What choice to make, after ultimatum?

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Hey everybody,

I'm a little new at this, but just reaching out for some views on a situation in my life. My wife just issued me a ultimatum concerning sex and if I don't comply with her, then I can just forget about having any sort of sex life with her. You see my wife wants to have a 3 some and I am not with that. I am a Christian, to which I see from reading some of the replies on here, some people have a problem with Christianity and/or it's views. And I didn't get married to have sex with anyone else but her. If I wanted to have multiple partners I could have stayed single and unsaved and did that.

But, anyway since I said no to her for the 40th time, I'm cut off completely. And because my views are Christian, as her's should be also, I'm self righteous, and use being a christian only for my benefit. This hurts more than the fact she cut me off, as I am in the ministry and would not do that. I'm dry and boring and don't want to do anything. I'm inhibited and closed minded, these are just some of the things that get thrown at me because I said no.

So, tell me, all you great minds, what are your opinions? Should I go against my convictions and just do this 3 some, even though I know that it will have a negative effect some place down the line. Or do I just take a stand and do without, which I am very well prepared to do?

Think constructively,and your won't be destructive in your respond, Prone2wander

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It sounds like she's handling this terribly. Does she want a threesome with you and another woman or you and another man? If the former, the first thing that comes to mind is that she may be lesbian or strongly bi and is trying to come to terms with that.

How do you feel about going to a counselor to try to deal with this?

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Damn, honey. You're in the ministry?

But, you use Christianity only for your benefit?

You have much more serious problems than your marriage.

What a conundrum.

Taking these few lines seriously, I think you should get out of the ministry and into counselling, pronto.

Additionally, (I'm a Christian BTW) forgetting your "Christianity", if a partner tries to force you to do something you really, legitimately feel uncomfortable with--you shouldn't do it. If she leaves, that's what needs to happen.

Hope you will resolve your Christianity before forwarding your ministerial goals. It would be wrong for you--and for those who count on you as a minister. And, if you actually do believe in God--he doesn't take these things in stride. A religious leader is held to a high standard.

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Disclaimer-- Interpretation of God's views are taken from the Bible, not my opinion.

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Um, or did you mean she SAID you only use Christianity for your own purposes... Your text was a little unclear there...

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(From the context... "This hurts..." I think it was what she said to him.)

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You must be right, soz. Who would have the insight to realize such a thing, and the honesty to say it...?

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prone2wander--

You and your wife have very different versions of Christian dogma.

You may have to decide who is more central to your being, your God or your wife.

You do not sound like a man who could be bullied; a man who is firm in his belief. Good.

Does your wife have any other bones of contention aside from wanting her husband, a man of the church, to be a swinger?

By the way, I'm an agnostic.

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"It sounds like she's handling this terribly. Does she want a threesome with you and another woman or you and another man? If the former, the first thing that comes to mind is that she may be lesbian or strongly bi and is trying to come to terms with that.

How do you feel about going to a counselor to try to deal with this?"

If that is the case, then I need to leave her alone. I didn't get married to her to have her go the other way on me, If that is the case.

But from what has been said to me, this is a fantasy for her. It's a 2 women, one man thing. And to try and sweeten so I would go for it, she says it would be for my benefit. And because I have said no, I am not letting her fulfill her fantasy, who's benefit is that? I am told that she would let me fulfill mine, if mines were the same as her's. But, I have known great marriages that were torn apart behind a little roll in the hay and 3 somes. Why should I let mine succumb to the same?

As for counseling, I would consider it, but as far as I know, counseling is not the answer. It's my saying yes to the nonsense that will make things alright with her.

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Well, obviously you don't want to, and I agree the "for your benefit" stuff is beyond silly in that context. So it seems that counseling is the answer IF you want to try to salvage things -- if you think this is sufficient reason to give up on the marriage or that the marriage is already over, that's your perogative.

What I'm saying is that there are clearly issues here, and if your interest is in resolving them (not giving in, resolving), counseling would seem to help. It's a major issue if one spouse will not take no for an answer.

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Actually, let me add that counseling can help a lot with resolution even if the resolution is to decide to go your separate ways. It's not only for if you want to salvage things.

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Sozobe,

To be able to work out a compromise, there has, in my opinion, be a level of agreement between the parties. That level of agreement just doesn't exist with us. The ultimatum I was given tends to show that. I have done counseling with couples before, as a Pastor, and when you set up a boundary such as this, you are saying, my way or no way. And I am not interested in how you feel, act, or what you say. Either give me my way, or I'm shutting you down. So, like I said, the suggestion of counseling is good one. But if 2 can not agree, how can the walk together? I haven't given up on my marriage, I just had it with this ultimatum. And the verbal abuse that comes along with it.

I really appreciate you help nonetheless

Prone, in a pickle..........

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Yes prone2wander, but if you were a dentist and had
a toothache, you'd go to another professional instead of
drilling yourself, right?

Counseling couples as a Pastor is somewhat different than
going to a professional therapist, especially when you're
emotionally involved in this matter.

You might be surprised of 2 people who don't see eye to
eye, will learn with professional help to recognize the
other party's dilemma and find a solution, both parties can
live with.

You're shutting yourself out from even discussing with your
wife, why she has these thoughts and why she wants to
have a threesome.

Without open communication there won't be solution found.

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prone2wander,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

If I were in your shoes I would ask myself if I wanted to be with a person that treats me like this... I would answer: NO.

My opinion is today it's a threesome, tomorrow it's a two-some and you won't be invited. I would put my foot down and say "I am not having a threesome. No IFs, ANDs or BUTs about it." This isn't a matter of not wanting to taking out the garbage or not helping with the dishes... I think of this a direct violation of the vows of your marriage. It as nothing to do with religion or fulfilling each others fantasies... she is asking you for your permission to cheat on you.

I think it would be a different if you were a willing participant in this. But you obviously do not feel that way. This can only lead to worse and more damaging problems. I say tell her no and if she can't live with that then she isn't worth living with.

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CalamityJane wrote:

Yes prone2wander, but if you were a dentist and had
a toothache, you'd go to another professional instead of
drilling yourself, right?

Counseling couples as a Pastor is somewhat different than
going to a professional therapist, especially when you're
emotionally involved in this matter.

You might be surprised of 2 people who don't see eye to
eye, will learn with professional help to recognize the
other party's dilemma and find a solution, both parties can
live with.

You're shutting yourself out from even discussing with your
wife, why she has these thoughts and why she wants to
have a threesome.

Without open communication there won't be solution found.

Calamity

Her reason is that she feels it will spice up our sex life, which to me is pretty good as it is. We have discussed this 3 some issue before in the past, and I still hold on to what my answer was before, NO! There was agreement to kill it, the issue, as it was not going to change. NOW, SOME MONTHS LATER, HERE WE GO AGAIN, AS IF I was going to change my mind now.

I have explained to her that I am not into the sharing of one another with anybody, I don't think that it is the right thing to do at all. But, because of that, I am penalized.

As for shutting her off, I right now am turned off, because this discussion we had concerning this took place while we were out having dinner. She had no respect for me by discussing it out openly and loudly. (I'm often subjected to this tactic then told that I am the one that started this, that or the other). Then the verbal abuse begins, enough is enough. If I'm not satisfying to her, then who am I to stand in the way
of her being satisfied, since that is so important to her?

I want to stay married, but right now a part of me wants out completely

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

prone2wander,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

If I were in your shoes I would ask myself if I wanted to be with a person that treats me like this... I would answer: NO.

My opinion is today it's a threesome, tomorrow it's a two-some and you won't be invited. I would put my foot down and say "I am not having a threesome. No IFs, ANDs or BUTs about it." This isn't a matter of not wanting to taking out the garbage or not helping with the dishes... I think of this a direct violation of the vows of your marriage. It as nothing to do with religion or fulfilling each others fantasies... she is asking you for your permission to cheat on you.

I think it would be a different if you were a willing participant in this. But you obviously do not feel that way. This can only lead to worse and more damaging problems. I say tell her no and if she can't live with that then she isn't worth living with.

JP,

I'm on my way to work, will respond to you when I get there ok. And to everyone else, thank you for your response, they are much need and taken with enthusiam and hope.

Prone................

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Hiya prone2wander,

I just saw this, welcome to A2K.

You're describing verbal abuse, far as I can tell. Forget the issue - it's her cutting you down that I think is really the problem. People who are in nonabusive situations tend to try to work out their problems or at least keep private stuff private.

I'm with those who suggested counseling, but keep in mind that it might not salvage your marriage and staying married to her might not be the hottest idea, anyway. Regardless of how you feel about swinging, pushing someone to do something they strongly dislike, not taking no for an answer, and then pouting and withholding when one doesn't get one's way smells a lot like immaturity/borderline abuse. And what adult wants to be saddled with that kind of nonsense in a partner?

If you both wanted to swing hey, great, do it, be sure to use condoms. If she wanted to, and you didn't, but you could compromise with other bedroom stuff (dressing up, very mild bondage, new positions, that sort of thing - I'm not talking about anything hurtful), hey, great, go for it. But what we have here is the irresistable force meeting the immovable object. There are just some things that don't lend themselves to compromises (e. g. one partner wants kids, the other one wants none - that's another issue that does not lend itself to any sort of a compromise), and this seems to be one of them.

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Prone, if you want to stay married, this has to be dealt with, period. I liked CJ's dentist analogy.

If you don't want to stay married, that needs to be dealt with as well. Counselors can help make that transition go more smoothly, as well as giving each of you tools to deal with the grief etc. that occurs with the demise of a relationship.

Obviously, the status quo is not working. You can just walk out, which is again your perogative -- again, I think her refusal to take no for an answer is a serious offense. All I am saying is that given that the status quo is not working, going to counselling can help resolve the issue one way or the other.

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If she's giving you this ultimatum, knowing how you feel about it, she's in effect, asking for a divorce, it seems to me.

Have you asked her if having sex with a woman is worth divorcing you over?

Like someone else has said--it seems she's really desperate to have sex with a female. Don't think a marriage--with someone who feels as you do--will survive her desire.

I think sozobe is correct. Even if she refuses counselling, I think you would benefit--no matter where this marriage winds up.

Good luck.

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I don't think that the entire issue has anything to do with Christianity. The issue is two people who have an entirely different concept of boundries in marriage. I agree that she is verbally abusing you. She may have issues with her own sexuality.

Personally, IMO, any woman who is demanding something that is so abhorrent to her husband, is not exhibiting a modicum of love or concern for his feelings.

I agree with those people who have suggested counselling..................you need to learn how to handle this entire matter, whenther the marriage stays intact or not.

BTW, I don't think that it would be a good idea for you to give in to her. From what I have read, for you, having a threesome would bring up a lot of emotional strife for you.

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What choice to make, after ultimatum?

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