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What to do about husbands first wife ashes.

 
 
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 11:39 pm
Been married more than 12 years with two kids but my husband still is holding on to his first wifes ashes. We have them in an urn that's in a box and have been carting them around with us all across the country for our whole married life. We have even had them under our bed in the caravan which we lived in for a couple of years. At first it didn't bother me because she had only recently died and things were still fresh. He also talked a few times about putting them at a cemetery back then. But nothing has been done with them and they are still here with us. I have never lost anyone so I don't know what its like but the ashes don't mean anything to me and don't represent at all the living person, they are just another thing to pack up every time we move. I don't understand why we cant talk about this as he gets angry when I talk to him about it and says I just want to remove him from everything in his past, which is not true, I'm just creeped out by it. I wish he could 'bury the past' and remember her in other ways like memories and photo's. Are my feelings normal or should I put the matter aside?
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Fri 19 Aug, 2016 11:47 pm
@goforgold,
Both. Your feelings sound perfectly normal and you should put the matter aside if you possibly can. I don't think you are going to win this, and will probably regret it if you do. Maybe, just maybe, you can get him to keep the ashes out of everyday sight.
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chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 02:55 am
Yes, I can understand how moving 5 lbs of something would be an enormous burden on someone. Especially when it means so much to the person you love.

I would let him know right away that if you or one of your kids should die not to try to keep the remains in the form of ashes, because he would just want to cart them around.

Ditto if something happens to him while you're still alive. That would just be creepy.
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saab
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 03:08 am
Where I live the law forbids us to keep ashes - they have to be buried in earth - cementry - or in the ocean.
What will you do in case your husband dies before you?
Also what will happen if you die before you husband?
Personally I think it is disrespectful to keep the urn. I think a dead person should be buried and be able to rest in one place.
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contrex
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 04:16 am
It's not the ashes, it's the feelings they represent. That's the issue here.
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perennialloner
 
  2  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 05:33 am
@goforgold,
Would you be as crept out if it were his dead father's ashes? Lots keep ashes as a way to remember and honor their beloved. Would you feel any better if your husband kept her photo in his wallet? Your feelings are normal, but i dont know that they can be solved by getting rid of an urn.
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izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Sat 20 Aug, 2016 05:37 am
When my wife died I had her ashes turned into three diamonds, one each for me and the two kids. The rest went in a planter with a jasmine plant. It's not cheap though, and if I'd not had a big life insurance cheque I couldn't have afforded it.
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TheCobbler
 
  -2  
Reply Wed 24 Aug, 2016 05:46 am
Bury them, he can visit the gravesite.

Fil Albuquerque
 
  5  
Reply Wed 24 Aug, 2016 06:52 am
@goforgold,
Love requires respect and empathy. My advise keep respecting and honouring your husband past.
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Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Aug, 2016 07:25 pm
@goforgold,
You are worried about a pile of ash?
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TheCobbler
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Aug, 2016 11:18 pm
@TheCobbler,
Burying ashes of a deceased one is such a terrible idea, sorry for suggesting it. lol

I did not mean for the wife to bury them behind her husband's back. I just meant that burial and a grave site is not an outlandish idea.

Whatever.
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Gypsy Rose
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Oct, 2016 02:18 am
@goforgold,
To some, their deceased loved ones ashes are all that they feel they have left of the person the cared so much about. While I personally am not a fan of cremation, I do understand it. My father passed away 10 months ago, and my mother keeps his ashes in a beautiful mahogany box I ordered that has been personalized in his memory. To some it may seem "creepy" but there are days it brings my mother great comfort to just see or touch the box. On the other had, my step mother in law did everything in her powers to rid my father in laws house of his past wife presence who had passed. All it has done is create hard feelings and resentment among many of the family members. It is unlikely that your husband is still so in love with her he cannot bear to dispose of her ashes, but keeps them out of loving memory. or possibly even her wishes. Try to respect that, and not be creeped out by something that obviously means so much to your husband. Respect goes both ways, but pushing the issue of him spreading/disposing of her ashes is apparently a sore subject. So, instead of causing tension, maybe a mutual solution would be appreciated by both parties. The cremains box I got for my father looks like a decorative piece on a shelf in my mom's office, not an urn of any kind. No one has any idea what it contains, so perhaps something along those lines would be an option your husband would be open to. I hope you can come to an amicable solution, soon.
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