Where do I turn?

Did your father set you an example of neglecting yourself?

Father Comment
Probably not...the family was dysfunctional for sure..He was an alcoholic..

There is no such thing as a perfect family. I have friends that are recovering alcoholics that say they had a wonderful childhood. Go figure.

Update
I have been going now for 5 days to meetings and have gotten to 9 meetings so far. I cannot believe how far I have come in those days. I am starting to feel real good about myself which has always been a problem for me. Right now I am excited and real happy. I feel like I am at peace. I hope this feeling stays with me.

Meetings are like medicine for the mind and soul, which needs to be fed on a continuous basis. Just keep doing what you are doing.
And everything will slowly start to get better and better.
Keep us posted.

Day 10 No Alcohol
Today I hit day 10...I feel great...I have lost a bunch of weight...I am feeling very good about myself...my only downfall is that I miss my wife badly. I am excited about me and I want to share that with her, but I tend to forget just what I put her through. This is where it get's hard. I don't want to not talk to her at all, but I also want her to know what is going on. I have to remember that she may have a hard time believing that if I call her now, it's not for the same reason I used to call before.

I know what it's like to want to call someone close to you and not be able to, especially when good thing's are happening. Holding back takes patience.
Not calling her will more than likely draw her back to you as she will be wondering what you are doing, so just let her be.
You could try this, 'substitute' every time you get the urge to call her, do something positive for yourself, like call someone in the program, do a hundred sit ups (think how great you will look), hang around this website, there are SO many diverse, talented and interesting people here. And topics galore!
Old habits need to be replaced with new healthy ones, but keep going to meetings.
Keep up the good work and let us know how you are doing.

Update
Today is day 11 with no alcohol. I went to two meetings and then again went to the Tuesday night commitment that we usually go to. My wife and I had prearranged for me to call at 11pm. I think a prearranged time is better for the both of us. When I called her a 11pm I was really excited to tell her about the night's activities and how I handled them. Before making the call I wondered how I would act if she did not answer the phone at 11pm. I remembered the prayer "God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot control. Wow what a change from the way I felt in the past. I was real happy. She was not available at 11pm and in the past days I would have been just one big ball of insecurity wondering where is she, what is she doing, but I wasn't. She called me about 11:30pm and I just couldn't wait to get out the activities of the night. I told her how I had done, I also told her how I felt. She had a couple of drinks and I could tell it in her voice. When I finished what I had to say, her response to me was "You never asked me how my night was or how I did." She seemed very upset about that and with the alcohol in her she went on and on about it. I did not have a good night after that. If I slept two hours it was alot. I tried calling her a few times, but she did not answer. I know now how she felt when I drank and I did what I did to her. Last night was a much smaller scale, but I know how terrible I feel and I know some of what she felt. Thank you for your input.

Learning to think about taking care of yourself is hard--and so is taking care of other people.

Remember, beginners aren't supposed to be perfect. Beginners are beginners.

Hn

It's day 13, how are you doing?

Update
Today is day 14. No alcohol. Let's see, yesterday I didn't call my wife at all. I don't know if she is coming back because she doesn't know if she is coming back either. We did talk however and I am convinced that she needs this time to get back what I so blindly took away. I think she is really happy that I am getting help and she has even said things like "That was you before" or "I realize that was before AA" I went to two very powerful AA meetings yesterday. I am the new guy, the new alcoholic and when I shared that I wasn't quite sure that an AA meeting is where I belonged. I learned very quickly that I was wrong. The reason I said that was because I don't have the cravings for alcohol. When I decided to stop drinking, I settled for that. So here I am in an AA meeting listening to others talk about cravings and I decided to blurt this new revelation to everyone. I have shared my experiences every single meeting I have gone to. I learned that I do belong in AA. There are people there that understand this disease that I have and are reaching out to me to help. Why? because someone helped them to get to where they are today. My story, as tragic as it may seem to me, is nothing compared to most that I hear. Especially those that have gone and come back. Anyway I wanted to keep everyone updated as to my progress. As far as my wife goes, I love her and I miss her, but I believe she made the very right decision to go away and give it some time. Thank you everyone for your support and I will continue to post the progress.

This all sounds good.

Good, Help needed. Stay with AA and keep growing as a person.

Good job HN.

The lessons we get don't alway's come in the form we expect them to, but they are usually the most worthy of learning.

Holding back, giving yourself and wife space is a lesson in patience.

Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.

Keep us posted.

Day 15
Today is day 15. I feel great today. The roller coaster of emotions has not been so drastic today. I tried to go to the AA Halloween party last night, but I was just not ready for a fun social event. I left and went home early. I read my AA book for a bit, prayed and went to bed. My wife called just as I was about to dose off. We spoke a little. I have to remember not to let myself get on the subject of our relationship which is where it goes most of the time. I am learning patience very slowly. I heard from her first thing this morning and we didn't talk about us at all. It is a beautiful day today and I am much happier with myself today than I was 16 days ago or even my whole life. Thank you everyone for continuing to listen.

Good news. Keep in mind, if your wife returns, your marriage will be stronger if both of you can share and talk about the greater world rather than just "My Day".

If she doesn't return, you are stronger.

Re: Day 15


It's very difficult to refrain from speaking about past situations with a spouse. It took me 4 years AFTER being divorced to not throw my husbands indiscretions in his face every time I talked to him (he gave me quite a bit of ammunition.) He has apologized and I have dealt/learned from the past.
We communicate much better now than when we were married.

Help Needed

Is it it day 19? How are you?

Day 19
Hello Everyone...today is day 19..I have not missed a meeting since I started..My wife is still away and hopefully she is working on getting better. I don't feel as empty anymore and I am getting used to coming home to an empty house. My wife and I talk once a day and we tell each other that we love each other and that we miss each other. I am working on me constantly and each day gets better and better. I can't even imagine what life would be like if I picked up a drink. God gives me the strength I need to not want to drink and so far it has worked perfectly. I think I will be able to be a much better husband and partner if she returns. Thank you everyone for your support. I will keep you posted.

Re: Day 19


You will be much better at everything if you keep doing what you are doing.
There is a book callled "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It is a book that assists in the process of self-care and recovery. Each page has a daily topic. This was today's...

ANGER

Feeling angry - and, sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move towards denial and acceptance.
As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame ourselves, our Higher Power, or others. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: "If only he would have done that....If I wouldn't have done that...Why didn't God do it differently?..."
We know that blame dosen't help. In recovery the watch words are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and occasionally indulge in some blaming.

It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.
Trust ourselves and the grief process. We won't stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.