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Is it possible to forgive and forget when it comes to cheating?

 
 
Al2322
 
Reply Tue 14 Mar, 2017 06:34 pm
Hello, I am a 22 year old student living away from home at university.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years and almost 2 months ago he went on a course night out, drank excessively and ended up sleeping with one of his fellow course mates while I was waiting for him to come home in his bed.

He told me 2 days later over Facebook messenger but lied about who it was and how much he remembered, after asking for the full truth he later admitted to knowing the girl and that she knew he had a girlfriend.

I wish I didn't love him so much and that I could be strong and walk away but I can't and I want to be able to forgive him and move past this. I struggle with anxiety and low moods and I over analysis situations to the point where it becomes unhealthy. I think about the infidelity in great detail and it plagues my mind 90% of the day.

We were going through a rough patch in our relationship at the time and I do believe that he will never do it again but I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that he could do it in the first place.

It doesn't help that he is very emotionally repressed, he cannot deal with such strong emotions and tends to snap when the situation is brought up which I find very hard, in his mind he has done a bad thing and he wants to forget about it and move forward but I can't do that, I'm still at the stage where I cry pretty much daily and I can't get the thought of them together out of my head.

I just wonder if I will be able to eventually move past this and get to a place where it doesn't hurt so much anymore or if I'm trying for nothing? Thank you in advance
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Tue 14 Mar, 2017 06:50 pm
@Al2322,
You need counseling. Note: I am not a doctor, but your anxiety and low moods could be more than you think. And that is not necessarily in relation to this particular episode, I might add.

Now, onto the episode. He seems to me to just want a free pass on it all. He hurt you and lied about it and he 'tends to snap' when it's brought up. But you're not the one who caused the problem. He did, and now he is expecting you to sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. Yet it bothers you enough that this is just plain not going to be good enough.

So please talk to an impartial professional. And talk about your self-esteem as well, and how assertive you are in the relationship. You don't need to be aggressive to be assertive - these two words are not synonymous. But you do need to stand up for your rights in a relationship so that you don't get steamrolled.
Al2322
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Mar, 2017 07:13 pm
@jespah,
Thank you for your quick reply and advice!

I'm currently on a waiting list with a counsellor and I'm hoping it won't take too long!

I definitely agree with you about the free pass, I've never thought about it like that before! I'm willing to try and forgive and forget I just wish he could try to open up and be more understanding. I know he finds it hard but it would benefit us both.
0 Replies
 
spitmanfl
 
  3  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 05:35 am
@jespah,
Great reply, Jespah.
0 Replies
 
Fil Albuquerque
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2017 05:48 am
@Al2322,
It depends on context.
No, if the cheater is intelligent and self-aware enough.
Some sins have no redemption for those that bare the burden of being awake.
0 Replies
 
brettlee1
 
  2  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 02:25 am
@Al2322,
just forget and leave him because a person who cheat once always be a cheater move on with your life
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 10:57 am
A 22 year old is not able to be monogamous. Sorry, but most guys that age think with their penis.

He drank and jumped into bed with someone else? That's what some guys do. He's one of them.

He thinks nothing of it and discounts your feelings. And now he gets angry when you bring it up.

Please get some counseling. Strengthen yourself for this and other incidents you will face in your 20's.
WineNot
 
  2  
Reply Thu 16 Mar, 2017 08:40 pm
@Al2322,
I agree with Punkey- he sounds way too immature and selfish. If he thinks getting drunk is an excuse- he's wrong. Also the fact that he isn't acting remorseful- he gets defensive when you're upset instead of being sympathetic and apologetic- those are signs he's not remorseful and there's a good chance it would happen again.
I suggest a good counselor for you (remember you may have to try a few to find a good fit). You need to understand his cheating wasn't about you (don't think you weren't good enough or were lacking in something). I hope you can work on building yourself up and moving on.
Lina Stef
 
  1  
Reply Wed 22 Mar, 2017 01:27 pm
Okay let me tell you this. Because honestly am angry right now on your behalf. He doesn't have the ******* right to snap. You could've dumped his sorry ass. Honey, once a cheater always a cheater. As much as I would've loved him, I would've broke up with him. Now that he sees your undying love for him, he will realize you can't survive without him and no matter what you trust him too Much you won't break up with him. He's basically TAKING control over you and you're too blind to see it. He knows you won't leave him so he WILL do it again, he will cheat on you. You might not know, and he might tell you. Although he won't care or be scared as much as the first time. I hope this opened your eyes, I wasn't trying to be rude or mean but you don't deserve this, at least not in this situation. He is obviously a manwhore and an asshole behind that mask of his.
Al2322
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Mar, 2017 12:21 pm
@Lina Stef,
I don't think you were rude or mean at all thank you so much for your reply! I completely agree with you! I just find it really hard because I'm still trying to see him as the person I saw him as before all this happened, I'm such a forgiving person but I don't know where it'll end, I know I can't keep forgiving him for everything but I just don't what else to do.
Al2322
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Mar, 2017 12:24 pm
@WineNot,
Thanks so much for replying to me! I'm currently on a wait list for a counseller I'm hoping to be seen soon as I know I really need the professional help. He does try to be sympathetic but it's rare for him to totally open up because he's so used to repressing bad things, I know I shouldn't have to deal with the repocussions of his actions but I'm too forgiving. Sad
0 Replies
 
Al2322
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Mar, 2017 12:27 pm
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for your reply! I do believe he won't do it again but I know I shouldn't accept that he could do it in the first place! I'm waitlisted for counselling at the minute but I definitely will take any opportunity to have sessions and try and work past this Smile thanks again
0 Replies
 
WineNot
 
  3  
Reply Thu 23 Mar, 2017 08:18 pm
@Al2322,
What he has to realize is his cheating ripped you apart and although it happened one night and he may be over it, it will take a long time for you to truly heal. Once trust is broken, it takes much longer to repair. So although he may "regret it" and perhaps he is truly sorry and it won't happen again, I am not sure he will be able to handle facing the fact that he did this to you (and your relationship) and that HE needs to take full responsibility for it and be there for you- be supportive of you- when you have your low moments because of this (and you will). I speak from experience. If your partner can get over his defensiveness and need to push the issue away because it's uncomfortable for him, then maybe you can work through it; however, if he continues acting like this, I am afraid it probably won't work.
To hell with his feelings and the fact that he can't express himself well. That just means it's uncomfortable for him and he would rather move on and not dwell on what happened. The fact is, he screwed up so he needs to stop being selfish and put your needs above his own. Right now that need is for him to be emotionally supportive and to continue to be reassuring. It's going to take that for you move past it.

Good luck with the counselor. Remember that no matter how "wonderful" a counselor may be- many times it comes down to if the two of you are a good fit or not. If you don't feel like you click after the first several visits,don't be afraid to find someone else. I wish you the best and if he's not willing to put you first, I wish you the strength to walk away and find someone who will.
0 Replies
 
Maddewheeeler2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 3 Apr, 2017 02:27 pm
@Al2322,
I just had a VERY similar situation happen last week. I want to forgive him and believe he will never do it again. despite the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" People do make mistakes, and if he loves you and is truly sorry you can see it in his eyes. Although monogamy is hard, its not an excuse. Stand firm and if you give him another chance, don't cave for anything. Stand your ground and let him know if he doesn't try or this repeats your gone. Has anything been better between you and your boyfriend?
Al2322
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Apr, 2017 06:14 pm
@Maddewheeeler2,
Hello! Sorry for such a late reply. I'm so sorry that you've gone through something similar it's absolutely horrible Sad it's been nearly 3 months now and we are still together. I haven't cried about it all in nearly 2 weeks and I'm not obsessing over every little detail anymore which is great because that was the worst part for me.
I trust my boyfriend not to repeat the same actions and I do believe that he has learned from it, he doesn't like being a bad person and it has always stemmed from him drinking too much. He is making a conscious effort to try control his drinking in future but if he finds it too hard he is going to seek professional help.
I am still upset about it all but it doesn't hurt as much as it did before, I just feel quite empty. I hope that this will change in time as it isn't a nice feeling. I also find it hard because I'm living in the same area as the girl he cheated with and she makes me so angry, it doesn't help that we had an awkward encounter a few weeks ago and I don't want to ever have to see her again!
I hope everything is getting better with you and if you need someone to talk to I'm happy to help you Smile
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