Where do I turn?

A therapist will help you decide where to start. Very glad for you that you're getting help before you lose everything.

My husband took the last drink I would tolerate about three weeks ago, and then, the first one I wouldn't. He's alone. He's lost his family. He's out of chances. He can't believe he can't come back.

Don't do that to yourself. A person with a drinking problem is sometimes used to being forgiven, or second, third, fourth chances....but, they are pretty surprised when one day--their wife/husband says, "Get out. That's it. Don't come back."

After 10 years, 15, 24... It can be over in an instant.

I am assuming when you quit drinking--your insecurities will get much worse. I think you've been using the alcohol to hide from some reality you just can't stand to face. Usually, when a person stops a drinking habit--the reality rushes forward. You'll know it when you 'see' it. Be in counselling! May be linked to your insecurity.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Help Needed--

Welcome to A2K.

You said:




If I were your wife, I wouldn't consider a reconciliation until you were off the bottle. Have you tried AA? All by yourself of an evening it is very easy to say, "I'm insecure--so Ineed a drink."

Nonsense. No rationalization you have for drinking can top the reasons you have for stopping drinking.

When you drink, you aren't dealing with your insecurities--you're escaping from them--and alienating people who love you so that your insecurity grows....

Try AA. Would your wife be willing to try Al-Anon?

Good luck.

My situation is getting more complicated.
When I found out that my wife was not where she said she was, I only came to one conclusion and that there is someone else. Yesterday I got the cell phone bill and there were 129 phone calls and 646 text messages to certain telephone numbers in a period of 29 days. Her explanation was that she was helping a friend that needed advice about how to tell his family that he is gay. Now she is still in the area that she took off to. She took another day. In the meantime, I have had nothing to drink and will not do so. I have made up my mind not to drink and when I put my mind to something, I usually succeed. Don't I deserve some kind of explanation with regards to the phone calls? She started this whole trip on a lie and has since lied twice about other issues. She has apologized and said that she shouldn't have lied. When I got the phone bill, I guess I just was OK with the explanation until I had time to think about it. The times of the calls and the phone numbers were pretty much late at night when I was sleeping or during the day when she was working. There is more communication here than when we first met. I know I have to work on myself as I stated earlier. I am not sure whether or not I want to go through another reconciliation with someone that I am not sure that I can trust. A few days ago I was feeling self pity and anger. Now I am feeling used and angry. Even though the periods that I got drunk where awful at times, we have also had great times too. The last that we spoke on the phone, she said she wanted to try. I feel like I should tell her to stay away until I have had time to get myself together. Sometimes I feel like the relationship is over already and she is only telling me what I want to hear so that I can continue to pay her bills. Sometimes I feel like I want her to come back no matter what has happened so that we can get help together. I am sure that tomorrow I will have a different feeling. Should I tell her to stay away longer. I am sure that where she is staying will not mind her staying there a little longer. If I have managed to confuse anyone, I am sorry.

It sounds like you need substance abuse therapy, and psychotherapy for your abuse issues, and couples therapy as well, to begin repairing your marriage. Booze makes you paranoid as well, don't forget that on your journey. I sincerely hope you really want to work things out and get the help you need. First step, get off the booze, for good, not just a "reduction" in the amount you drink. Quit, cold turkey.

Help needed

AA is the best treatment for a drinking problem, they help people deal with ALL of the underlying issues that people like yourself have. Get to a meeting asap, they are everywhere, everyday. You will need a support system and you will find it there, do everything they tell you to do. They have THE most knowledge you will find anywhere other than a treatment center.
Your time would be better spent reading AA literature than a cell phone bill, but I understand. AA has 800# hotline in the phone book, a men's meeting would be extremely benefical as there won't be female distractions.
Come back and let us know how you are doing.

Still going forward
Guys I really appreciate the help here. It is helping me wade through the confusion. I really think this marriage is worth saving. I think first and foremost I need to work on my problem and not concentrate on what my wife has done. If we both make the commitment to try then I guess it should be enough said. Thank you I will have made an AA contact by the days end.

Congratulations Help Needed.

I think AA is a huge first step for you. Good luck to you and your wife.

AA Hard to get in touch with
I have been trying to get in touch with AA and after 18 telephone numbers I finally got someone who gave me some more numbers and names. They couldn't guarantee that if I reached someone that they would be sober. I want to talk to someone. I guess I will have to be patient. As far as my wife goes, I miss her tons and I am starting to realize that the best thing for me to do is let her be. Instead of calling her every hour I need to just stop calling. It is real hard to do. I love her deeply. I keep going through major changes of emotion constantly. Will this ever stop? I still have had nothing to drink.

Help Needed--

You've made a good first step.

Does your local newspaper carry a list of meetings? AA meetings would be listed there.

Keep posting--we'll do all we can to help.

Help N, Here is a paragraph from the AA Big Book, if you get the urge to drink, or your emotions get the best of you try reading this..

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person , place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." He forgot to mention I was the chief critic. I was alway's able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was alway's glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here.
When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.

Keep in touch.

I was not able to connect with AA. I called all of the names that I got and no one returned my calls. My next step is to contact a therapist and set up an appointment. My wife and I are members of a club at a place that serves alcohol. I had to go there even though my wife was not here. I must say that this was the first Tuesday night that I have looked at anything through sober eyes and it is real different. I was not tempted by any of the alcohol that was being served and just drank diet soda. It felt different, but it also felt good. I know I still have a long way to go, but just admitting that I have a problem has made some things much easier to handle. I am looking forward to the future and I will keep posting on my progress. Thank you everyone.

AA Book
Paulaj, I did not see your post until I posted my last message. Thank you for taking the time to post it. I will read it often.

This link might be helpful:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

Help Needed, a therapist would probably be a good idea. I'm a bit surprised at your problems getting in touch with someone from AA. Are there any addiction treatment centers in your area with group meetings and proper counsellors? It does sound like you are making progress in the meantime. Keep it up, and keep us informed.

My wife is on her way home and I am sure nervous
My wife is coming home. I am real nervous because I don't know just how to act. I know our relationship is damaged, I am not sure to what extent. I don't know what to say. I get the feeling that I am going to screw things up and say or do the wrong thing. She will be home tomorrow. Tonight I am going to take care of some things around the house that have been lacking for some time. I am going to paint some rooms that should have been done and couldn't. This is also Day 4 no alcohol.

HN

I was in your wifes' position, your story is almost a carbon copy of mine. I would rather come home to a husband that went to an AA meeting, as opposed to a husband that painted a room. Your creating diversions. I'm not trying to be harsh, just giving you the benefit of my experience.
The internet has a list of meetings all over the world.

Another Day of total Confusion
My wife is halfway home and we spent alot of time on the phone last night. The phone call ended on a not so good note. Both of us do not know exactly how we feel. She says that her feelings are numb. My feelings have taken a roller coaster ride. I feel real guilty about the way that I have treated her and I want to make it up but then I am not sure that she wants to. She told me "I hope you don't think that life is just going to be all happy when I get back" and I told her that I definitly know that it was never going to be the same again. I don't think she believes me. It realized that me calling her on the phone every 15 minutes to talk is not the way to go here. I don't know how to react when she gets here. Do we live as roomates? Husband and wife? Friends?

I agree with the masses on this one.
Go to an AA meeting. Doesnt mean that you have to try to get in the group if you are not ready , ut DO ask people about where/how/who they seek thier counceling from.
Alot of the people in AA are people who cant afford therapy form an expencive source. Alot of them will have some valuable resources.

Please dont bother the people in AA if you are just looking for a temporary excuse to get your wife back.
Only go there if this is truly a time for you to quit.
Dont lie to yourself or anyone else.
You are stronger if you admit, you are not done drinking.
Just make sure that you have found the ability and strength to QUIT drinking. The hardest part of it is not picking it up again. When you get outside help, it becomes easier.
Good luck to you

You are caling her every 15 minutes? Even if you are exaggerating, it sounds like you are very desperate, and your wife might consider it harrassment. especially because your relationship is not at a good point now.

Instead of spending your time calling her, GET YOURSELF INTO AN AA MEETING. Start the process. When she comes home, tell her what you are doing. Let the relationship be, whatever it is, for now. Let HER take the lead, as far as the level of your relationship, for now. Show your wife by deeds, not words, that you are changing.

Do not expect miracles. Your wife has been putting up with your stuff for a long time now, and she is wary. Just let the relationship build again slowly.

Here is a site where you can find an AA meeting:

http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/cms/ptt/hazl_7030_shade.html?sh=t&sf=t&page_id=29297

How 'bout that? If you go to the bottom of the site that I posted, you can find a virtual AA meeting on the net!