the others have said: please stop listening to Dr. Laura. She's full of ****.
Divorce exists for a reason. I personally think people with kids should at least give it the old college try because divorce can be hard on children. But staying together for the kids' sake is a flat-out lousy reason to stay wed.
Why? Because, by your example, you are teaching your children that marriage is a matter of enduring and barely tolerating an existence. You are most likely depressed (I am not a doctor), but do you really want them to experience you as their father in the default state of depression? Depression is a lot of chemical imbalance, but it doesn't help when you've been raised around it all your life. And as your children get older, they will know there is a problem in your marriage if they don't know it by now. You cannot hide this from them forever. They will figure it out.
Get some damned treatment. Go to your primary care physician and ask to be referred to a competent psychiatrist. Not a psychologist and not a therapist, but a psychiatrist, because, if necessary, a psychiatrist can prescribe medication. There is no shame for getting treatment for depression any more than there is shame in getting treatment for a broken leg.
But you also need to talk to an impartial professional. Partly to discuss this fantasy and how to break yourself of it (Punkey's right; you have just set up this elaborate fantasy and it's not doing you any good at all), but also to discuss where to go from here.
I would also advise you to get more involved in your daughters' lives. Give your wife a break at times. I don't care how you feel about your wife; I do hope to God you love your children, so please try to have a relationship with them. The side benefit will be to give your wife a break and perhaps she can do some things that make her happy.
One of the marks of maturity in life is that we suck it up at times. So get involved with your kids so your wife can have some times when she isn't caring for them (with five years of marriage and two children, I have got to assume your daughters are both preschoolers. Plus you didn't say anything about you caring for them. I am assuming your wife does all of the care, but if I am mistaken, kindly tell me). Do this as an act of love for your children if you cannot do it as an act of love or at least compassion for your wife.
And talk to your wife. She's probably miserable, too. Divorce, when it's amicable, can sometimes be the best thing for a couple. Not everyone is meant to stay together forever (BTW, I think her crying and whatnot when you threatened to leave during your engagement was an act of manipulation).
No matter what, forget your fantasy woman as she is as unavailable and fictitious as Wonder Woman. Concentrate on working to get yourself better and cut your wife some slack by connecting with your children. And whatever the endgame ends up being, put your children first as they are innocent in all of this.
@jespah,
I agree with Jespah (as I often do).
My advice would be to separate your own issues from you marriage as much as possible. Getting yourself some therapy for depression might help. It is difficult, since marriage is intertwined... but take care of yourself. You deserve the oppotunity to make your own life better.
I have a good experience with divorce. I am much happier, and my life started going much better, once I decided to end a marriage that clearly wasn't working for me. I can't speak for everyone... I struggled with a bad marriage for a few years. Then one day I decided to stop struggling and just move on. I moved out, got my own place and I haven't looked back.
Marriage counseling is only valuable if both people sincerely want to fix the marriage. Fixing a marriage involves a lot of work, and patience and compromise. You don't have to go through this. Before you waste your time, make sure that your wife is willing to do the work too.
If you don't want to be in the marriage, don't waste your time with marriage counseling. If she doesn't want to be in the marriage, don't waste your time with marriage counseling.
That being said, it does sound like you are struggling with depression (lots of us do). Talk therapy for yourself might be a very good thing... not for your marriage, but for you. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
'Not a psychologist and not a therapist, but a psychiatrist, because, if necessary, a psychiatrist can prescribe medication."
A good counseling center has both on staff. I would recommend a counselor versed in treating depression and men's issues.
A referral to the shrink on staff can then be done if the counselor thinks its clinical depression or situational depression.
Wow, thank you everyone for your support and advice. I can't tell you how much it means to me when people read my long story and understand.
My depression started over 10 years ago, I would say I have a rare condition that causes withdrawal from society in general. 99.9999% of the population will never be able to relate to my condition. It is the most painful and sad state of mind to be in, I think I was reduced to giving up on life but not in a suicidal way, just had no hope left, just paralyzed. Anyways, that's the reason why I never gave myself the chance to be with someone I loved, I felt like they deserved better (and they probably do), I felt like a loser and don't deserve them. I'm a good looking guy, I can feel their attraction to me but I always get blocked in my head.
I hate to think of my wife this way, but I think I settled with my wife. I was comfortable knowing that I will never be rejected and I can be content to live out the rest of my life. Little did I know, I needed more from my partner. I need an intimate connection, and also intelligence connection. I don't need a hot brain surgeon but somebody I can turn to for opinions that I respect.
I do take care of my kids when I am home, we do have extra help from family members. My job requires me to work crazy hours and I am the breadwinner. My wife does take of the children and house chores and she don't mind doing those things. She is not happy (but not sad either) and she knows that I am not happy, she knows that I don't have much feelings for her anymore. She knows that I sometimes think of other women, but knows that I don't act on anything. She is more unhappy because I am not happy, otherwise, she would be fine. She is doing a lot better than me, that's for sure. She is active with my family and enjoys life, I just sit around with a giant thunderstorm over my head. I am only happy when I am with my kids, as soon as they leave, I feel like a lonely ship in the ocean. I have to distract myself all day by doing stuff, I cannot sit still. I don't sit around with my wife watching movies, I watch it alone. I try to do stuff by myself because I enjoy being alone or something (or I don't want to be annoyed by somebody).
Anyways, thanks for helping and reading all my incredibly long posts. Looks like I have to seek help soon.
Well, when you get really bored about feeling this way you will take steps.
Sounds like you are like wearing old shoes. Know you need new ones, hate the way these look and feel, but just cant/wont give them up because it takes too much energy to go shopping.
Perhaps counseling and/or an anti depressant would be a good start.
Time to clear out the cobwebs!
Do this before your children catch on. (If they havent already)
@MakersWish,
MakersWish wrote:
.... I would say I have a rare condition that causes withdrawal from society in general. 99.9999% of the population will never be able to relate to my condition....
That's depression talking and, sadly, it's not rare.
Get counseling.
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