I have problem believing in my boyfriends'honesty.

Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2018 05:08 am
Hi Smile

Sorry,it will be long, but I hope you will have patience to go through this. I know that my issue might seem trivial, but I need some kind of reassurance. In overall: I'm in relationship with my boyfriend for about two years, I'm really in love with him - he is loving and supportive for me in my goals and dreams, although he also has a lot going on, he's really resourceful and hard-working. We have a lot in common, we sometimes laugh right now that we are both extremely stubborn (that caused some difficulties some time ago, but now we just laugh about it, because a lot improved in our relationship due to communication). We both decided to move in together really quickly - we dated for about two months and rented a place together. I know it's really fast, but we both already had long-term relationships before (without moving in, just dating), which in the end lead to nothing, and my boyfriend claimed that living together will be a test for us - if we can find a common ground in everyday of living together. I think we passed, through these two years we were in difficult situatins (e.g. losing job), but we always supported each other.

I know that until now it might just seem as good relationship, and it is, but there are some situations from when we were just dating, not living together, which haunt me sometimes and I feel really insecure. To the point, when we just started dating, I was renting an apartment with my colleague (girl), but I also just moved in to her place, so I didn't know her very well, but we had something in common and the rent was not very high. But I now recognise that it was maybe not the best decision - until I meet my boyfriend, me and that girl got along well, but then something went off. It all started when I exchanged numbers with my current boyfriend, and out of nowhere my roomate started to take interest in him. We all worked together, but I and my boyfriend were dating, but we were not official yet and tried to hide the fact that we are dating in work, but for my roomate - suddenly, it was not a problem to try to talk all the time to my current boyfriend, laugh to loud at everything he said, she also tried to work as close to him as possible - claiming aloud that they are so compatible that the work is a piece of cake.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about it, but I was a little shocked, because she knew that I'm interested in him and me and him are seeing each other outside work, and secondly - before I started dating him, she never talked to him at work, maybe they exchanged few sentences in work or when we were meeting in group after work. She gave him her number and claimed that they will grab something to eat after work (I wasn't at work then), just two of them, but then they took another friend from work and drove to our apartment, and spend time together (at least, that's what my boyfriend says, I don't know what happened before they arrived). I had the impression that she is trying to seduce him, but I didn't say a word, because, as I claimed, me and that boy were not an official couple yet.

Then, there was our apartment, which my boyfriend started then visiting quite often. In the meanwhile, we decided to become official, and my boyfriend was spending a lot of time at my place, but to not interrupt my roomate - he was visiting when she was absent. But often he spend evenings and nights at my place, it was the first phase of our relationship and we wanted to spend as much time together as it is possible, but I talked to my roomate, if that was disruptive for her, but she claimed that she doesn't mind, as she and my boyfriend get along well and she likes him. And I could see that - although me and my boyfriend became official, she was trying to impress him and sometimes belittle me, tried to flirt with him, make him dance with her or something like that.

I sometimes felt as a third wheel at that apartment, because they really got along and I started to question if really I should be with my boyfriend. But the worst is that back then my boyfriend started to return the attention, which he received from her. I knew that he is really outgoing person and sometimes even a little flirt, but I was not afraid, because it was the way he is (in fact, it was adorable how he sometimes was losing all his confidence, when he was giving me his number). But then, I was mad, because it was clear that my roomate is interested in him and he seemed to like the attention, so he flirted a little, and I had this strange feeling that when they are in the same room - I cease to exist, they talked with each other and I was jealous when I saw how happy my boyfriend is with her, I could even see a "spark" in his eyes when he was talking to her. I don't know why I didn't say anything. But one situation made me really upset.

The three of us were spending evening at the apartment, but I felt really sick, so I went to bed, while my boyfriend and my roomate went to kitchen to eat something. I didn't intend to overhear them, but it was impossible as between the kitchen and my room there was a hall without doors, it was open space. At first they were joking, as usual in a banter manner, but then my roomate claimed that she will be moving out of the apartment in a couple of weeks and so on. And maybe it will be ridiculous, what I will write now - although they always had something to talk about, all of the sudden it went really quiet in the kitchen and all I could hear was kind of "slurping"? I know it sounds funny, but all I could think back then was that there were kissing, but, of course, I have no proof. I was already really jealous of that girl and mad at my boyfriend, but I didn't imagine these sounds and it was awful for me, to even think that they could do something like that to me, when I was sleeping in the next room. But maybe they were caught by the moment? After that, my boyfriend came back to my bed (I still didn't say anything), claimed that he loves me and went to sleep - he acted normal, so I didn't know what to think.

Next day, when me and my boyfriend were alone, he said for the first time that he wants to move in with me, and that he was talking with my roomate that she is moving out in some time and it made him think of just the two of us to live together, because we already spend all our time together. That is when I told him all that worried me from the beginning. He was surprised, because he claimed that he was not interested in my roomate, he liked her as a friend and they indeed have in lot in common, but from the beginning he was interested in me and he also claimed that he wanted my roomate to like him, otherwise, he wouldn't spend so much time with me at our apartment, if she wouldn't like him. He also claimed that nothing happened between them in the kitchen, I also asked about it later my roomate - she also denied something happened, and seemed even angry with me that I even thought about it, because "she was never interested in him and always wanted good for me".

But wasn't something off with all this? I saw their behaviour before and suddenly, they deny everything and I don't know what to think about all this. It keeps returning to me, because I feel something was off, I don't know what I'm expecting - maybe if something really happened, and sometimes I'm almost sure it did, I would really appreciate if my boyfriend told me about it and that he didn't lie to me. Otherwise, I caught myself thinking about it, that there was something between them, and I'm really afraid that I cannot trust my boyfriend, if he would do something like that to me. On the other side, I never caught him lying to me, does that mean that I was just losing my mind back then, because of all the jealousy? But as I wrote before, I saw their behaviour, I was mad that they denied anything, but maybe I was overreacting? It's hard for me, because my boyfriend is working really hard to make me happy, we communicate a lot better now, so such misunderstandings won't happen again - he knows the barriers, knows what is uncomfortable for me and adjusts his behaviour for me to feel comfortable.

What should I do? How to get past all that? Should I let go and trust my boyfriend?
Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2018 05:30 am
By my reckoning, this all happened over a year and a half ago.

You need counseling if you can't let it go by now.

Trust is the bedrock of relationships. When you don't have it, the relationship is over, not matter how much love people feel, or express. And holding onto jealousy (even if it was founded at the time), is unhealthy. Please get counseling before you wreck your relationship.
Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2018 06:38 am
Thank you for your reply Smile
I think I will try some counselling, because I might project my fears and insecurities - my previous boyfriend cheated on me in a horrible way, laughing at me behind my back. Also, the marriage between my parents is not very stable, so it might influenced me. I know I can't justify my behaviour in such way, but I will try to get some help. My boyfriend also claims that he is afraid that my fears are larger than his love to me, and that I will leave him - and I need to work on this. I know it happened long ago, but honestly, at first - even if something happened between them, when I first got that idea - that might sound harsh, but I didn't see my current boyfriend in long-term relationship, I thought we will date for some time and see what it will all bring - I worried less about all this, but then, during those two years, he proved that he is loving, caring and brilliant man, so I started to see our relationship as more serious and long-term one. And then my fears started to grow, when I noticed that I care greatly for him and I was afraid if he thinks of me in the same way and won't hurt me.
But, from what I have written, do you think I can trust my boyfriend? I will try to get some help and let it go, but sometimes it's hard for me - how he treated me in some way. He is really loving and caring, but back then - with her, he was like different person, and that's why I started to question him, if he was honest and true to me. I know it's sick, but I sometimes get angry when I imagine that something happened between them and they were laughing behind my back and at my naive behaviour.
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Reply Tue 20 Nov, 2018 07:46 am
“But back then he was like a different person “

Well, duh. Yes. You weren’t BF/GF then.

This is more than a question of love. This is about thinking that people are laughing at you and not allowing someone to have a past life. It’s also about self doubt, jealousy, and the need to have negative excitement in the relationship. Perhaps your parent’s bad marrige was a bad model for you and you really don’t know how to trust.

Soon this guy will become exhausted trying to assure you of his dedication. If you don’t get some help in dealing with these demons, he will move on. And that other girl will have had nothing to do with that.
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Reply Fri 23 Nov, 2018 05:50 am
If you can't trust him, I think it will be difficult to build strong and healthy relationships(
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