What choice to make, after ultimatum?

I couldn't agree with you more phoenix... nice post.

You know

I really appreciate everyones help, be it constructive or not. I just need to see others points of views so that I don't think that it's just me and that the whole world has gone crazy and what she is asking is just a normal things.

I want you all to know that divorce is the last option to me, I've been there before, so I know the damage it can cause to all involved. So, before I go that way, I'll utilize all the means I can to correct this matter, all except giving in, THAT I am not about to do.

As for boundaries Phoenix, they've been crossed before and there is just no respect for me as a man in this relationship. To offer someone that you vowed, for whatever that was worth, to love until death, sex with anyone is just a total violation of marriage, IMO. What sort of morality would I preach if I just go with what she is asking. Not a good one. No, I'm not perfect, but I do have some morals.

As for counseling, I will consider it but I'll go by myself. Asking her right now would probably only add oil to the fire.

Prone

Noddy

I need you to know, that if the choice were to be made, her or God, BYE BYE WIFEY.

As for bones of contention, if you only knew. Everything can easily become a bone of contention for her. My being married before is a bone of contention to some degree. Though when we met, I told her that I was divorced, so why continue to hold on to that madness. Things she felt I should have done or said become bones of contention. It can be rather hostile just because I don't see what she sees.

Prone

[/QUOTE]It can be rather hostile just because I don't see what she sees.

Noddy

I meant hostile in reference to her mouth/verbal abuse. Which I can always just walk away from. As for the matter of who wears the pants in the house, well we both do, this is suppose to be a equal partnership.

As for the choice of my sanity or my wife, that seems to be the same choice. Stay and go crazy, go and go crazy with the divorcing her, as my son needs me there too.

As for my choice of God over her, I'll choose God over her and life it's self. It's not a hard choice, I been that committed to God since HE found me.

Children come first--and a swinging lifestyle is not good for children.

When either partner says "My way, or else!" that partner is trying to be the dominant person in the relationship.

Divorce is not good for kids--but a hostile marriage isn't good for them either.

Could your wife be jealous of your relationship with God?

Ah, so there is a child. Is he from your first marriage, or from your current marriage?

If he's from your first marriage, it will be easier to walk as you will not have to deal with custody issues, etc., although of course it will not be easy for the boy to go through a second divorce. If he is from your current marriage, things will get more complex but it is a means of talking to her. As was said before, is sex with a woman worth the breakup of your marriage? And, is sex with a woman worth putting your son through a divorce?

It's been my experience that people who do not put their children's needs first are incredibly immature at best and destructive at worst. Breaking up your marriage may not seem like putting your son's needs first, but it's better than him living in a toxic environment wherein your wife is constantly harping on stuff that she cannot control and is continually putting you down.

Who needs that?

I agree with everything Lash said on the first page. I too am a Christian.

If she respects you or your faith at all, why would she ask you such a thing? There's NO QUESTION she knows this is immoral. You shouldn't be embarrassed to talk to your minister about this. Trust me, they've heard everything. What do you think those you respect in faith (your Brothers in Christ) would say? What does your gut tell you? Have you prayed on it? ...even though the answer is clear, praying for God to still give you an answer can maybe clear up some butterflies/confusion.

I would want to work on what your wife can do to find fulfillment through you in bed or in your daily life than what someone ELSE can do to spice up your life.

Tell her to bring to you references to how bringing in another partner will solve what she feels she is missing. You want to make the right decisions afterall right?

.....and most definitely, even if this is resolved between you and her, you may still want to get counseling.

I don't think any of you are providing the answer he's looking for.

Welcome to A2K prone2wander.

Disclaimer: Please forgive any seeming lack of sensitivity. I intend to answer honestly, if not necessarily gently.

You are not getting it done in the bedroom, dude. Buy a book. Learn some new tricks. Your God doesn't have a problem with you having some fun in there (I hope). Your wife is bored to tears. You've said as much here, believe me. You are very lucky she isn't cheating on you (if she isn't). I'm serious... you've got to start ringing her bell.

Buy a book and get a little kinky... that is what you can offer as a compromise. A willingness to learn how to please her. Telling her your God doesn't want you to do it is putting her libido in a coma. This is how you can save your marriage.

If that doesn't work, sleep with the other woman for crying out loud. You'll have nothing to lose anyway, because your marriage will be in a de facto state of being over anyway. So enjoy it. Your wife probably won't (really)... unless she is a lesbian, and that you'd want to know anyway. Your God will forgive you and provide you the strength you need to get over it. Odds are very good she'd be sorry she ever made you do it. Scarce few women really want to share their man in reality.

Now go buy a decent sex book that will teach you what you're missing. With any luck; that's all it will take.

Good luck, and again, welcome to A2K!

OCCOM,

First let me say this so that you won't further equate me with your inadequacies in bed. You don't know me, so don't label me. I'm more of a man than you will ever be!

Now that I said that, your suggestion on a book is one that has already been done. I've been that route and could probably show you some stuff the didn't cover in the last coloring book you read.

As for you suggestion on sleeping with the other women, that would be your choice and not mines. Obviously you have no morals and have no regard for anything sacred.

As for God forgiving me, I am sure He would if I did, but why should I even entertain that when I know it's wrong and against what HE wants me to do? I think not my friend. I'll just pass on your suggestions and live right with MY GOD! Wife or no wife, it's better to have Him.

I had thought about the 'spicing up sex' aspect initially--but she seems to have little of no consideration for her husband. I think the sex thing is a symptom of a much larger problem. She doesn't seem to value her husband.

The differences in faith and morality will not allow them to have a harmonious marriage. She's pushing him in a direction she knows he can't go. I think she's using it as a tool to force an end to the marriage.

So you have decided not to do it?

Good choice.

Joahaeyo

I am a minister and I haven't spoken to my Pastor yet, this all happened over the weekend. Since then I've been trying to sort though what happened, what was said and what I need to do next. Praying is indeed the first thing I had to do. But even at times, that doesn't take away the hurt I felt from the whole experience. Nonetheless, God will see me through it all! That I can bank on.

I see that most people here are into seeking counseling so I will try that as I said I would.

Thank you for suggestions,


Prone

Sorry I offended you dude. That was not my intention. You do realize you are an anonymous person online and none of these people know you, right? I have to tell you: Your reaction, or overreaction I should say, tells me my assessment was spot on. Now go ahead and take another potshot at me, but then go get that book.

I agree with everyone that you shouldn't be forced to do anything, least of all anything that intrusive, that you don't want to do and/or feel is wrong.

That said, if she is unsatisfied with your sex life while you think it's "pretty good", then there's obviously some communication mismatch there. If she doesn't think your sex life is "pretty good", then it isn't. Period. Just like it wouldn't be good if you didn't think so. A sex life that's only enjoyed by the one person is no good.

So, though I totally agree with everyone else that you should never be pushed into giving in on this one, I do think that you could see it as a wake-up call in terms of recognizing that something there needs to be worked on, anyway. Both parties need to be satisfied.

Of course, it's possible that she won't ever be satisfied by anything you're willing to do - and that you wouldn't be happy doing anything she'd prefer. Then it's simply a compatibility issue. That sucks, because it's not something you can easily change, it's very hard to be rational about or work around.

Also, all the above is just purely focused on the sex issue. But I also agree with Lash and all the others that there seems to be a lot more wrong here. So even if you were willing to spice up your sex life (in any way that doesn't involve doing something you feel is fundamentally wrong), you'd probably still face serious problems. The things Jespah mentioned: her harping on stuff that she cannot control and continually putting you down, pushing you to do something you strongly dislike, not taking no for an answer, and then pouting and withholding when she doesn't get her way, talking about it in public spaces when she knows you feel extermely uncomfortable about that - all that stuff bodes ill in a much more general way than just regarding the threesome.

Actually, thinking about that - she simply also sounds very angry. Perhaps angry at you (almost like she's taunting you, pushing you in anger) - but perhaps just angry, in general, because of some past issues and/or personality problem or whatnot.

occom

Thank you for suggestions, now be gone, please


Prone

Sorry, had not finished that post properly the first time round, now it's better.

Well, if it was me, I'd do the threesome. That's more or less my dream, so I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Okay, now it's my brains turn to say something -

If she new your thoughts about this issue prior to your marriage, for her to issue that type of ultimatum is wrong.
And if she is willingly going to deny you happiness because of that (make love) just to get her way, she's even further off base.

Think about it, she's willing to knowingly try to make you unhappy in order to get her way and go against something you strongly believe in. F*CK THAT. Where does it stop? What do you have left?

I'll be damned before a women tries to make me trade my conviction about something for sex. And guess what, now I'm seperated and about to get divorced (we still love each other however & are on good terms).

I wonder how prone's doing with this.
It doesn't sound like it was a good situation for either of them.

Ultimatum
Hi BIC!
I came across this while looking for answers on how to deal with not being close to my sister anymore. Anyway your dilemma caught my eye. I'm a Christian too and my boyfriend (who I plan to marry) is one as well. It was very important to each of us to find a mate that shares our beliefs. It didn't matter that we have different racial and cultural backgrounds. God says that Christians should only marry other Christians. Do not give in to your wife's demand. Threesomes are not a part of a normal married sex life. I am by no means telling you to divorce her. That is not part of God's plan for anyone. You need to tell her that you love her and want her to be saved as well. Help her. If she chooses to leave then there is nothing you can do. You tried everything. I'm praying for you and your wife.