Wed 11 Mar, 2020 04:39 am
My fiancee and I are in a relationship for now almost 18 months. She (48yo) is American and lives in the US, and I (50yo) am French and live in France. We manage to see each other about 4 months a year. Of course we plan to live together full time once we'll be married, but this requires some logistic. This was for the context.
When we're together in the same space, sex is all fine. We both have a lot of experience. But when we're apart, obviously, we can't do it anymore, and the little we're given is online masturbation. Thing is, we have a 9hrs time difference, and when she's available, it's already my night time. When I'm available, she's either sleeping or at work. Besides, even if I can be a good talker in real conditions (and I like that), I'm not so good at narrating things that aren't actually happening. For some reasons, it makes me feel weird. Consequently, we don't really have phone sex. We do, but not as much as she'd like to. She is very upset with that. I deal with it better.
She was very honest and told me she was watching "a lot of porn" online. I have no problem with that. She also told me that when she does, she always thinks about me. I am more doubtful about that, but once again, it's okay if she gets off watching other guys on video. After all, a fantasy is a fantasy, and suppressing it or making a scene about it would make more damage than good. These are people we don't know, and we are not robots. I consider it as an outlet and it's fine if she gets off on porn actors. But once again, she says she "tries to me find in them" (which is weird, since I dont have anything in common with porn actors).
Another thing about her is that she is tremendously jealous. I am faithful and loyal, but she accused me several times of having flirts and/or relationships on the side with hypothetical women. I proved my innocence as much I could, but recurrently these accusations pop up.
Three days ago, she asked me if I was getting off on porn. I was very embarrassed with that question, because I know her well enough to know that this topic could bite back at me very easily. On the other hand, I don't like to lie, so I felt trapped. Either I was lying and answering no, or I was true and say yes, taking the risk to have it backfiring at me. I told her I didn't like this kind of talk, but she insisted. "I watch porn a lot, so you can answer freely", she said. So I answered and said that, once in a blue moon (which is exactly how it is), I happen to watch a few pictures here or there (more pictures than videos, btw). I really don't spend my time on watching girls on porn all the time, but once in a while, I have to admit that it happens.
Well... It did bite back at me, instantly. What is an occasional behaviour (I dunno, once each 2 weeks, maybe) became me being a freak, a pervert, a "guy would would get off all the time on these beautiful women and not on her" and on and on... I replied and said she was watching porn too, and apparently way more than me. But for her, it's acceptable, because when she does, she "is always thinking about me". So I'm wondering : can that be an honest answer or more a pretext to allow herself things that she doesn't allow me ? I sent her videos and pictures of me (on her request). If she really thinks about me "everytime", she could watch these medias instead of porn online. She doesn't. So why is it a problem if occasionally I do the same ?
Again, I don't mind her watching porn and other guys on video. We are humans, we have fantasies. It's okay for me. It's not as if it was real, it's not as if these people would pop up in our lives. I think I'm being reasonable here, but apparently I'm not and I'm deranged. I need opinions here. I'm fine questioning myself. Maybe I'm wrong, I just need extra opinion to understand myself better and decide if my behaviour is bad or not.
I also need to say that I'm not doing that all day, and certainly not everyday either. I, like many men, sometimes feel a tension, and most times I get relief, I don't use online porn and do it quite mecanically, usually when I wake up. I told her that, but she stated I was just "watching porn all the time". That's desperating. I truly love her, I'm exclusive in my feelings and am totally monogamous, I never cheated on her and never found myself in an opportunity and/or desire to do it, so she really drives me crazy here.
She said she's an "ugly monster", that I don't "desire her", that I prefer to " cum on all those beautiful girls instead of her", and on and on... She said it was on the expense of our own online sexuality, which is, as I said, not convenient and not so comfortable for me. She said "she could never be my porn fantasy". Well, no, that's right : a fantasy needs to be a fantasy only, and I prefer the reality of real feelings and real sex than just a stupid porn fantasy. Am I wrong to see things that way?
We haven't spoken in three days because of that. In her opinion, I am a freak that spend my days on that, and she even said she "believes we are finished" (all this on an IM, no spoken words).
How wrong am I? Do I really fail her? Am I normal? Is it wrong if I watch porn online once in a while while she finds it right to do the same often?
Thank you for answering me.
At best she is being hypocritical, at worst she is just plain nuts. If I had to guess honestly, she may have issues with her own self worth. Doing the porn thing makes her feel wanted, even if it is a fantasy. Your doing porn makes her feel less desired which lessens that feeling of importance. Not sure if I am stating this right, but hopefully you get the idea.
As for what to do about it, I don't know. Maybe stay away from the subject of porn and always be reassuring to her that she is all you want or need. Of course, you could always follow her lead and assure her that when you watch porn you are only thinking of her. She really can't argue with that. lol
How about making an agreement with her that this kind of discussion ( either of you watching porn and the activity that goes with it) be discontinued?
Really - Stop it, insist on it.
Long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain and she is putting a stress on it by now moving on to negative accusations.
Please get to know her better before you make any further commitment. This type of behavior is the kind that does not stop. She will find another subject matter to harang you.
Thank you very much for your answer. Yes, she lacks a lot of self-confidence. We both do. I never tried to diminish her or make her feel bad, on the contrary. I told her she's beautiful to me and I'm fulfilled with her. But it seems my very words, even when we're together, aren't really heard, or when they are, they are only for a while until anything is good to doubt them again.
As for staying away from the subject of porn, that seems difficult, since it's a topic she actually enjoys pretty much. Thing is that when I'm watching porn, it's not that I don't think of her, but I just don't think of anything or anyone in particular. It's an outlet without importance or without any spirit of performance or selflessness. Totally different than having sex with someone, IMO.
Thank you very mucyh for your reply !
I'm not sure we can make this type of agreement though, because this topic is important to her, and if I ask we put it on the side, it's gonna be considered as neglecting her. I already tried that, and that's what I got.
PS 1 : I'll very much appreciate the opinion of women too. It's important for me to understand it from their point of view.
PS 2 : Please forgive the little mistakes I made while typing. I will excuse your french in return...
I repeat, differently: this girl has issues.
Even when you are together, she likes conflict with what you say. She can’t be pleased. Now she is badgering you about the porn and you cannot console or reason with her.
Is this her personality?