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An affair with a married man, not your typical affair. Help!

 
 
Reply Tue 28 Mar, 2017 03:32 pm
Where to start... I'm female and 27 years old. I'm having an affair with a married man who is 31 years old with 2 children. I have a partner of 8 years who just recently asked me to marry him.

The beginning...

I met the man I am having an affair with when I was 17 years old. He worked beside me and from there our friendship grew. At the time I was 17 and he was 21. We had lots in common for example we liked the same music, we had the same sense of humour, we enjoyed going out to the same places and just in general really clicked with eachother. He would always flirt with me and I was pretty shy but enjoyed the attention. At the time I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend (same woman he is married to now).

We grew closer and on one night out we went home together kissed, had sex. The next day I felt a bit guilty but in a way I was happy it happened as we were good friends by this point. It felt "normal".

We continued to use any opportunity to meet up and have fun. If we finished work I would go back to his or if we had nights out we would go home with eachother which always resulted in love making.

It became so normal and regular for us, we texted constantly and talked online. We worked together most days and it never became awkward if anything it made us closer. He told me he had feelings for me and I told him the same but we never let it become any more than just fun.

I turned 18 and had a holiday where I met someone else and finished with my boyfriend. I was young wanted fun and so when I returned home I talked to the guy I was having the affair with and said I wanted to end it cause I had feelings for someone new I had met. He was crushed he didn't want it to end he was angry about it but that was that and it finished. We spoke very rarely after this. Fast forward 8/9 years and something clicked and I wanted to get back in touch with him all of a sudden I missed him. I am with someone new now. I felt like I needed to see this guy again. I plucked up the courage to message him and straight away he got back to me. We talked for hours, we talked about what we used to get up to all the funny things that happened etc. It was great everything came rushing back and he wanted to meet up with me again. He said he missed me and wished it never had ended. I found out the year after I ended it he got engaged then married to the girl he was with followed by having 2 kids.

So now it has been over a year where I have been meeting this guy once a week. It started as just fun in the car etc. To now he has told me he couldn't care less about the fun he has strong feelings for me and loves to talk to me and feels so comfortable around me like no one else. We meet up when he has a night out so we can have sex etc. And it's amazing. He has told me he is scared to lose me again and doesn't want it to stop and I feel the same. We talk through the week over text and we just get on so we'll we wliterally feel like we are a couple that's how well we get on.

I am writing because I need to know if someone else has experienced a long affair like this. I feel it is different cause he considers me as his best friend and I consider him mine too and I love that we can tell eachother anything. I just feel like we met at the wrong time in life. His wife doesn't sleep with him but he tells me the sex between us now is not important as he just loves being around me and talking to me. He wants to pleasure me a lot too. I should also note when this affair started back up again his wife was still pregnant with his second child.

It's sad because none of us think we are doing anything wrong because it feels so right but obviously we are terrible people. I just wish I could understand why he has twice done this to his partner and wanted to carrying it on, I fee like he genuinely has feelings for me even though he has told me that he couldn't do this for that long is he never felt anything for me? I feel like he just settled with her because it was easy and they have the same group of friends and were at school together like it was the easy option not to upset anyone. I kick myself because I feel like I'f I never ended it the first time he would not have got married. He said he didn't want to get married but she hassled him to do it and get her a ring so he never even proposed. I do feel like he has just settled for something he is not completely happy about. Help me understand this!!!!??????
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Tue 28 Mar, 2017 03:39 pm
If you two have these kinds of feelings for this long, he should divorce, you should break up with your BF and then be together.

Why hasn't it come to this?
Littleone90
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Mar, 2017 05:25 pm
@PUNKEY,
I'm not sure. I believe to this day if I never put a stop to it all those years ago he wouldn't have went on to get married etc. I feel like I missed the boat but it's confusing because we tell eachother everything and share our feelings so much. I feel like he won't divorce as it's too comfortable now and because they have the same friends etc. It would cause so much upset. Also because it works for us the way it is things will probably never change. It's so wrong but we can't stop because it's so normal now.

He has told me if he never had me there is no way he would have an affair with anyone else, it's because of how he feels for me this has carried on. I just want to care for him and be there for him it's upsetting because it is so clear his wife doesn't care as much for him. It seems she has just settled with him to give her 2 kids.

I just always wonder why he didn't leave her but I strongly believe it was because he was scared to upset anyone, it would have probably caused so much upset to family and friends which is so sad.

ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 28 Mar, 2017 05:30 pm
@Littleone90,
How is this an atypical affair?

It reads like the same old same old. Married, not in love, ******* someone else. Engaged, not in love, ******* someone else.

You're making life easy for him. You've made your choice to be a bit on the side.

It is totally the typical affair story. There is absolutely nothing special about it.

Accept what it is - you're ******* a married man with children.
Littleone90
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 28 Mar, 2017 06:11 pm
@ehBeth,
When I said not typical I meant as in we don't do the usual affair stuff like secretly meeting up in hotels or telling our partners we are working away so we can meet up for the weekend etc. We work it around our lives and daily routines for example the night we meet up each week is a night we are both at our friends so we meet before heading home.

We are both happy being eachothers bit on the side with extra feelings chucked in. We have never asked eachother to leave our partners, the main reason being is how can u fully trust them to not do it to you once you are really together. That would always be in the back of your mind. We are happy being good friends who **** shall we say.

I'm just looking to chat about it with someone who is in the same position.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 28 Mar, 2017 07:02 pm
@Littleone90,
Littleone90 wrote:

When I said not typical I meant as in we don't do the usual affair stuff like secretly meeting up in hotels or telling our partners we are working away so we can meet up for the weekend etc. We work it around our lives and daily routines for example the night we meet up each week is a night we are both at our friends so we meet before heading home.


this is usually how real-life affairs are

most people don't have the time or money for get-aways with the extra people they are *******
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Mar, 2017 08:05 am
@Littleone90,
Quote:
I feel like he won't divorce as it's too comfortable now
No, he won't divorce his wife because he gets to **** two women regularly. So why mess that up.

Quote:
It would cause so much upset.
Not nearly as much upset as it will cause when his wife finds out.

Quote:
He has told me if he never had me there is no way he would have an affair with anyone else,
I would not bet on this being true.

Quote:
it is so clear his wife doesn't care as much for him.
Do you know how many times the women who have posted on a2k about having affairs with a married man have said this? Every one of them. Your married guy is no different if he is telling you this. The fact is you have no real idea how much she may or may not care for him. You have no idea how well or how badly she treats him. You only have what he chooses to tell you and frankly, he is a proven liar so odds are he is lying to you. (He is most certainly lying to his wife about where he is when meeting up with you, thus he is a liar.)

Quote:
I just always wonder why he didn't leave her
He didn't leave her and still will not leave her because he is happy with her. If you were anything more than a piece of ass on the side then he would leave her. People divorce all the time. He just does not want to do so.

Bottom line, you know having the affair with him is wrong but you want what you want and to hell will his wife who believes and trusts her husband is being faithful.

So I have two suggestions for you. If you are determined to keep screwing him, why don't you suggest to him that he talk to his wife to see if they can come to an arrangement where she can screw around also. Shouldn't she be given the same opportunity that he is having? Of course, that means he would be telling her about his affair with you, but if screwing you is such a good thing, why keep it a secret. And this way she can give her blessing and have some on the side also. Or decide that divorce would not be as devastating as being married to a cheating bastard. Either way, she gets a say in whether she stays or ends her marriage instead of letting it all up to him.

Or end things and find someone who is unattached. (Or just stay with your current boyfriend, but I'm guessing if you are willing to screw this other guy that things with your current guy are not working out so well.) I wonder what your current guy would think about your screwing around?
Tiger81
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Mar, 2017 08:11 am
@Littleone90,
You won't find any support on this forum, jut judgement from the "holier than thou" crowd. Feel free to pm me if you want. I'm in a long term affair and it works for us.
0 Replies
 
Littleone90
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Mar, 2017 09:21 am
@CoastalRat,
You seem very opinionated on this topic.

Cheating yourself? Or perhaps being cheated on?

Obviously your matter of opinion is not fact either.

I will stay away from this page as I said before I was looking to chat to someone in a similar situation. Didn't realise this page was full of people who had never done something "bad" in their lives haha!
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 29 Mar, 2017 09:59 am
@Littleone90,
Quote:
You seem very opinionated on this topic.
Opinionated? Of course I am. That is what you are going to get on any forum. People with different opinions. Tiger1 gave you her opinion of people who have opinions that differ from hers. If you simply want people to tell you that you are doing the right thing and tell you how great you are for being this man's plaything, then you have come to the wrong place.

Quote:
Cheating yourself? Or perhaps being cheated on?
Not that it is your business since I'm not the one looking for advice or get someone's opinion, but the answer to both questions would be no.

Quote:
Obviously your matter of opinion is not fact either.
Of course it is my opinion. And you are entitled to yours. But again, you came here to seek advice, I did not seek you out to give you unasked for advice.

Quote:
I will stay away from this page
Your choice. I sure don't care one bit whether you stay or go. (Neither does the majority of other posters who frequent here.)

Quote:
Didn't realise this page was full of people who had never done something "bad" in their lives haha!
I'm trying to figure out where anyone who responded claimed to have never done anything "bad."
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Mar, 2017 12:37 pm
@Littleone90,
Littleone90 wrote:

When I said not typical I meant as in we don't do the usual affair stuff like secretly meeting up in hotels or telling our partners we are working away so we can meet up for the weekend etc. We work it around our lives and daily routines for example the night we meet up each week is a night we are both at our friends so we meet before heading home.

We are both happy being eachothers bit on the side with extra feelings chucked in. We have never asked eachother to leave our partners, the main reason being is how can u fully trust them to not do it to you once you are really together. That would always be in the back of your mind. We are happy being good friends who **** shall we say.

I'm just looking to chat about it with someone who is in the same position.


There was a thread focussed around "being the other woman". There was an explosion of recent posts based on a similar situation as yours so they started that thread. Maybe search for it and see if it's still active.
0 Replies
 
guitarmantoo
 
  1  
Reply Fri 11 Aug, 2017 10:10 am
@Littleone90,
Littleone90....I understand how you are thinking and feeling. My affair of 7 years just ended. My relationship sounds so similar to yours. But if you truly pay attention...they all kinda sound the same.....but that's because an affair is not unusual...and how else could they be but similar,,,they are AFFAIRS...
If you would like to hear...I can tell you my story...maybe we can help each other through this....
0 Replies
 
Sammy48
 
  1  
Reply Thu 17 Aug, 2017 05:52 pm
@Littleone90,
I certainly can sympathize with you the fact that some people do seem very judgemental I'm just friends with a married man and got blasted on this site. I don't think you are some kind of horrible person I think you've had a friend for a long time and nobody wants to give up a friend but it seems like you are struggling with the fact that you feel there is something wrong with this I also think that it's a pretty sweeping judgment to just assume that a man that is having an affair is just out for sex I think that's very stereotypical and very sexist to assume that's just all men want I don't know what your friend is looking for or what he wants but it sounds like you all have also been good friends which means it's more than sex to him.
0 Replies
 
Bookkeeper
 
  1  
Reply Sun 10 Sep, 2017 12:17 pm
@Littleone90,
Hi, don't know if you are still in this situation as I see your post is from March. I'm in a very similar situation and would like to chat with you.
0 Replies
 
Garibaldi59
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 2 Oct, 2017 09:03 am
@Littleone90,
You are thinking with your hormones, which is typical of women. The guy will double-dip as long as you let him get away with it. Use your brains and take control of your life.
0 Replies
 
 

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