My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years are are engaged to be married in a year. I'm 26 and he's 36. Besides what I'm writing about, things have been great. We are super compatible for each other, have a great sex life, enjoy spending time together and are in love.
A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night not knowing where my phone is. I grabbed his from the bedside table. What came up on his phone was a sex chat room. He was sexting a girl from a chat room , getting her to send photos of her, sending photos of his abs, a video clip of him cuming. They talked for a day and a half, while I was sleeping and when he was at work. The whole convo was about a daddy/daughter fetish. He was calling her baby girl and she was calling him daddy. I noticed he had a new e-mail that had a touch pad lock on it as well. Now completely blind sided and upset I went through his text messages and he was calling a girl he worked with pet names like "cutie". As soon as I confronted him he deleted everything.
We ended up sorting it out. He said that he didn't consider that cheating because it was a person anywhere in the world. He would never meet up with someone and never would physically cheat. He said he was drunk and compared that to interactive porn. He was getting ideas on how to spice our sex life up. He admitted he took it way too far with talking to a real person. He promised he would never do it again. He promised to only call me pet names. He promised he would never delete anything again, so if he was going to say something he thought I wouldn't like, he just wouldn't say it or know that I might see it. He told me I can spot check his phone whenever to gain back my trust.
I've done a couple spot checks, and nothing. Except for yesterday I found messages with one of his good girlfriend that has moved across the country. Background : They worked together and would work out together. Since she moved they constantly message. She's recently married (unhappily) and just had a baby. She's pretty and in great shape. She helped him pick out my engagement ring. She always asks about me in an unthreatening way. Josh wants to move out there eventually. Not because of her but I'm originally from there and want to move back too. Never felt overly threatened because I think people in a relationship should have opposite-sex friends.
In his texts he sent her a photo of a menicinal weed with a jar with her name on it. He says " I wonder what you taste like ?
" she says hahah heavenly better be the answer .... he says " I can only imagine" "your so great haha".
I confronted him and he says I'm over reacting, that it was a dirty joke with one of his best friends, that I need to get over it because he isn't apologizing. That i should know his sense of humour. He doesn't understand how I think that is inappropriate and disrespectful to me. He msged me today :" FYI : Arn't you glad I didn't delete that? Thats what you wanted wasn't it? Well from now on I'm deleting every text I get." ...When I got home everything was deleted.
We had talked about couples counselling before when the first incident, but it never happened. Now he's making calls to make an appointment because "he wants to make this work".
Sorry for the book.... I would love to get some opinions on this. Am I overreacting and should get over it? Or is the sick feeling in my stomach justified?