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Help ! Boyfriends text messages

 
 
caseys2
 
Reply Wed 26 Apr, 2017 11:21 am
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years are are engaged to be married in a year. I'm 26 and he's 36. Besides what I'm writing about, things have been great. We are super compatible for each other, have a great sex life, enjoy spending time together and are in love.

A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night not knowing where my phone is. I grabbed his from the bedside table. What came up on his phone was a sex chat room. He was sexting a girl from a chat room , getting her to send photos of her, sending photos of his abs, a video clip of him cuming. They talked for a day and a half, while I was sleeping and when he was at work. The whole convo was about a daddy/daughter fetish. He was calling her baby girl and she was calling him daddy. I noticed he had a new e-mail that had a touch pad lock on it as well. Now completely blind sided and upset I went through his text messages and he was calling a girl he worked with pet names like "cutie". As soon as I confronted him he deleted everything.

We ended up sorting it out. He said that he didn't consider that cheating because it was a person anywhere in the world. He would never meet up with someone and never would physically cheat. He said he was drunk and compared that to interactive porn. He was getting ideas on how to spice our sex life up. He admitted he took it way too far with talking to a real person. He promised he would never do it again. He promised to only call me pet names. He promised he would never delete anything again, so if he was going to say something he thought I wouldn't like, he just wouldn't say it or know that I might see it. He told me I can spot check his phone whenever to gain back my trust.

I've done a couple spot checks, and nothing. Except for yesterday I found messages with one of his good girlfriend that has moved across the country. Background : They worked together and would work out together. Since she moved they constantly message. She's recently married (unhappily) and just had a baby. She's pretty and in great shape. She helped him pick out my engagement ring. She always asks about me in an unthreatening way. Josh wants to move out there eventually. Not because of her but I'm originally from there and want to move back too. Never felt overly threatened because I think people in a relationship should have opposite-sex friends.

In his texts he sent her a photo of a menicinal weed with a jar with her name on it. He says " I wonder what you taste like ? Wink " she says hahah heavenly better be the answer .... he says " I can only imagine" "your so great haha".

I confronted him and he says I'm over reacting, that it was a dirty joke with one of his best friends, that I need to get over it because he isn't apologizing. That i should know his sense of humour. He doesn't understand how I think that is inappropriate and disrespectful to me. He msged me today :" FYI : Arn't you glad I didn't delete that? Thats what you wanted wasn't it? Well from now on I'm deleting every text I get." ...When I got home everything was deleted.

We had talked about couples counselling before when the first incident, but it never happened. Now he's making calls to make an appointment because "he wants to make this work".

Sorry for the book.... I would love to get some opinions on this. Am I overreacting and should get over it? Or is the sick feeling in my stomach justified?
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Apr, 2017 12:03 pm
@caseys2,
I think couples counseling is a damned fine idea although not necessarily for what he might be thinking.

Look, my husband has female friends, too, and he doesn't ask what they taste like anymore than he asks what his male friends taste like. And the same thing from my end; I've got male friends but I don't get into that kind of nonsense with them, and I am one of the biggest flirts I know.

This woman on the other side of the country is absolutely prime for an emotional affair and, regardless of what is happening with you, it's kinda not okay that he's teasing her like that. Personally, if I were in a lousy relationship and a taken and opposite sex friend started coming onto me (or engaging in so much innuendo that it could be mistaken for that - which seems to be what is happening here), I would be hurt. I would not want someone unattainable dangling the goodies in front of me if I were already in a chancy relationship.

Your boyfriend already admitted that sharing his fantasies with a person rather than an anonymous porn site/watching videos was too much. And now he seems to be getting ready to do it again.

So, go to counseling, and see what's what. I won't tell you what to talk about (I am not a doctor), but you might want to explore trust but also discuss what he's getting out of this flirting which seems like it's crossing lines or is about to.
0 Replies
 
centrox
 
  3  
Reply Wed 26 Apr, 2017 12:04 pm
You are not over reacting; the sick feeling is completely justified; it might work if you try counselling but there are no guarantees. Depends how much you both want to, and how willing he is to change, and whether you can still trust him. You could walk away from this and nobody would blame you. You are still young and don't need to spend your youth trapped with a creep.
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Apr, 2017 05:29 pm
@caseys2,
You are in no way over reacting. Naughty texts to his best friend is insulting and inconsiderate. Hes emotionally cheating because he gets a thrill out of being dirty outside conversations with you.

If there was nothing wrong he wouldn't even consider deleting them. He knows he is in the wrong but is trying to play it down.

The thing is. There is a reason he is behaving this way. He feels something is lacking between you and him and attempting to find it from other women.

I bet he needs to feel desired. He obviously likes to be naughty. Do you ever help him with this?
0 Replies
 
tibbleinparadise
 
  3  
Reply Wed 26 Apr, 2017 05:45 pm
@caseys2,
So everything is perfect except you can't trust him not to cheat on you?

Consider yourself lucky you aren't legally attached to this guy yet. Move on and let him go through his midlife crises alone.
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 26 Apr, 2017 07:42 pm
Holy crap...It's NOT cheating. If you fantasize about someone other than your BF while he's boffing you are you cheating??

Either you have a strong relationship or ya don't. Cuz if this is a problem...Ya don't.

If you catch him in your bed boffing the next door neighbor ya got a problem.

Pick your battles carefully.
0 Replies
 
A widow
 
  2  
Reply Thu 27 Dec, 2018 10:33 pm
@caseys2,
Caseys2 - I think you have a legitimate concern. His behavior is inappropriate to the concept of a healthy committed relationship. There is nothing wrong with having personal fantasies. However, I think the context of those fantasies should stay within the boundaries of the relationship. Extending flirtatious comments to his old girlfriend is inappropriate as well. Counseling is a good idea if you are both committed to improving your relationship. If you find, however, that you are doing all the work to make the relationship improve, then I think you should reconsider.
0 Replies
 
 

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