My husband is not a bad man, but he beats me!

Forums: Marriage, Love, Abuse
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It was not a normal arranged marriage like it is normally around where i was brought up. It was a love-arranged marriage and I had to struggle for 5long years with my parents and relatives to finally convince them into approving of him. And yes, to this very moment it was worth it.

The man loves me, cares a lot for me, is a wonderful son-in-law and brother-in-law. I love him with all my heart and so does he back.

But, he does not have control over his temper! He gets angry for smallest of things. So do i, i sometimes even use offensive language when things hurt me. But once he is provoked, he goes out of control, beats the **** out of me, kicks me and bangs me on the floor and on the wall. Each time i have bruises all over me, and yesterday was too much! I twisted my ankle and now I'm on bed rest.

I can't tell this to anyone at home, not mine nor his. Everyone loves me and wants me to be happy. I can't just go and tell them that my choice was wrong. It's either my concern or my ego or something. I can't take help from family. Someone help me out here. I really dont know what to do.

He lies a lot to me about small things and thats where normally it all starts! Its actually my fault to be strating off with the provocative and abusive language, but then its me who's getting hurt eventually. It maybe is my fault. I dont know. But even when he apologises for his doings, im sure he hasnt a bit of guilt or regret in his eyes!

What to do!! Pls help

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Step one - Respect yourself. Dont let him get away with beating you and stop language bursts.
Step two - Sit down talk and give him an ultimatum.
Step three - If talking fails, divorce.

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If he beats you he is not only a bad man, but you should not be living with him.

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call the police and throw that bum in jail...

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@Fil Albuquerque,

I tried talking. But he doesnt think his doings are wrong! He tells me if i dont control my language outbursts il hav to deal with what follows. Im still at doubt on who is wrong!

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@VentOut,

Someone wrote:

If you must resort to violence then you have already lost the argument.

It shows you that he is a sore loser..

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@VentOut,

I'm in no doubt as to who is wrong.

Next time, he will break your ankle. The time after that, he will break your arm. Then he will blacken your eye. Then he will gouge it out.

For God's sake, swallow your pride and go to your family, to the authorities, to somebody, and get out of there before the injuries become permanent ones and before you bring a child into this mess.

Don't think that'll happen? Guys like him kill their wives every day of the week. Don't be one of those.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Oh dear! I wasnt foreseeing all that! And to an extent, im quiet sure it was coz i love him dearly even after all this!

Do you think there is some way that i can save our marriage? Anything at all!!?? Cz im hurt both inside and out. I cant let go of this relationship that fast! It means a lot to me. Can nothing help save this marriage?!

1 Reply

@VentOut,

VentOut wrote:

Im still at doubt on who is wrong!

Someone who beats you is bad.

There is no way around that.

He is not a good person. It may be culturally acceptable but it is bad to beat other people.

You need to get past your pride and get away from him. Return to your friends and family who will not physically attack you.

__

A friend of mine emigrated to Canada from India to marry a man who was originally from India. He beat her many times. Our employers got involved and he was arrested. He threatened her further. His friends threatened her.

She finally realized that the beatings would not end so she returned to India to be in the safety of her family.

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@VentOut,

VentOut wrote:

lI can't tell this to anyone at home, not mine nor his. Everyone loves me and wants me to be happy. I can't just go and tell them that my choice was wrong.

you have to swallow your pride and tell your family

get far away from him

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@VentOut,

Why would you want to save this marriage?

Seriously. I realize what happens, you get used to it and you pretend it's okay and maybe you even listen to him and you convince yourself that it's your fault and things would be awesome if only you weren't so -

fat
thin
loud
quiet
tall
short
pregnant
infertile
young
old
weak
strong
ladylike
swearing

It. Does. Not. Matter.

People like this will lie and lie and try to convince you that you are the architect of your own destruction and that they are not to blame.

Spoiler alert: people like that always, always are.

You do not deserve this treatment for burning dinner, being loud, swearing, smiling, dyeing your hair, sleeping late, having a job, calling your mother or any of a thousand other lies that abusers tell their victims every single day of the week.

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@VentOut,

VentOut wrote:

I love him with all my heart and so does he back.

someone who beats you DOES NOT LOVE YOU

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

It kills me to listen to all this now. The physical pain is nothing when compared to the pain of realization! How dint i see this coming! If only i could have!!!! Youre right, he doesnt love me anymore! It doesnt bother him to see me hurt, how did i still believe that he loved me!!!!!!!

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@VentOut,

Better now than too late..

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@VentOut,

forget about the past.

today is the first day of the rest of your life...

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After all those caring words, I still walked back into that shithole. I think I'll never learn. U were right. Each one of you. We have a son who is 3yrs old now. He cheated on me with a co-worker when my son was 6months old I was still recovering from my surgery. Got caught and convinced my folks so gracefully and shamelessly that the child needs him and he went off cz I was a bad wife. We moved to Canada last yr after staying apart for 2yrs. Now he stays with me and my son. The same story repeats everyday. I've given up! Some day I'll die bcz of this man. Maybe then I'll learn

1 Reply

@VentOut,

You've walked away once, you can do it again.

Walk away with your son.

Go to the nearest Police Department and ask for emergency shelter. Police can and will contact the appropriate agency and will take you and your son there in the matter of an hour.

Please don't give up. Give yourself a chance. You can do this, just walk out the door. Yes, it's scary. Yes, I know. But please, walk away.

Start again.

Because I believe you can. It's your turn to believe in yourself. Just a step, one at a time.

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Everyone here is right, including you. There are Women's Shelters everywhere. The police will give you some numbers. Do you have a friend you and your child can stay with for a while? You need to talk to someone. He will never change his behaviour ... cheating and beating? Terrible and terrible for your child to witness.

Keep us posted, please.

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@VentOut,

Check to see if there is a DART program in your area, I have no clue where you live. Surely wherever you are, there are programs that help people just like you. Of course you love your husband and he probably loves you back, but he has issues that are dangerous for you and for your children/family. If he cannot control is anger and he hurts you , it is possible that he may injure you very badly or even kill you if he hits and kicks you like that.

You are going to have to tell someone so that they can help you get away from him and he needs to go to anger management and therapy to control his temper. Unless he has severe consequences for what he is doing, he will never stop and it will continue. Again and again until it may be too much.

Google help for domestic violence in your area. Call them, find out what they can do for you. You need therapy too, because you allow this behavior from him. This is not healthy for anyone. I urge you to get help and everything else will fall into place. Good luck and huggs !!!

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A classic example of cognitive dissonance.

He's not bad? He's committing a criminal assault on someone he allegedly loves more than any other.

It escalates without intervention; eventually, he will love you to death.

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My husband is not a bad man, but he beats me!

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