Fri 14 Apr, 2017 01:02 am
I know she loves me. But I am not sure if she is still in love with me.
I've caught her texting with him on a few different occasions. Her ex-boyfriend.
The first time was at 7 in the morning weeks ago. She had gotten in the shower and left her phone out. I looked at her phone (placed face down) and saw she had two unread text messages from "Dan".
Side note: It bothers me that his name is just Dan in her phone. They hadn't talked in years and only reconnected in the past 6-9 months (we've been married 9 years) but he goes into her phone as just Dan? This suggests either one of two things. First, that they are so casual that Dan is all she needs because they're on first name basis or... Second, that she purposefully left off his last name in the event I saw she had a text from someone named "Dan" and could brush it off as someone from work or someone I didn't know. Either way, I don't like it. I digress.
After seeing the message notification from "Dan", my curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to see what he said. The phone was locked but I know her password. There were only 6-8 texts. It was clearly in the middle of a conversation but whatever had previously been discussed had been deleted. The content of the text was something about how he saw two married men out on a date. They, according to him, weren't married to each other and were out on a date behind their wives backs. It isn't lost on me that the content of this message references some form of infidelity, albeit in a non-traditional manner.
Having read the messages, the notification would be gone on her home screen so there was a chance I would be found out. My wife isn't tech savvy so I figured she wouldn't piece it together.
I spent that entire day trying to think through this event. Should I be worried? Was I being jealous? Who the hell texts prior to 7am? Seriously, who? I don't want to talk to anyone before 7am. That can't be good, right?
I went back and forth trying to decide how I felt and eventually landed on the fact that it was nothing and I shouldn't make a big todo of a non-event. It should be noted that I wondered for longer than I should have if I actually cared the cause of her actions. It turns out I do care.
In the following day or two, she made a point to force into a casual conversation that she "always deletes all of her text messages." I remember thinking at the time it felt bizarrely forced --- like she was trying to cover her ass in case I had picked up her phone and saw the exchange that was clearly mid conversation with the first part deleted.
I asked a female colleague her opinion on the situation. I didn't say it was my own situation, but said a friend of mine who has been married a long time just told me (x,y,z) and what did she think? She said the guy is really jealous, and it's probably nothing. But she did admit it wasn't a good thing
I let the concern fade from conscious thought.
My wife had a post-work happy hour, so she said she would be home late. It is worth pointing out that she only brought up the happy hour two days ahead of time. Generally this is something that has more advanced notice.
In the midst of the day, I found out a family member of mine was admitted to a hospital for a drug overdose. This is a major traumatic experience and I needed to book plans to fly across the country in the morning to help. My wife originally volunteered to come with me but then when I asked her to join she said she didn't want to and that I should "handle it myself" since it was a family issue. That sounds more callous than she meant it. Just that it should be handled by family.
She said she needed to make an appearance at the happy hour but then she would be home. An appearance turned into 4+ hours. She didn't get home until about 10pm. After she got home we discussed my family emergency and I commented on the "appearance" being quite long. We argued jokingly about how long it took for her to get home and I said "you didn't even get home until 10! Heck you didn't even text me that you were coming home until 9:45!"
She said "No Way! I am going to check." To which I replied (while moving toward her) 'I'll check with you.'
When she opened her phone and went to her text messages guess whose name was the most recent conversation? Good ole' first name only Dan.
She immediately clicked out of her texts and opened Instagram. Clearly she was caught but was trying to play it off. I went back to packing for my flight in an absolute daze. She came in to see if she could help, acting weird. After a few heartbeats of consideration, I said "So how is Dan?" And son of a bitch she had the audacity to say "Dan who?"
"The last person you were texting with on your phone"
"Dan F$&*%#?" (name disguised for obvious reasons)
"Yes, Dan F" I replied "I didn't know you guys kept in touch that much"
"Oh honey, don't make a big deal out of nothing."
And she walked away to the bathroom. Still dazed, I laid down to go to sleep --- a thousand different thoughts flying through my head. She came back from the bathroom quite a while later, laid down and didn't say a word. She has never not said, "I love you" when she came to bed. Ever.
After lying in bed for at least 20 minutes, wondering if she was going to address the several thousand pound elephant in the room, I got up. Put on clothes. Walked to the family room and started researching "emotional affairs".
One post suggested to write out a journal so you can fully examine your feelings and collect your thoughts. So that's what I am doing. Not exactly sure why I wrote this as a short story/narrative, but F Me, right?
I am reasonably certain upon further consideration, that there was no happy hour tonight and she was actually hanging out with the man whose surname ran away, Dan.
I can't say why I feel this way, just a hunch. But I generally am not wrong about these things. I hope I am though, if she was with him tonight behind my back in the middle of a family crisis I am not sure I could ever forgive her.
If this is a purely imaginative creation, and you are seeking reviews of your writing, I would say you need to work on your prose style, and make it more compact. If it is a true story, I would say it is clear you don't trust your wife. Either way, your account is stuffed with flights of imagination. You might both benefit from couples counselling.
Sort of a crappy response. But it is true mate. Believe me, there are much better places to get reviews on your writing than able2know.org. But thank you very much for diminishing my way of coping with this issue. I'll never post here again.
I would be concerned also if I were in your shoes (I have been so to speak except it was my finace texting several female "friends" with very flirty messages). Perhaps I am old fashioned but I am not into that. In my opinion, if they hide it from you, if they lie about it, etc. then there is a problem. Without reading all of the text, it is hard to say if she is having an emotional affair or not; however, even if she isn't now, that's where it may be headed. He's an ex..... he should stay an ex unless he is a MUTUAL friend to both of you.
Don't worry about negative responses.... unfortunately there are negative people everywhere.
I know its hard to open up about how you feel even if you're anonymous on here, I feel the same way. Just writing my thoughts and emotions down is just embarrassing even if I am anonymous.
However, I do think that the circumstances you described do not have to mean that she is cheating on you. Even the messages you saw, about the gay couple in public, do not actually incriminate her in any way, it could just be an observation this Dan had.
Of course, she might have cheated but there seems to be no proof.
I think that she might just not feel understood and want to talk to someone. The best thing you can do is to be open and understanding and listen to her without accusing her. That way you can open up for communication and her coming to you to talk instead of this Dan guy.
All the best!