Just found out my girlfriend of almost 4 years cheated on me and I don't know what to do

Reply Thu 12 Jan, 2017 01:26 pm
We've had some problems in the past with her being not the most faithful wanting to leave me twice before one very recent but things never got physical she never actually committed any acts before that you'd normally consider cheating but it has caused fights and her telling me one day that she wants to break everything off and then the next day she says it was a stupid infatuation. This is a lot different though.

I've noticed that the last couple weeks whenever I had said I loved her she wouldn't say it back. I asked her what was up and she said it was nothing and that she still loved me but didn't feel like being "romantic" because of school (I've been helping her go to culinery school where she met a guy she was wanting to leave me for but then changed her mind, She said the flirting was just new and she got swept up in the moment and the feelings didn't mean anything) I decided to buy that for a few days because I didn't want to start a fight before Christmas. So we spend Christmas together and exchange gifts and hers came with a sentimental letter about how much she loved me and
it made me feel a lot better for those couple of days.

Still though whenever I would say I love you before she went to school or before bed she would never say it back and I know when she does this it means something is wrong. We've been together for almost 4 years and I know when something is bothering her. So yesterday I egg her on about it I push her until she finally tells me what has been going on.

I don't know exactly when this happened but I do know occasionally she goes out to parties with her classmates she said it happened a few weeks ago though so it was most likely before Christmas happened. She said that she got drunk and passed out. Now when she said this I got upset and I knew the next words out of her mouth were that she slept with somebody else. I was assuming it was the guy from her school but it apparently wasn't. I kinda got hysterical and was really hurt and maybe I fired off to many questions and some harsh words before I could get a clear story but one moment it sounds like she passed out and she doesn't know what happen and then when I asked her sarcastically I hope the sex was worth it she said it was "Sex she didn't want" So now I don't know what to believe if she was unconscious because she said she was drunk or if she is lying to me to try to save her feelings about herself. I even asked her if this was rape that we should report it but she says she doesnt want to and that she doesn't want her parents to know...

I don't know though, the guy she slept with was apparently a childhood friend as she called him but I've never even heard of him before and she won't give me a name... I told her that I don't want to be with her anymore told her I want the money back from her tuition that I paid for but she kept begging me to forgive her and that she made a mistake.
We were gonna get engaged next year and she said that she wishes this was all a bad dream but I don't know anymore.

I didn't go to work today because i'm already not the most mentally stable person in the world and I could not sleep without thinking about her in the act betraying me... Thinking everything she said was a lie and she was just using me. But then she suddenly starts saying I love you again and my heart wants to forgive her but hate her and I don't know what to do. I've spent so much time and effort on her because I thought she was going to be the woman I married... But now she can't even give me a straight answer and that could be my fault because my emotions got the better of me and maybe I didn't let her fully explain the story...

I don't believe I should forgive her if she was just drunk... but if she was so drunk that she was passed out and got raped then it wasn't her fault right... but I don't know what to believe because she tells the story two ways... And she won't tell anyone so maybe she just made a mistake and trying to cover it up or something I don't know... At one point she said it was consensual and mistake but her first story is that she woke up somewhere that she didn't remember and started crying.

She has always been the most important person in my life these last 4 years and the fact that she has done this to me has be devastated and confused because I don't know if it was cheating or a rape or if she has been just using me... I don't even know who the guy is or if she is still talking to him or something I just need some advise that isn't bias.

I've already talked to my family and of course they're going to take my side but I'd just like fresh eyes on the situation to tell me what they think.

Thank you for reading my long post and replying in advance...
Reply Thu 12 Jan, 2017 02:00 pm
Based on your first paragraph, this woman seems as though she is simply unsure of what she really wants. If she loves you and wants only you, then why is it she is easily infatuated with someone else ON A REGULAR BASIS as you seem to indicate?

That, coupled with her recently having sex with someone else, should be sending loud warning sirens through your brain. Even if the sex was not consensual, she put herself in a position that someone in a committed relationship should not have placed themselves.

All that said, whether you decide to forgive her and try to repair the relationship is up to you. You must decide if you can get past her cheating on you. But be aware that you may have to continue dealing with her indecision about breaking things off and then changing her mind. I sure wouldn't want to deal with that, but if you do, then great.

As an aside, IF things end between you, you will not be able to demand your money back from her for the tuition you paid on her behalf. Unless of course you have something in writing stating that you were loaning her the money. Otherwise, based on a 4 year relationship, it will likely be considered that you were simply paying for something for her because you considered the two of you a couple. But it would not hurt to ask her for the money back. lol

Good luck, whatever you decide.
0 Replies
Reply Thu 12 Jan, 2017 04:27 pm
I'm going to suggest a separation. Why? Because even before this incident she flaunted her non committal attitude in a most hurtful way. She can't say she loves you? After 4 years? Plus, she talks about other men?

Then she says she's had sex with another person. She doesn't know if it was drunk-rape or drunk-consensual. NOW she tells you she loves you - after you now have been pushed to the brink?

Let her stew on this for a while.

In the meantime take another look at this relationship and see if this is what you want. She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.
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Reply Sat 14 Jan, 2017 09:32 am
But then she suddenly starts saying I love you again...

You're interpreting this declaration of "love" according to your understanding of the word, not hers.
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Reply Tue 21 Feb, 2017 08:27 pm
dude drop her like a rock . she is just using you and really doesn't love you she knew what she was doing and when she fond out you was pissed and ready to end it she seen your money walking out the door and had to come up with something else to keep you from going . put her ass on the street
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Grim Reaper
Reply Mon 26 Jun, 2017 06:16 pm
Shes a bitch and an ungrateful whore. dump her.
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Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2017 09:44 pm
She has been the most important part of your life, but what you have wrote reveals that you are not the most important part of her life.

Accept it, you still are having love for her, but her love for you is no more.

From here, you decide: keeping her at the cost of your suffering, or suffering at the cost of leaving her.

You will suffer in both cases, but in one of them you have the chance to find someone to whom you will be the most important part of her life. No assurance that this will happen, but at least hope that you will find her some day.

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