Mon 13 May, 2019 05:11 am
I am in a relationship with an amazing girl, we are together for 4 months, she is a couple years younger than me, I am 29.
I need to vent because I realized there might be something wrong with the way I handle and have handled relationships in my past.
At the beginning, I saw a lot of "red flags", which were at first rationally valid concerns. But after some thought I guess I was too demanding and fault-finding.
Some of the red flags which made me really anxious and concerned.
1. We met as an Internet casual-sex hookup, and after some time we decided to go on a date. It bothered me that she was up for casual sex before we were together, even though I did exactly the same thing and I am quite liberal when it comes to these kinds of things. But it still causes me to feel unease.
2. Before we were officially together she was messaging and was planning to meet her ex. Again, we weren't an official couple or anything, and I messaged and hooked-up with other partners as well. She had fwb in the first weeks we met.
3. Her past. She had several affairs with married people while single. And while I did that once before, it really bothered me. We wanted to go visit her friend, but later on I found out through mutual friends, that she had an affair with him and didn't tell me ever when we were planning to go there. It was in the past, so this is really not my business. Am I paranoid about this?
Now to give it some context, once we were officially together she was nothing but amazing. Disclosed everything except that one lover guy that lived with her dad. She is extremely supportive, respects my boundaries when I mention them. Listens, understands. Introduced me to her parents. Wants to go out with me every time she has, etc.
But still, I have this nagging feeling that I used to have in every relationship, to try to dissect the past. I cannot be content with the present, almost every interaction, every conversation is aimed at obtaining information that I over-analyse. I cannot relax. I am almost addicted to bad-vibes and "going-through" some crisis. It was a fact in almost every relationship that I had, with a lot of narcissistic rage. The usual cycle was that I was love-bombing someone, then feeling insecure and controlling, and then withdrawing to the point of cheating. I feel like my fault-finding is just projecting. But the thing is, now I am really in love, went to therapy to discuss it and fix it. But I guess that my therapist doesn't see through my "explaining". When I talk about those red flags, I am so convincing and rational, that it scares me to bits. Are these concerns above real? I feel it might be some kind of personality disorder? because it happens in every relationship.
Get counseling to learn how to let go of such things. I fear if you were pushed hard enough, you could become abusive.
I ain't kidding.
Why am I suggesting this? Because a lot of these behaviors come straight out of the abusers' playbook: the overly affectionate start, the fixation on perceived wrongs and slights, the rage, and the fault finding.
The red flags all are your own creations.
Continue therapy to figure out why you self-sabotage a good thing.