My lover has ended the affair - help!

Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:26 am
I hope someone out there can help me.
I'm a married man of 46. A year ago, I started to become close to a work colleague. She's 10 years younger than me - she's smart, funny and I was attracted to her. She told me quite early on that the relationship she had with her husband was unsatisfactory. He worked away a lot. They lived separate lives.
We started to see more of each other - talking, laughing, getting closer.
I left my job. She came to my leaving party hoping that was the night something might happen. I thought that, too.
Instead, I spread myself so thinly with all the people who turned up I barely spoke to her. She was cross with me. So she got off with my 27 year old, handsome young colleague. She did this right in front of me. It was awful.

She texted me the next day as if nothing had happened. We had a row, our first big row. She was so sorry, so full of remorse, that I met her at a nearby bar. We kissed. And from the ashes of that terrible night, our affair started.

We got closer and closer. The sex was fantastic.

But then she told me her husband had found out about us, that he wanted the family to move away. And that was that.
Except he hadn't found out. She lied. She lied because it was easier to tell me he had found out about us and for her to move away than it was to finish the relationship, I guess.

Yet we talked about it - man, we talked about a lot - and we carried on. She moved. Our affair continued.

That was three months ago. It's been hard since then. We talk every day. We text constantly. We see each other only occasionally. The distance is a problem. But we have soldiered on.

Then her husband found an email I sent her, an email which pretty much laid our affair wide open. They have started marriage counselling. He has messaged me and told me to keep away. He wants to save their marriage.
She has stayed with him.

I know it's over. We have nothing left. My children are taking their exams. I don't want to leave them while they are doing that. Her children are younger. She adores them.

So I know. I know we can't have anything.
And yet she keeps messaging me, saying she's thinking of me, that she still loves me. I still love her. I can't let go. I can't. I have no will power. I feel useless.

It's an awful situation.

I wonder if anyone has ever experienced anything like this and can help me out here?

Thanks - and I apologise for my behaviour. I know how it sounds.
Mark. x
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:32 am
If you really want to let her go, block her on all forms of social media. Block her phone numbers. Don't visit. Don't write. Don't drive by looking wistfully.

And I would suggest marriage counseling as well. At least give your wife a head's up that things aren't fantastic because that would at least be a kind and mature thing to do for someone who is completely innocent in all of this.
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Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:45 am
Mark7 wrote:
My children are taking their exams. I don't want to leave them while they are doing that.

time to get yourself and your wife into counselling to help both of you through the dissolution of the marriage. the children will need support with it as well.

don't dither about it.
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Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 12:22 pm
'I feel useless."

That should be "used."

What do you want her to do? Leave him and get divorced?
Will you do the SAME?

Sounds like you both just want the AFFAIR to go on. Her husband objects.

What does your wife think? Oh, she doesn't know?

Its too bad that you have sucked all the life out of your marriage and given it to a woman who likes to lie and tease. Yes, you have been used.
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Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 02:38 pm
She sounds like an immature person, if her response to you being busy with others was to get with her colleague in front of you. And then the lies about her husband finding out.

Sounds to me like you are a nice person who got caught up in something because something was missing in your own life. maybe you could go into counseling and figure out what you need/want.

I do agree with others about blocking on social media and phone #'s. I went through a painful breakup that was not my choice and the best thing he did was block me. Didn't feel like it at the time, but now I'm grateful.
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Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 06:50 pm
Why do you want a relationship with a woman who lies to you early on and one who would be immature enough to "get off" with your 27 year old colleague? Any woman who would do that to get back at you bc you were busy at your own party doesn't really care about you- she is selfish and cares more about herself and her own needs. This is the type of woman who would do the same thing to you if you ended up with her. Honestly it seems like she is leading you on and enjoys toying with you. You are 46 (old enough to know better and not be interested in these immature games she seems to be playing).
What you have isn't love- it's more like infatuation for something you wish you had (bc you haven't even had a relationship with her and you honestly don't know her that well).... she is young, flirty, and something out of your reach right now. Yes, anytime you talk to someone (text, email, etc) all of the time for awhile you get used to it and yes it is always painful when you have to stop contact with that person. You miss what you were used to doing but the simple fact is what you were doing is wrong.
Marriage is a sacred vow and her husband has asked you to back off so they can try to work on their marriage. You should really respect him (and your wife) enough to do that. It may be painful but you need to block all contact with her. Again, you should do this for YOUR sake but also out of respect for her husband and your wife. If you truly want to find someone else, you should at least divorce your wife before you start anything with another woman. You didn't mention your wife and your relationship. Do you love her or care about her at all? Does she know? Are you really willing to sacrifice your marriage and your kids for a woman who is just playing with your emotions?
Then what about trying to rekindle the romance with your wife? Instead of sending flirty, sexy text to a married woman, why don't you send them to your wife? Send her a little gift, leave notes, etc. Do the things for her you are doing for this other woman. Maybe even get a sitter and plan a night out of town to wine and dine her (and put a little spark back in the relationship you have). I think you need to put the energy you put in this "relationship" into trying to rekindle something with your wife.
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Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 08:38 pm
I agree with a lot of these post- You were played by an immature woman and sadly you weren't smart enough to give this attention to your wife instead of someone else's wife
Respect her husband and STOP. respect your wife and STOP. Lastly, respect yourself enough to stop allowing her to play you. Block all contact with her.
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