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My wife doesn't want me to go to friend's wedding

 
 
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 01:48 pm
My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years and were together for 10 years prior to this.
There have been times in our pre-marital relationship where we weren't that close and although we have both been faithful to each other I have had close female friends that my wife has been very jealous of. I know that this is because I didn't make her feel secure enough through my support and complimenting of her. The most recent occasion was 6 years ago but my wife still doesn't trust me with other females.

This is problematic because I am the only male in my workplace (the industry is largely female dominated). recently one of my colleagues invited me to her wedding in 5 months time. They don't have enough places available to invite my wife as well and only 2 of us from our workplace are invited so it's not like a broad group invite.

My wife doesn't want me to go because she thinks the lady getting married "has the hots for me". I get on quite well with the other lady from our office that that is invited, which makes things look even worse. I can understand my wife not wanting me to go under these circumstances.

What I'm not sure about is what to say to my colleague who is getting married. How do I tell her that I can't come without a terrible excuse and without her thinking that I just don't care (which could ruin my relationships with others at work)?

Any advice appreciated.
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Type: Question • Score: 16 • Views: 5,114 • Replies: 49

 
CoastalRat
 
  6  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:10 pm
@GeorgeDraws,
You tell your colleague the truth. That since your wife was not invited you need to decline her invitation.

Quote:
They don't have enough places available to invite my wife as well
I don't for a minute believe this. Nobody would ever send a wedding invitation to a person and not invite the spouse. If this person really did that, then she is totally inconsiderate and flat out clueless.

Stay home with your wife. Have a small gift for them when she returns to the office.
ossobucotemp
 
  2  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:40 pm
@CoastalRat,
I think I do believe that; numbers can be very important.
0 Replies
 
Foofie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:42 pm
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat wrote:

You tell your colleague the truth. That since your wife was not invited you need to decline her invitation.

Quote:
They don't have enough places available to invite my wife as well
I don't for a minute believe this. Nobody would ever send a wedding invitation to a person and not invite the spouse. If this person really did that, then she is totally inconsiderate and flat out clueless.

Stay home with your wife. Have a small gift for them when she returns to the office.


I agree that a wife always gets an invite; otherwise, it could look like the husband, without his wife, is really "the date" of the office friend.

I would also emphasize that the non-invited wife feels something much less than positive about not being invited. Perhaps, the wife just going to the ceremony? And after the ceremony? "I'm so sorry, but I never go to social functions solo." That would be my direct reply.

If one really analyzes the options, one should consider who is more important, wife or job friends. Wasn't it "entangling alliances" that started WWI?
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:42 pm
@CoastalRat,
Agreeing CR. I never heard of such a thing as inviting a person and not their spouse. How gauche.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:43 pm
@CoastalRat,
Agreeing CR. I never heard of such a thing as inviting a person and not their spouse. How gauche.

I find that hard to believe.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:46 pm
Yeah, that is beyond weird.

Spouses are invited or the person isn't invited. It's a package deal.
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 02:54 pm
@Foofie,
Foofie wrote:

Perhaps, the wife just going to the ceremony?

That sounds like a decent compromise if you really want to attend. Both of you go to the ceremony then pass on the reception. Most people don't care if an extra person sits in at the service but numbers can matter at the reception. Either that or just beg off. Not everyone can go to every event.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:05 pm
I've been to a number of smaller weddings where there is no +1.

The invitation in those cases is only for the person invited.

My best friend of the last 45 years had a wedding like that. She and her husband each invited a total of two people who were blood relatives. It doesn't matter who I was with at the time, I would never have considered not going to her wedding because my partner wasn't invited.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:06 pm
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
Spouses are invited or the person isn't invited. It's a package deal.


nope. not a package deal
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:07 pm
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat wrote:

You tell your colleague the truth. That since your wife was not invited you need to decline her invitation.


noooo

Either just say no or just say yes. No explanation is required or appropriate.
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:19 pm
@GeorgeDraws,
GeorgeDraws wrote:
How do I tell her that I can't come without a terrible excuse


I'm sorry. I am unable to attend.

No excuse. No explanation.
0 Replies
 
oralloy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:36 pm
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat wrote:
You tell your colleague the truth. That since your wife was not invited you need to decline her invitation.

I concur. Stating the simple truth will be much easier than concocting an elaborate fiction and then trying to sell it.
0 Replies
 
oralloy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:40 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:
noooo
Either just say no or just say yes. No explanation is required or appropriate.

That will work too.
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 03:40 pm
@GeorgeDraws,
I'm involved with a large portion of Brides to be, around 7000. This may sound harsh, but, for the most part their budgets are blown out of proportion before they know it. Catering is expensive, venues charge per person, food per person, drink per person. You invite a single person and they before RSVP, ask " Can such and such accompany me?". It's a nightmare for the Brides to be, or "My children have to come".. When it stipulates "no children". Cutting costs for weddings is difficult. In some instances, single people are invited deliberately as they are someone that the Bride would love to be there, however, they figure, that the person would turn the invite down because they have a partner and if the partner isn't invited, they won't go. This helps the Bride with numbers and with not offending anyone.

I know of no Bride that has invited a person without their partner "wife". So I would say she is expecting you to say "no". Same for the other lady, if you are not there, she won't want to mingle on her own in amongst a bunch of partners.

Taking that aside. You need to re-read what you wrote because you need to help your wife feel that you two are a couple, she is important, there would never be anyone else.

This is one small step to show that to her.

After all she's worth more than this co-worker right?

chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 04:00 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
FOUND SOUL wrote:

I'm involved with a large portion of Brides to be, around 7000. This may sound harsh, but, for the most part their budgets are blown out of proportion before they know it. Catering is expensive, venues charge per person, food per person, drink per person. You invite a single person and they before RSVP, ask " Can such and such accompany me?". ....Cutting costs for weddings is difficult. In some instances, single people are invited deliberately as they are someone that the Bride would love to be there, however, they figure, that the person would turn the invite down because they have a partner and if the partner isn't invited, they won't go. This helps the Bride with numbers and with not offending anyone.

I know of no Bride that has invited a person without their partner "wife". So I would say she is expecting you to say "no". Same for the other lady, if you are not there, she won't want to mingle on her own in amongst a bunch of partners.

Taking that aside. You need to re-read what you wrote because you need to help your wife feel that you two are a couple, she is important, there would never be anyone else.

This is one small step to show that to her.

After all she's worth more than this co-worker right?




The highlighted parts? Extrememly tacky on the part of the bride.

Don't understand why doing something like this would avoid hurt feelings.

Better solution might be to educate people in general how not to let costs get out of control in the first place.

PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 04:01 pm
'They don't have enough places available to invite my wife as well'

That's BS - you are married, not single.

Does the "hot bride" know this?
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  4  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 04:07 pm
@chai2,
Tacky or not it happens.

There seems to be a sense of "have to " and "hope they say no".

The one thing I tend to advise is....

1. Pick a venue that is small and intimate therefore, you are limited to the numbers and people can see that.
2. Invite them to the Ceremony instead with the above being explained and add them in to the cocktail food/drinks for an hour.

Problem solved.
ossobucotemp
 
  2  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 06:28 pm
@ehBeth,
Besides us, there were four.

I think this whole thing is haserai and I'm not jewish. Not anti. More like my facing my old catholicism.



0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Mon 19 Sep, 2016 07:10 pm
Never heard of such a thing. What's happening to our society? It's beyond weird.
 

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