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Fiance rather take "bucket list" vacations with his BFF

 
 
Peg44
 
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 06:31 pm
My fiancee is an avid hunter. Since I was in a family where men hunt that shouldn't be a big deal. I can deal with most of it- he goes for almost 2 weeks to Colorado every year and week 1/2 to Montana or South Dakota with his buddies. He also goes to his lease (9 hours away) 2-3 times a year so all in all he spends about 5-6 weeks away hunting with his friends and I am fine with that. What I am NOT ok with is that every 2-3 years they do a big hunt (or fishing trip) out of the country (Brazil, Alaska, Canada, Costa Rica, Africa, Argentina, etc.). These are his "bucket list" trips and as he says it's his "once in a lifetime" trip bc he will probably never get to go again. This year they are going for almost 2 weeks in June to Australia (Might I add that I am a school counselor and I am only off for 5 weeks and he is going during the time I have off bc that was when they could get the trip!). Anyway, I am very upset that he never includes me in any of these "once in a lifetime" trips out of the country. In fact, I have postponed the wedding bc I told him once we were married, I thought I should be given the option of going. I am not overly possessive or anything.... He already goes 5-6 weeks with his buddies hunting during the year so I do not think I am being unreasonable. My point is- these are amazing places and amazing experiences and I would like to share in those.
I know there are couples who take separate vacations every year and once married I could spend the same amount of money and go on some amazing trip with my female friends; however, that is NOT the couple I want to be or the relationship I want. He and I have both been married before (he is 49, I am 44) and I didn't have this type of marriage before (seperate vacations) and don't want to start one like this.
His side is he has been hunting with his BFF for 25+ years and they always go together with a group of 2-6 other men and it's just what they do. My response is I understand that for all of the local hunts (I say local, but they are still 12-20 hour trips.... they are just in the USA). I just don't get why he wouldn't WANT to share these amazing experiences with me. I hunted with my family and my first husband. and I love to fish. I don't even have to hunt- I can video his hunt or entertain myself while he is hunting and then spend some time in the evening with him in this "cool" country. I told him after the hunting was over, we could stay in that country another 2-3 days and explore and that I would be a part of that lifetime memory. I think it's wrong for him to just plan to share it with his BFF (his BFF had kids late so he has young kids and wife doesn't want to leave kids. She said when they are grown she wants to go. My daughter is grown so yes, I want to go with him now)
I do not need anyone to bash me and tell me I am too possessive (I am not)- I am simply asking for honest non-biased opinions. Am I wrong to expect to be included in these amazing trips (to be a part of these amazing experiences) once we are married or should I just accept that he would rather do all of this with his BFF and other friends?
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 06:44 pm
@Peg44,
Peg44 wrote:
should I just accept that he would rather do all of this with his BFF and other friends?


seems like this is your only realistic option with this guy if you want to marry him.

it would probably be a deal-breaker for me. not the actual trip but the way you describe his attitude toward it. it seems his priority is a vacation with his friend over being considerate toward you.

good luck (have you gone for pre-marital counselling already? this is a guy I'd definitely say needs to be part of one of those groups)
Peg44
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:08 pm
@ehBeth,
Thank you for response. I postponed the wedding (and actually pulled back and asked for a break) bc I am thinking it might be a deal breaker for me as well- He knew from the beginning that was not the type of relationship I want (I want my spouse to be my lover as well as my BFF). When I talk to him he makes it all seem so "reasonable".... I guess I just wanted a few opinions to see if other people would also find this hurtful and wrong or if I was wrong to expect this.

He and I usually go on a one week vacation each year (to the beach or skiing), but he spends a lot more time away (and money) on trips with his friends. I think he will need to compromise or there will be no trip down the isle Sad
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:12 pm
@Peg44,
Maybe he's not a guy for a serious relationship. Maybe he's a casual friend with occasional benefits type. He certainly doesn't read like someone who is focused on his relationship with you.

You both have choices - and decisions to make.
0 Replies
 
TomTomBinks
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:16 pm
@Peg44,
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you fiancée is a douchebag. He is selfish and already takes you for granted and you're not even married yet. You're a "given". He knows it and won't make any effort because he doesn't have to. He's very confident you won't leave him. It would be interesting to see how he'd grovel if you put your foot down and canceled the wedding.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:21 pm
You want to go on these trips with a bunch of guys? You really think thats going to happen?

I myself would let this all-guy thing happen . I would be planning another trip - just the two of us- to somewhere very exciting while he was gone .

(If you two were in your 20's my answer would be different, but at 49, he and his buddies have this entrenched "guys trip")
0 Replies
 
Peg44
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:34 pm
@Peg44,
Not to defend him but I was a little one sided (bc this is a deal breaking issue for me) and didn't give his good points. He is "obsessed" with hunting close to 2 months a year; however the other 10 months he's a great boyfriend. He and I do just about every thing else together (hike, fish, ski, host dinner parties, etc). He's actually usually very good about doing things for me and includes me in pretty much every thing else. We have a lot of fun together.

He has his annual (USA) hunts with his friends and I spend that time with my family and friends. It's the big "once in a lifetime" getaways (every 2-3 years) that I'm not ok with. And yes, I know his friends and am fine going with them. I am an independent woman and if I don't go on the actual hunt I can find things to occupy my time and still be there in the evening. Like I said we can stay an additional 2-3 days after hunt to explore the country (I can do a little before hand) He's really a good boyfriend/ fiancé most of the time (my post made him out to be a jerk- he's not). He's just a jerk about these trips.
And I agree- if he isn't willing to compromise I may have to move on.
TomTomBinks
 
  3  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 07:43 pm
@Peg44,
He may be a fine boyfriend part of the year. Think about that for a second.

Hopping around the world with your buddies is great if you're single. Why would anyone want to exclude their fiancée (wife) from these amazing experiences. A better question is why would a fiancée (wife) be OK with it?
Peg44
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 08:02 pm
@TomTomBinks,
You're correct. The only friend I spoke with (that knows I've asked for a break w him bc of this) tells me I could be making a huge mistake. I guess I needed some validation that I'm not being "dramatic" and this isn't normal in a healthy mature relationship. At least not the relationship I want. I agree- it's fine if you're single- not married. Thanks!
0 Replies
 
WineNot
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 08:30 pm
@Peg44,
I agree- this would be a deal breaker. If he wants to act single, let him be single and find someone who will put you over his BFF
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  0  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 08:33 pm
@Peg44,
I've been an avid traveler most of my adult life, and wish my wife was interested in travel too, but she isn't. I was lucky, because I met up with a Canadian who lives in Mexico on one of my trips, and we've traveled the world together. Our last few trips have been to Cuba, and we now have friends there. We even know Hiroshi Robaina who owns the largest tobacco farm in Cuba. We've traveled all over Europe, South America and Asia. In all, I've traveled to over 80 countries. My travel days have been reduced drastically the past couple of years because of health issues, but my yearning is still there. My wife and I went to Hawaii and Yosemite National Park last year, and we're going to Hawaii in March for about ten days.
My travel buddy said we may go to Cuba in October or November.
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 08:42 pm
@Peg44,
Peg44 wrote:

that is NOT the couple I want to be or the relationship I want.


Well Peg, I guess you've answered your own question right here.

For what it's worth, (I'm a female btw, 58 years old married 20 plus years) I don't see him as being a douchebag, inconsiderate or anything else.

It seems he's been nothing upfront and honest about his desires to get away on a regular basis with his friends. Apparantly he earns the kind of living where he can afford to, and the time to do it. I say good for him.

As punkey says, these are trips that are all guys. Do you really want to be the female that's going to be tagging along taking videos and generally cramping their guy time? What makes you think his friends would go for that? Like he's not going to earn the nickname Pussy Whipped?

Neither one of you are kids. You both have your own interests. So it's a total of 12 or so weeks for the year. That's priceless time to yourself. You'll enjoy your time together that much more.

WineNot
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 08:55 pm
@cicerone imposter,
I guess you summed up your opinion. You would love your wife to go and share this experience (traveling) with you. Since she doesn't want to, you go with your friend. Peg44 WANTS to go and share this with him- seems like he should compromise and give her the option of going also.
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 09:28 pm
@WineNot,
What about the other friends involved? They have no say in the matter?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 09:35 pm
@chai2,
I don't think what his friends want matter. Really.

This is about their relationship.

Is he willing to consider his girlfriend/fiance/wife's wishes re one trip every couple of years when she is being open-minded about 2 months of hunting he does every year?

If he wanted her there, he could make his friend understand. They already know that his friend's wife will be part of the bucket trips in the future. That he's not considering a modification earlier for his own partner is telling.
TomTomBinks
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 09:52 pm
@ehBeth,
Quote:
If he wanted her there, he could make his friend understand.


What if he doesn't want her there for ANOTHER reason; i.e. Brokeback Mountain?
0 Replies
 
Peg44
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 10:46 pm
@chai2,
I see your point and appreciate your input; however, I already have plenty of time to myself while he's hunting. Even when he's home, if I want to go spend the day shopping with friends or a girls week end get away, I can go. The point it these ARE once in a lifetime trips and I would like to go on some of them (granted there are some places I wouldn't care to go, but others I would). If he doesn't want to include me in these amazing experiences/ travels, then obviously I am not a high priority to him. I have no problem with the 5-6 weeks of hunting with his buddies EVERY year but once married, I expect to be included on the "out of the country" adventures. I've asked for space and told him why -I was very clear from the very beginning that I wanted a total partner if I ever remarried.... he was a little less clear since he assured me many times he wanted the same. The first hunt we had only been dating a year and didn't expect to go. This hunt I was a little surprised it didn't even seem to cross his mind when he made plans. I've told him we both need time to think bc this is not the type of marriage I want to get into.
Peg44
 
  2  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 10:47 pm
@ehBeth,
Exactly!
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 12:15 am
@Peg44,
He has been doing this for 25+ years already. At 49 years of age, It's highly unlikely you, or anyone, will get him to change.

If you did manage to change his mind and let you go - it is very likely his friends would be rather resentful of you (as you're intruding on a 25+ male bonding tradition), and they would attach some of that resentment to him.

I'm not going to make judgements on whether that is right or wrong. I wouldn't even say it's inconsiderate (if at other times he shows lots of consideration).

I'd only say that you need to consider how you feel about it, and whether or not it is a dealbreaker for you. This is something only you can decide. If you take other peoples advice, you can end up with regrets (when something sounded right, or the 'normal response' but wasn't all of what you felt)
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 10:48 am
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

I don't think what his friends want matter. Really.

This is about their relationship.

Is he willing to consider his girlfriend/fiance/wife's wishes re one trip every couple of years when she is being open-minded about 2 months of hunting he does every year?

If he wanted her there, he could make his friend understand. They already know that his friend's wife will be part of the bucket trips in the future. That he's not considering a modification earlier for his own partner is telling.



He can "make" his friends understand?

The other woman going in the future is not a done deal. We know nothing about it other than what the OP has said. That's a situation for those 2 to work out.

The OP has stated several times this is not the kind of marriage she wants. That is very telling.

Ultimately, what was said about not following someone else's advice is the key. Seems in sharing her thoughts she's finding her own solution.

To me, this isn't the type of situation that young people considering marrying come across. Meaning the switch from hanging out with guys to pairing off, leaving one or two guys who just don't get that no one wants to hang out at the sports bar anymore.

This appears to be the time tested relationships of mature men who have complex, rich bonds that go beyond the activity of hunting.

Me, I would have to question my need or motive for wanting to change this time honored, dare I say sacred tradition that involves not just 2 people, but an entire group.

This his his bucket list, not theirs. They can write another bucket list of their own.
 

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