How to help her get over him/get him to move on

Reply Mon 16 Jan, 2017 10:15 pm
I've known this girl for six years now, lets call her Jane. We were best friends for about two and a half, three, years before we began dating. I was 16 when we started dating. We were closer than some people will ever be. I reach a side of her no one else will ever see. But after six months she left me because I was flawed. I pushed too hard to be physical, for sex. And within a month or two started dating another man. Let's call him John. John goes to West Point. Jane also connected to him in a way that I never could. Over the span of two years, I dated two other women. Each over a span of about six months. the first specifically for physical reasons (kept my virginity). The second I truly tried to love her and looked for a future with. I lost my virginity to the second woman( let's call her sally). Within a month of having sex with sally, she left me. I had met sally through Jane, they were good friends. Anyway, I tell Jane everything. Over the span of two years (not dating) I told her everything. She's my human diary. Meanwhile, she is dating John. She had a long distance relationship since we was in NY at West Point. She lost her virginity to him, and in the second year of them dating, about fourth months before separating, she miscarried. It was hard for both of them. She loved me dearly yet loved John too. It was a love triangle so to speak. She didn't know what to do, who to choose. After the miscarriage, she decided to leave him because he had mood swings. He was emotionally abusive towards her. She also has chronic depression, GAD, insomnia. And I struggle with depression, paranoia (anxiety). Over the span of three months, she officially broke up with john, she and I went to mental hospitals desperately, and once out began dating.

I don't talk to my ex, I have no connection physically or emotionally to my ex. Jane however recently broke up with John. She misses him, but does not at the same time. She has a necklace with a single pearl that he gifted her that helps her cope with anxiety, which she still wears. She continues to text him, after she and I became intimate, after having sex she has cried over him two or three times.

I realize it has only been four-five months after a two year relationship with struggles, memories, and hardships, but how do I help her move on?

Feel free to ask questions... I did not add every detail and this is a messy paragraph. Thanks -Finn
Reply Tue 17 Jan, 2017 06:37 am
She needs the help that her therapist can provide. And since she has been hospitalized for mental health issues, I have to assume she has a treatment team of some sort. So if you do anything about this, urge her to talk with them about her lingering feelings for her ex and any mourning she is still doing about her miscarriage.

And then stay out of it, more or less. Therapists exist and are paid professionals for damned good reasons, and this is one of them.
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Reply Tue 17 Jan, 2017 06:57 am
"Over the span of three months, she officially broke up with john, she and I went to mental hospitals desperately, and once out began dating."ask

Do you mean "separately"?

May I ask your ages?

Reply Thu 19 Jan, 2017 10:48 am
Yes, I meant separately . I am 19 and she will be 19 in a couple months
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Reply Thu 19 Jan, 2017 06:08 pm
KingFinn wrote:
how do I help her move on?

You don't.

She has a therapist to help her. She needs to work with her therapist to work on a lot of problems.

If the therapist invites you to assist, you can consider it but given that you have your own difficulties you should probably deal with those first.


Whatever else happens, do not talk to friends about what happens with other friends.
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