You've been this person's partner for 8 years. Have you been snooping into things all along? If not, what possessed you to do it now?
Do you have some sort of legal relationship that would make you responsible for his financial difficulties?
no i dont usually snopp i did this time cause i was suspicious i knew he didnt do it i just had an inclination and i wanted to find out and no there isnt a legla relatrionship but as i have been saying you feel obliged to help loved ones out in times of difficulty.
Snooping and loved ones seem to be mutually exclusive. At least, in the sense of equal partner adult loved ones.
Once you've snooped, I think you've taken a step that could mean the end of a relationship. It suggests that you don't trust the person to tell you the important things. Or that small things, like the garbage, have taken on too much importance for you. You do seem to have a trust issue, and it's probably something YOU need to deal with before you go any further in the relationship. The other person needs to know that you trust them - and it needs to be the truth.
i dont think it is that small things such as garbage have taken on a big menaing it is just that if i ask have you done it i would rather that he said mno i havent doe it not lie to me same as in this issue he could have said no i havent trasnfered that money yet not blantly say yes as he has done a number of times
This is why i dont trust him becuase he lies and it makes me feel that there are other bigger things out there that he may be liaring abou which i dont know
Well, since it doesn't seem like a good idea to tell him that you found out about the money transfer lie - and you do need to talk to him about his lying before you proceed with the relationship - perhaps you can start with something like the garbage issue (or hopefully something less trivial).
You need to let him know, straight out, that his lying bothers you.
Do not consider moving in with him with this already between you. You're guaranteeing a disaster.
OK can I be a male chauvinist pig for a change?
Please please please?
About this "lying" stuff.
Sometimes, you women just nag on and on and on about something we dont consider so important, or dont really agree with but dont consider worth a fight either.
And sometimes, we then just kinda say, "yeah sure, I'll do it", just to have you off our back.
And then we dont do it.
Yup. Men.
Women.
Always the same.
But, looking at how often variations on this theme come up here on this board, though - lessay, "I asked him to do x or y for me (or not do x or y anymore), and I pushed him just as long till he promised he would (or wouldn't anymore), so now because I felt insecure I went snooping around and it turns out he didn't keep to his promise - so is he a pathological liar and should I dump him/confront him/tell him he should see a counsellor about the way he betrayed my trust?" - considering how often this thing comes up, I do admit that I would sometimes really wish that men just learn to say "no" more often.
No, I won't, I don't want to. No, this is important for me, so I won't stop, sorry. No, I think you're overreacting and I'm not gonna go through the fuss about it.
It'll get you in a fight, for sure, at the moment - and you'll get all the "well, but it hurts me so if you don't give in to me it means you don't really love me" thing - but at least you're spared the moment after kinda-sorta 'giving in' to avoid a fight, a month later, when she goes snooping through your stuff and then comes back to confront you with your Big Lie.
<sighs>
Guys?
Oh, and I totally agree with Set about the instant verdicts that are vehemently, and usually severely, handed down on these relationships threads here habitually.
There.
Now I can go back to being that kind, gentle guy who always agrees with Soz.
errr, I want her, not him, to go to a counsellor. It appears I'm a guy, not a girl, on this.
I wonder what that means for me and Set.
why do i need counselling all of a suddne when i dont lie
im going to tell him i snopped now i feel guilty and i dont like it i am just going to tell him
That sounds like a good idea. Obviously you guys need to talk about this stuff -- hopefully it will be a productive talk.
good! clear the air. tell him the little white lies bother you.
wish me luck here goes ill let you know what he says
ok i spoke to him i told him that i looked and he hadnt transferred it
he tells me that he did do it and he has the print out at work and that somehting must have gone worng he said that he hoestly did do it.
I dont think so some how im not too sure
he wasnt to upset about be looking ut hardly mentioned it
What do u guys think
I don't fully understand the situation. Are you actually looking into his bank account on a computer? That is none of your business.
On the other hand, I can see needing to know if he will be someone you can trust to do his share in living together.
There is a term that I use that might work here - I use what I, and others, call performance criteria. If he keeps failing to do things, keeps failing to pay his part, then he fails. If he doesn't fail, he doesn't fail. Simple as that, performance.
But his personal finances are not your business.
Unless of course he is working in some way outside the law and you take that money, then it is your business to protect yourself. But this doesn't seem to be the case here.
Yes it is on a compuer
arent his fiances my buiness when i have to bail himout read the other posts please
No.
Why are you bailing him out?
because he is in money problems and i help him out
