I got some so-called friends ...

I hate it when that happens.

I think the best you can do is level with C. Tell her you have a hard time being around R knowing what you know and that while you still want to be her friend (and she's gonna need all the fiends she can get) that you really aren't comfortable around them together right now.

I hate those kind of guys.

Boomerang

Yeah, I hate it, too!
Actually I won't be spending any time in R's company. Never did much before the **** hit the fan b/n them. It's more about my friendship with C. This is really, really difficult ...

Yeah, well .... He's rather gross, husker.

Yes, boomerang, sooner or later we'll have to talk about it. Right now I can't figure out how to. A bit like walking on egg shells ....


Gotta go out now, but I'll be very interested in any thoughts on this when I'm here again, later today.

Tell C you are worried about her.

Remind her of the things she told you about R and just say you are thinking of her safety.

It has nothing to do with your dislike of R but everything to do about caring for C and her well being.

She couldn't possibly be mad at you for that.

marking

It is very difficult and there is no easy answer. The only advice I can offer is this --

It is so hard to turn away from our friends when they are intent on self destruction, whether it be drugs or drink or food or lovers.

You have to look at it this way: Your fiend C is making choices for her own life and the choices she makes effect your life and the choice you will make.

When a friendship becomes bad for you, you have to be willing to walk away.

Be sure to leave the door open.

My life is being dictated by a similar situation, in a way. I've had to walk out and back so many times it makes my head hurt to think about it.

Because my situation involves a child that a friend left at my house and never picked up, I finally took legal action against her to become the child's guardian. She was mad, but she's mending and she knows my door and my heart are always open to her.

You need to make the choices that are best for you msolga, with no exceptions and no guilt.

Ack - this - as with everything else in life, pretty much, was covered on Seinfeld, when Kramer broke up with, thn went back with, a partner.

My advice?

Shut up for now - until you have calmed down - utter rather non-commital platitudes when asked to be happy - like - I am happy if you are happy. She is nuts - at least for the present, and is deeply into the flip-flop part of major cognitive dissonance - this means she is prolly not open to rational discussion right now, and, if you wanna remain friends, you are in minefield territory - just try to mark time until the territory begins to become clearer.

Hopefully, she will go sane and drop him - then you can talk - (though she sounds like there might be several more backflips coming up - so be temperate). If she doesn't drop him again - sounds liek she is in a really abusive relationship, and, though she will doubtless drive you crazy with her stupidity - really needs any sane friends she may manage to keep.

This happened to me with a normally very sane friend - and I just quietly refused to be driven away - (by him) listened to her obsessive maunderings on about the dropkick - for THREE years!!!! - and gently tried to encourage any moments of glimmering sanity, without going overboard on negativity, and becoming an opponent - though I came close - (does he do that often? How do you feel when he does? Is that getting better or worse? - you know the kind of crap....yeah?).

That way, I got to be part of the safety-net, and was there when he finally bashed her physically - which was her exit signal, thank god.

And, heck, I love my friends - even when they are crazy - so I was prepared to stick it out - but tactics is the game, I think - though I hate 'em - and am normally terrible at them.

Just my two cents.

Drove me MAD though!!!!

Be honest: tell her you have reservations after hearing all the gory details of their dysfunction, but are happy that she is happy, and you wish her all the best...

Msolga, I'm sure most of us can identify with your situation--and it's damn tough.

Sometimes it takes years to work things through and if you are there for her, she has a much better chance of making it out safely. My only reservation is whether she is using you to vent without taking any responsibility for her own actions. I finally had to break off a friendship after listening to a friend talk on the phone in a drunken stupor at any time, day or night. It was horrible to end a friendship and I still feel awful about it, but I know it had to be done or I would have eventually contributed to her willful denial of her drinking problem.

The reason I mentioned that is that sick relationahips can be as addictive as alcohol.

I'm sure you will know what to do as time goes by. Best wishes to you. She is lucky to have you as a friend.

Not much else I can say that hasn't already been said, but a big hug going out to you Olga. Our friends do drive us nuts sometimes (sigh)!

You are wrestling with the fact that your friend has compromised her standards, figuring that a louse is better than no-man-at-all.

She's not the woman you thought she was.

This is a reason to re-evaluate your friendship--and to mourn.

Hold your dominion.

<nods>

<nods too>

(and begins to wonder if that's why she calls herself "Noddy".....)

Aw, shucks.

This probably sounds familiar to a lot of adults. With two friends I finally told them that if they wanted me to listen to their rants and whines about their partners, they had to actually listen to what I had to say in response - and I told them they weren't going to like it. I gave them the option to not rant and whine any more as an alternative. One decided on the no more ranting and whining option - that worked well for the next 5 years til the relationship ended as the result of something else. Another decided to continue ranting - but listened (really listened) to my response. We're still friends another 20 years down the line - listening to each other turned out to be the way to go for that friendship.

I'm not very good with the walking on eggs thing - so I find it better to put things out there.

Trying to picture ehBeth walking on eggs....

failing...


seeing eggs roll downslope..

rolling

cracking

smushing



Accepting that I'm going to say what I think if you ask me is part of the friends deal. Longdog and I had quite a chat on this subject over dinner tonight.